|NUDE ON THE MOON
|Copyright 1962 Moon Productions
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 29 May 2001
- Jeff - Goofball scientist who really needed to shop around more before deciding what the woman of his dreams looked like.
- The Professor - Older researcher and he obsesses about Jeff's love life. He has glazed hair.
- Cathy - Secretary who has a crush on the dashing young goofball. One question: am I supposed to find her attractive?
- The Moon Queen - She looks suspiciously familiar... ...oh, it's Cathy without her mole or clothes.
- The Moon Women - Enjoying a life unknown to their Earthly cousins, free from toil, suffering, and breast restraint.
- The Moon Men - They are supposed to look healthy and masculine, but wearing those shorts and antenna ruins the attempt.
|What if Armstrong's first words upon reaching the lunar surface had been slightly different? "That's one small step for man; one giant... ...holy cow, the moon is (garbled) naked women! Whaahooo!" would have caused plenty of consternation among mission control. People scrambling to figure out what is causing the pioneer to hallucinate and others screaming for a video feed. Fortunately for NASA (they would never be able to process all the applications from hopeful astronauts) Neil did not find a nudist colony on Earth's satellite, only miles of sterile regolith.
Jeff and his older friend are waiting for government funding to go ahead with their moon program when a rich uncle dies and leaves the goofball a small fortune. Being a reckless dreamer he uses the unexpected windfall to build a moon rocket. Now, three million dollars is a substantial chunk of money, but some quick research shows that the Apollo flights cost more than one billion each and that's buying in bulk. How did they manage such a feat of financial wizardry? By cutting corners obviously, as their suits will later demonstrate, but there had to be something else. Only one realistic conclusion comes to mind: they bought some children and set up a sweatshop.
Slavery aside, prepare to spend plenty of time watching the two scientists do stuff in a lab. Looks to be a college chemistry lab at that. Are there scenes of the rocket being constructed? No, I think the kids were probably camera shy. Just sit back and enjoy the padding, if you can. During the padding montage (everything before the launch fits this description) we find out that Cathy has the hots for her boss, while he is completely oblivious. Jeff knows that if he gives the female a handwritten letter then a typed version will magically appear on his desk; that's the level of interest.
The big day arrives and the astronauts resolutely enter the launch pad through an unsecured gate (locks cost money you know). No press are present, because Jeff wants to keep things quiet until they successfully return. This flies directly in the face of a known fact. Whenever kooks are up to something, especially if it might involve fireworks and death, there is going to be at least one person with a camera on hand. Don't forget about the huge rocket; no reporter in his right mind would believe it is an experimental water tower.
Leaving the ground and escaping Earth's gravity only takes about four seconds, which gave me a headache. Exerting that much force over that short a period of time on the human body would be messy. The scientific word is "squished." At least the writer seems to have realized that extreme speeds would be at work; both the characters communicate using mics and headphones, even though they are sitting right beside each other. Speed of sound - get it? Huh? Huh? *Groan*
After footage from something else (and I've been trying to figure out what) shows a ship landing on the barren moon we cut back to our film. The two scientists open the outer hatch and step down from their commercial airliner into a serene world full of green grass and flowers. Further exploration discovers a magnificent coral garden that is the home to a race of telepathic moon people! Blessed with a warm climate and bountiful sunshine, the peaceful inhabitants have never invented the shirt (and their shorts technology leaves much to be desired). Low gravity might be the bane of bone and muscle, but it does wonderful things for the female anatomy. One can only describe the women as perky.
Jeff and the Professor are held while the grand council decides their fate. Since the entire meeting takes place telepathically and we are only privy to the Queen's comments what exactly transpired is a mystery. It is safe to assume a few of the questions were, "Should we tell them not to wear boxer shorts under tights?" and "Why do they keep looking at my chest?" Cooler heads prevail and the two goons are soon free again. Let's ignore the nudity for a minute here. What would you do on a moon full of intelligent beings? Try to communicate with them right? Learn about their history and culture, berate yourself for wearing skintight clothing, that sort of thing. The two scientists wander around for thirty minutes, taking the occasional picture and collecting samples. One minute they are watching some nude nymphs frolic, then Jeff instructs the professor to "get some of that soil." Be they men of science or just plain men, it does not make sense.
Problems? Oh, we have problems. Burlesque music accompanies everything here and it's actually pretty appropriate when you consider the subject matter. Five minutes are spent filming a topless woman playing with a flower upon the surface of a pond. I also noticed that, despite being topless all day, a number of women have tan lines shaped like bikinis. Maybe it is a birth defect and they were born without melanin around their breasts? Finally, the furniture here is made from coral! They sit and sleep on coral all day long. Can you imagine the badly placed calluses these people are going to have?
Of course the previously celibate goofball falls in love with the Queen and wants to stay with her. One minute he has less interest in procreation than a neutered dog, then he would rather suffocate than leave her. The Professor drags Jeff back to the ship and averts tragedy, though he manages to leave behind everything they collected and the camera. Without proof of their success nobody will fund a second mission and the young man is devastated until he takes a second look at Cathy.
Words fail to describe all the things wrong with this movie, but the title is a great attention grabber. It is a fairly innocent film though, with no blatant sexual overtones. They seem like such happy little nude people.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Only through hard work and perseverance can one hope to own a typewriter.
- Science sounds like blowing bubbles in a glass of milk.
- Do not hire an auctioneer to read off your countdown timer.
- Flower meters are standard equipment for scientific expeditions.
- Radiation will cause gold to transmute into a different chemical compound.
- The Tooth Fairy spends her vacations on the moon.
- "Toss the Testicle" is a popular game at nudist colonies.
- Women prefer wax paper over chocolate.
- Opening Credits - I'm laying down the law right now. There will be no RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS pointed out. My fingers would quickly get tired from typing, and we all know the meaning of the word "redundant."
- 4 mins - Did he just finish battling evil ninja who were trying to steal the plans?
- 11 mins - Where did she get that picture?
- 15 mins - Everyone in this scene is pulling their weight, except for that shelf.
- 23 mins - HAHAHAHA! Those are some awesome spacesuits! Just look at all that exposed flesh! HAHAHAHA!
- 24 mins - My sides hurt.
- 31 mins - So that's how they came up with the title...
- 35 mins - Good job, now run down those stairs.
- 50 mins - No more enchiladas and beer for her.
- 52 mins - Honey, your bottoms are way too tight. That cannot be comfortable.
- 57 mins - Nothing phallic here, just a woman playing with a long tube that shoots water into the air.
- 68 mins - In this day and age that is sexual harassment.
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Professor: "You're young Jeff. I'd hate to see you risk your life. You may never get off the moon alive."
||Professor: "I'm afraid I fell asleep." |
Jeff: "So did I, what a climax of the trip!"
||Moon Queen: "Are these two strangers, who have suddenly appeared in our midst, our friends or do they come as enemies?"
||Professor: "Ah, I've never seen a specimen like this before." |
Jeff: "Let's see."
Professor: "I'll add this to the collection."
(Nude moon women are all around them and they are looking at a rock.)
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Finding a video clip lacking nudity just about drove me insane, but here you go.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |