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HOW TO FIND A BAD MOVIE

You are all pumped and ready to go find some films - stuff which will torture your friends. How do you pick out a bad movie? Here is a quick reference guide to help you select the right one.

THE TITLE
Is one word.1 point(s)Zardoz
I think it is a word somebody made up.2 point(s)
It is six or more words.3 point(s)
Wow; eight to twelve words!4 point(s)
Hold on while I count...thirteen or more words.*5 point(s)* Note:
Are you sure that's the title?

THE TITLE (CONTINUED)
Contains the words "alien" or "monster."1 point(s)Redneck Zombies
Contains the words "kung fu" or "bikini."2 point(s)
Contains the words "creature" or "nightmare."3 point(s)
Contains the words "blood" or "death."4 point(s)
Contains the words "zombie" or "massacre."5 point(s)

THE COVER
Just looks silly.1 point(s)Werewolves on Wheels
A hologram! (Actually, a lenticular image.)2 point(s)
Features artwork of the creature roaring as people flee in terror.3 point(s)
Appears to have been drawn by a D&D fantatic.4 point(s)
Must have been made with Photoshop.5 point(s)

THE BACK
Contains a few random pictures.1 point(s)Dinocroc
Some of the screenshots feature bad special effects or just a girl screaming at the camera.2 point(s)
There are not any scenes from the movie!3 point(s)
Did somebody draw this with a pen?4 point(s)
I think these pictures are from another film.*5 point(s)* Note:
You should go and find that movie.

THE DESCRIPTION
Compares it to another movie.1 point(s)"Four times faster than sound, the bird is bigger than a battleship and surrounded by an invisible radar-resistant shield which repels existing destructive devices."

"Based on the novel by..."2 point(s)
Includes more adjectives than nouns or verbs.3 point(s)
Says that is a Sci-Fi Channel original production.4 point(s)
Uses the following: "blood-chilling," "terrifying," "unstoppable," "flesh-eating," or similar adjectives.5 point(s)

THE PLOT CONTAINS
Robots, androids, or computers.1 point(s)"The Being, a genetic freak driven psychotic by radiation waste, mutilates and decapitates."

A monster or alien of some sort.2 point(s)
The undead.3 point(s)
A mutant created by radiation, toxic waste, or human experimentation.4 point(s)
It doesn't say what the plot is; it just keeps threatening to scare the pants off of me.5 point(s)

THE MAIN ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
They are famous now, but do not list this on their filmography.1 point(s)Thunder in Paradise, Brother!
This is their only movie appearance.2 point(s)
Also credited as the director, producer, and/or writer.3 point(s)
Appear to have been edited in via old footage.4 point(s)
Used to be a professional wrestler.5 point(s)

THE DIRECTOR OR PRODUCER
Made one movie; this one.1 point(s)Ed Wood
Peter Jackson or Sam Raimi.2 point(s)
Herschell Gordon Lewis or Roger Corman.3 point(s)
Llyod Kaufman or Fred Olen Ray.4 point(s)
Ed Wood.5 point(s)

WHERE WAS THE FILM MADE
I am sure that it was not made in Hollywood.1 point(s)"When the earth spits out the dead, they will rise to suck the blood of the living!"

Zombi 2 (Italy, 1979)
New York, before 1990.2 point(s)
In somebody's back yard.3 point(s)
Italy, after 1970.4 point(s)
Mexico, before 1970.5 point(s)

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FROM THE BADMOVIES.ORG ARCHIVES
ImageThe Giant Claw - Slime drop

Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

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