|SINS OF THE FLESHAPOIDS
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 10 May 2009
- The Narrator - Trilling, and I mean that.
- Xar - A fleshapoid. He commits two separate sins. Murdering a human (he does that twice) is one of them; the other is having DRM-free sex with his girlfriend. Both the Catholic Church and Microsoft have expressed "disappointment" with Xar.
- Malenka - Xar's fleshapoid girlfriend. She is a live wire, and there is nothing she likes better than making Xar's diodes tingle and his resistors curl.
- Prince Gianbeno - Judging by his smile, I would say that he is a descendant of Prince Charles. Zapped by excess voltage from Xar and Malenka, which grounds out though his groin. Having one's testicles turned into a sparkling testament to Tesla became another entry on my "Ways I Do Not Want To Die" list.
- Vivianna - Wife to Prince Gianbeno. Never, ever ask her to put out a candle for you unless you are wearing a rain slicker and galoshes.
- Ernie - "Ernie?" This is set a million years in the future and his name is "Ernie?" Gah! Anyway, "Ernie" is Vivianna's boy toy. She stabs him in the back when he fails to realize just how wonderful she is.
|I could sum up "Sins of the Fleshapoids" with three letters and one question mark, but that would be too easy.
This artistic mess is supposed to be set a million years in the future; it looks like one of Doris Wishman's apartments (or Andy Milligan's houses), but with lots of artsy touches added, like plastic fruit and Greek decor. In any case, Mankind is still around in the far future. We have become a shiftless race of narcissists that lay about eating fruit or cavorting in front of an audience of uncaring fleshapoid servants.
Wait, you do not know what a fleshapoid is, do you? The word is something that they made up for this movie. A fleshapoid is just a robot draped with human skin. They are android servants to their useless human masters.
Mankind always seems to be at its worst in two situations: interacting with machines that make our lives easier (your "beater" car that is five thousand miles overdue for an oil change, nearly every vacuum cleaner ever built, and countless MP3 players filled with Top 40 crap) and holding dominion over any other human being (slavery, hopelessly devoted girlfriends, those parents who should have kicked you out of the house years ago). The fleshapoids are both machine and "almost human." They are screwed.
About your poor old Honda that has two hundred thousand miles on it. I know you are just trying to kill it so that you can justify buying a new truck. Your wife, girlfriend, or parents to whom you should pay rent know that you want a new truck. All that you are doing by abusing the car is making yourself feel guilty. Get it an oil change before it's too late. Your soul will feel better.
Xar's owner is a useless blob of woman flesh that notices he is acting eccentric. Fleshapoids are supposed to have no emotions of their own, no personal interests. If they did, they might not spend all of their time gratifying their owner's every wish. When Xar's owner discovers him looking in a mirror, she tries to pour water over the fleshapoid to rust his innards. He responds by thumping her on the head.
Nearby, Malenka is acting as a servant to Prince Gianbeno. The prince is a petty jerk whose wife is having an affair with a football player (of course football is still around in a million years; of course). The wife even entertains her lover in her bedroom! We spend a lot of time with the prince and his disaffected wife tiptoeing around each other like they are walking on eggshells. Eggshells! In that house! Badda-bing!
Stop yelling at me about the bad pun. Laughter is the only weapon I have left. I watched this entire movie twice! Twice! Granted, it is only forty-seven minutes long, but you haven't watched it, have you? No. You looked at the screen captures and are reading the review, and are thinking to yourself, "There is no way I could ever watch this without vicodin and vodka." Well, I don't have any vicodin. My mother-in-law drank all of our vodka (and the wine, and the beer, and...). I watched "Sins of the Fleshapoids" in complete control of my personal faculties. Not a pleasant way to spend a Sunday evening.
Anyway, it's awful.
I have not even told you the best part about this film, and that is the narration. The only person who speaks is the Narrator (you'll wish he wouldn't; his voice is...not pleasant). Whenever one of the characters says something, it is via a speech bubble that appears on the screen. The placement of the speech bubbles is way off. Sometimes it looks like a person's ear is talking, other times a mole on their neck. In at least one case I am sure that an elbow spoke.
Vicodin and vodka...vicodin and vodka...
The situation in Prince Gianbeno's household reaches critical mass. Vivianna pushes her husband down the stairs and gets into a fight with her dumb lug of a boyfriend that ends with a dagger in his back and her crying. The prince recovers from his tumble down Andy Milligan's stairs, only to discover that Xar has snuck into the house and is having robot sex with Malenka. Gianbeno starts to switch off the malfunctioning fleshapoids, but Xar rebels once more. The two fleshapoid lovers use direct current from their bodies to roast the prince alive. Betrayal, greed, murder, jealously...yep, smells like burnt royalty.
Would you believe that this darn movie still is not over? Malenka drops to the floor and suddenly gives birth to a toy robot. You probably got one like it for Christmas when you were a kid. It is one of those toy robots that slowly walks across the floor. At first this was enough to keep you entertained. After a few days you started shooting it with your suction cup gun. Eventually, you and your little hoodlum buddies took it to an empty truck stop parking lot and tossed rocks at the poor robot until it was all banged up. Then your friend Melvin threw a brick at it. The plastic toy exploded. You left it there and the trucks drove over it until there were only little pieces of plastic and metal left. If you went and looked today, you would likely still find parts of it scattered around.
This is what I mean about taking care of your toys. Go get your car an oil change.
Okay, so "Sins of the Fleshapoids" was obviously made by people who had limited resources and limited experience making films (some of the camera angles should tell you that). However, I just know that they were trying to be artsy and avant-garde. The director made this, and then he would say things like, "I just wanted the world to know how much I love my cat." WTF is that supposed to mean?
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Drawing ligers and mermaids with crayons is a job skill.
- Paradise is filled with plastic fruit and individual-sized Wise snack packs.
- Clark bars will survive the apocalypse.
- When a girl has glitter dandruff, a girl has glitter dandruff.
- The Masons are a race of time-traveling chickens pledged to preserve Habitat for Humanity until Ragnarök destroys the world.
- Three men in the same bathroom, with wine, flowers, and a bubble bath, is gay no matter how many of them are robots.
- Christmas ornaments can be jewelry.
- The recipe for digital love requires 40 amps, 120 volts, 200 watts, and 10 digits.
- The fastest way to a woman's artificial heart is via the thermostat dial on her left nipple.
- Without robot sex there wouldn't be Christmas in Japan.
- Opening Credits - I know this music, and I associate it with a film that was...Middle Eastern?
- 4 mins - Cheap plastic beads. Well, at least something about New Orleans survived when the city sank.
- 7 mins - WTF?
- 12 mins - No! Keep it on! Keep it on!
- 15 mins - Emote! Act! Do something, damn you!
- 28 mins - WTF?
- 27 mins - Using carving forks as eating utensils looks more awkward than avant-garde.
- 32 mins - I miss the Narrator.
- 36 mins - Thank goodness you are back. I missed you.
- 37 mins - WTF?
- 40 mins - She sounds more like a constipated senior citizen trying to force their morning constitutional than a robot woman giving birth to a toy.
- 41 mins - WTF did I just say?
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Narrator: "The fleshapoids are mechanical men. They are the servants of the human race, who obey the humans' every command."
||Narrator: "Gianbeno's corrupted, spoiled soul permeated the castle. Except upstairs in the tower, where his wife, Vivianna, entertained her secret lover."
||Narrator: "'It's against nature!' he screamed. 'Against the laws of the universe!' That bodies made out of nuts and bolts would feel the pangs of love in their aluminum hearts."
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Xar commits his first (deadly) sin by slaying his female owner. Yes, the whole movie is like this.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |