|PLEASE DON'T EAT MY MOTHER
|Copyright 1973 Boxoffice International Pictures
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 26 October 2008
- Henry Fudd - Somebody should tell this guy to change his sweater. However, I was mighty glad that he kept it on for most of the film. Bereft of his pants and sweater, Henry looks like a Brillo pad wearing a white t-shirt and a red jock strap. Yikes!
- Henry's Mother (Clarice) - When she is not gabbing on the phone she is nagging Henry. Nothing ever changes. This explains why so many sons buy their mothers cell phones with unlimited calling plans. Anyway, she becomes plant chow.
- Officer O'Columbus - Look out, it's an amateur komedian! Thankfully, he gets et, because I could not take much more of his komedi.
- Plant Salesman - "I think floral arrangements just make for a gay day! Don't you? Oh, I just love having a gay day! Don't you? I'm just gay about today!"
- The Couple in the Car - She was made of white dough and a faux Scot. Him...egad...I saw way too much of him. *SHUDDER*
- The Couple in the Park - The scary thing here was not him, nor her, but the tree they were under; somebody had spray painted it light blue! Both got munched.
- The Couple in the Bedroom - He was guilty of being an insecure putz, and she obviously insisted that they keep her old bed (the same one she'd had since her 14th birthday) when they got married. Both become plant food, though one of them is served postmortem.
- Eve - A huge, woman-eating plant that has a sultry female voice. While she might be able to eat men, she does not like the taste of them.
- Adam - What this male plant needed was a recliner, a beer, and a television set.
- Dolph Lundgren's Mother & Bob Costa - I think that they helped make this movie.
|This is the story of Henry, a forty-year-old man still living with his mother. Henry does not exactly get a lot of play with the ladies, partially because he lives with his mom, and partially because he has no idea what to do with a woman. Our protagonist is the kind of guy who spends hours reading porn magazines, ogling all the bumps and curves, but would spaz out if a woman ever tried to kiss him.
Something else that Henry does is to spy on copulating couples. Every day he eats his lunch in a quiet spot while he watches a parked couple who fondle each other (and more). It might be that the guy and his gal never leave that spot, but I find that rather unlikely. Practicing procreation in a hot car for several days would be hazardous to the health of anything besides some reptiles. Judging by the hair on the Couple in the Car, which is almost everywhere, they are definitely mammals.
Yes, for the most part, I equate hair with mammals. Fine, take a mated pair of platypuses, stick them in a car on a hot day, and see if you get an egg or two bloated, hair-covered, duck-billed corpses. Before you get pedantic on me about the mating habits of heat-loving organisms, maybe you should think of the monotremes.
Won't somebody please think of the monotremes?
And they are still Mammalia, so there.
Walking home from work one day, Henry is lured into a back lot where a touchy-feely fellow is selling plants from a makeshift stand. Ignore the fact that Henry willingly enters a chicken wire enclosure that is occupied by a few plants and a man who will not stop rubbing on him; for some reason Henry is the kind of guy who attracts the attention of gay men wherever he goes (must be the sweater). Anyway, Henry discovers an ugly little plant that repeatedly makes a *GLUMP* sound. He immediately purchases the mini monstrosity and skips the whole way home.
Waiting at home for Henry is his mother, and that woman would incite violence out of anybody, even Gandhi. She drives Henry nuts! My mom drives me nuts, but that is because she has a bizarre idea of nutrition (often refusing to eat anything besides bologna sandwiches) and still refers to me as her "baby." Mom, I am a foot taller than you, and twice your weight. Quit calling me "Baby." Oh, and the next time you try to feed my daughter a teaspoon of pure mayonnaise, I am not going to be responsible for my wife's actions.
Eh, moms...what can you do? At least mine is not a wrinkled and bitter old hag like Henry's mother. She's just zany.
The little plant that Henry brought home to his room - his hideous light blue and lime green room that looks like a disastrous product of "Trading Spaces" - does more than just *GLUMP*. It talks, and it is actually a she! The little foliage floozy seduces Henry with her enticing voice. For Eve, he will do anything. She convinces him to bring her flies, frogs, cats, and even dogs. If Eve hears something outside, she wants to taste it. Supplying the voracious flora with enough food forces Henry to take on a second job, but he is smart about it: Henry starts working at the local pound, and he often brings his work home with him. Sadly, the manager of the pound notices that Henry never brings the dogs back the next day either, so he gets fired from that job.
Now, Eve might talk sexy, but her high-protein diet results in clouds of oral flatulence after every feeding. That is not so lady-like, now is it? When was the last time you saw a pretty woman belch so foully that her internal gasses were actually visible, and thought to yourself, "Man, I wish I could get some of that?"
Henry does not seem to mind Eve's biological quirks. Having a woman (in the botanical sense) around that is willing to talk to him is enough to make the whole thing worthwhile. Even though the title of this film is "Please Don't Eat My Mother," and that seems to indicate that Henry will spend no small amount of time preventing his plant from devouring his mom, Clarice becomes a snack about halfway through the film. I think Henry wanted her to get et. A better title would have been "Eat My Mother, Please."
After his mother becomes screaming internal fertilizer, a cop shows up to investigate her disappearance (Clarice's absence obviously caused the switchboard operator to become suspicious). Well, the plant eats the cop! Then Eve forces Henry to order a call girl, because men do not agree with her. What the predatory plant wants is tender young woman flesh. Whenever Henry balks at Eve's requests, which becomes more often as time goes on, she coughs out the cop's pistol and badge as a reminder of the putz's complicity in the crimes.
Henry spends most of his time see-sawing between "put upon schmuck" and "jubilant plant collaborator."
The movie tragically misses the opportunity to really shine by having the protagonist impotently attack his leafy oppressor. I wanted to see Henry, wearing a fuzzy black sweater, spraying Eve with a garden hose and screaming, "Shut up, you freak! Shut up!" Lashing out like that would have been ineffective, maybe even counterproductive; Eve is one big plant.
Until now I have not really mentioned a major part of "Please Don't Eat My Mother," and that is the inclusion of completely gratuitous softcore sex scenes. They probably comprise half of the film's running time! The first two couples appear to engage in activity that spans the course of several days. Henry raises Eve from a little sprout to an enormous flytrap-inspired monster, and the same two people are still bumping uglies in the park.
I get sore just thinking about it.
Just when I thought it could not get any worse, Eve demands that Henry find her a partner. A quick trip back to the same back lot shop where he found Eve proves fruitful, and Henry returns home with Adam. The two males seem to hit it off, because they are both guys, even if whole kingdoms separate them. Unlike Henry, Adam knows exactly what to do with a female of his species. Yup, the plants have sex. Everything happens off camera, and it thankfully ends a lot faster than I thought horticultural hanky-panky would take, but I did listen to plants having sex.
The plot's coup-de-grace to Henry's self-esteem happens after he witnesses a post-coital spat that results in a busty young wife shooting her husband. Henry helps her dispose of the body by feeding it to Adam, and the wife gets turned on! Before Henry can whip out his joyvine and go to seed with the fruitful woman, Eve eats her! Henry wilts on the spot. Hay, what is up with that? The poor man was finally about to lose his cherry, but the budding romance is cut off before it could take root. That is the last straw! The next time Henry brings a woman home, you had better leave her alone until the bed is well and truly soiled!
See, the problem is that you let your guard down, foolishly believing that I would not resort to stupid puns at the finish. Shame on you.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Mountain Dew is an aphrodisiac.
- Want to drive a woman crazy with desire? Suck on her bra.
- Judaism is a recessive gene that is inherited from the father.
- The reason that your grandfather's generation insisted on having sex with the lights out was not that they were "old-fashioned," but because their wives were damn ugly.
- Being DWIYOH (Drunk While In Your Own House) is also illegal.
- Prostitutes give handsome customers a 20% discount.
- "Hung like a gardenia" is a compliment.
- Plants are heterosexual, but homoconsumptive.
- "You've got a pretty nice set" is also a compliment.
- 3 mins - He is just checking to see if she really is Scottish.
- 9 mins - "Because you are an annoying old nag, Mom."
- 17 mins - She was wearing black panties under her kilt! Definitely not Scottish!
- 23 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 25 mins - Ahhhhhhhhh! Didn't need that!
- 28 mins - You know, it is probably time to trim that bush.
- 28 mins - Wondering about my last comment, aren't you?
- 53 mins - The microphone, and the hand of whoever is holding it, are the only entertaining things in this scene.
- 61 mins - You probably taste like bacon. I would bet money on it.
- 66 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 77 mins - That is exactly how I feel about this movie. I would like to borrow that revolver, after you are finished with it.
- 80 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Eve: "Hi, baby. Hi, Henry. Got some num-nums?" |
Henry: "Wow, are you growing, and so fast! Well, I got a whole new batch of flies for you."
Eve: "You're a good fellow, Henry."
||Henry: "Kvetch! Kvetch! Kvetch! That's you!" |
Mother: "Don't talk like that! You sound like your father."
Henry: "Well, why shouldn't I sound like him? Look what I've been living with."
Mother: "Now, hold your tongue, bubbee."
Henry: "Knock off that 'bubbee' stuff."
||Eve eats the call girl.
||Henry: "I'm buying!" |
Plant Salesman: "We're selling!"
Henry: "How much?"
Plant Salesman: "Same as the one before."
Adam: "Hey look, he's been pushing me all week and there ain't no takers. Tell him you want to buy one of them bags of super pro grow, and have him throw me in for free. He'll take it."
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Officer O'Columbus learns that "If it looks like a man-eating plant then it probably is a man-eating plant" the hard way.
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