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TITANIC - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1998, Paramount Pictures
Reviewed by Max Gardner on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Jack - Leonardo DiCaprio! Greasy-haired drifter and sketch artist. Freezes to death.
  • Rose - Kate Winslet! Forward-thinking rich girl who inexplicably falls for Jack.
  • Cal - Billy Zane! Rose's fiancee, a cunning businessman with absolutely no knowledge of the world around him.
  • Lovejoy - David Warner! Cal's evil valet. Falls through the ship when it breaks in half.
  • Tommy - Stereotypical Irishman. Shot by Murdoch.
  • Molly Brown - Kathy Bates! Lumpy woman with a mind numbingly American accent.
  • Fabrizzio - Jack's best friend. Squashed by a falling smokestack. Ouch!
  • Capt. Smith - Presumably drowned when the cabin floods.
  • Lightoller - Second officer. Has a lot of amusing dialogue.
  • Murdoch - Titanic's first officer. Shoots himself.
  • Brock - Bill Paxton! Modern treasure-hunter scouring the remains of the Titanic for diamonds.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

If you thought James Cameron could go no lower than The Abyss, think again. How the mighty have fallen: the director of Aliens finally betrays whatever talent he once had with this ridiculous triumph of the human spirit. Here we have 1990's actors, acting like 1990's people, in 1912. They bum smokes, spit off the railings and give each other the finger. Our excruciatingly long story begins with Jack Dawson, who wins a trip on the Titanic in a card game and consequently saves Rose, reluctant future bride to the bastardly Cal, from a suicide attempt. Jack and Rose are taken with one another, party below decks with the Irish and steam up the back of a car. Then the iceberg hits, and things get fun. The last half of this movie isn't half bad, for one reason alone: it really is satisfying to watch 1500 self-obsessed primitives die horribly with nothing to blame but their own hubris. Keep an eye out for the old guy who falls and bounces off a few railings on the way down. This guy earns Titanic one slime on his own. The other goes to David Warner, about the only intelligent and charismatic person on the entire ship. There's also a cameo by Lewis Abernathy, the producer of House 3. All in all, a halfway decent waste of four hours. Maybe all the direct-to-video ripoffs were better.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • People in 1912 flipped each other off on a regular basis.
  • Old people bounce.
  • 101-year-old ladies are entirely coherent and sensible.
  • Falling on a propeller looks like it hurts.
  • Hats in the early 1900's were not designed with convenience in mind.
  • Violinists aren't too bright.
  • British people are obnoxious. Without exception.
  • The human race evolved from lemmings, not monkeys.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • Tape 1, 11 min - She looks like a baked potato. Gah, liver spots!
  • Tape 1, 17 min - They'll use that line when the movie's re-released before the Oscars.
  • Tape 1, 30 min - Whoever built this ship has a few issues with his masculinity.
  • Tape 1, 68 min - Mmmmm, Guinness....
  • Tape 1, 81 min - It'd be nice if that boom smacked both of them upside the head right about now.
  • Tape 1, 95 min - PG-13? Uh-huh.
  • Tape 2, 9 min - Cameron stole that line word-for-word from Twin Peaks.
  • Tape 2, 18 min - Swinging a fire ax with your eyes closed isn't a good idea.
  • Tape 2, 40 min - They wouldn't be hypothermic by now or anything....
  • Tape 2, 43 min - James is getting a little heavy-handed here.
  • Tape 2, 48 min - Of all the people on this boat, Fabrizzio is the most dead.
  • Tape 2, 52 min - Ouch! (The propeller put a spin on that guy.)
  • Tape 2, 60 min - Just what I was thinking.


  • Kid: "Daddy, it's a ship!"
    Father: "You're right."
  • Jack: "Well, that's the good thing about Paris. Lots of girls willing to take their clothes off."
  • Rose: "Teach me to ride like a man."
    Jack: "And chew tobacco like a man."
    Rose: "And...SPIT like a man!"
  • Molly: "Hey sonny, what's doin'? You've got us all trussed up here, and now we're coolin' our heels."
  • Lightoller: "Back, I say! OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ALL LIKE DOGS."
  • Lightoller: "Bloody pull faster, and pull!"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note titanic1.wav Brock: "All right, you have my attention Rose, can you tell us who the woman in the picture is?"
Rose: "Oh yes, the woman in the picture is me."
Green Music Note titanic2.wav Rose: "You're distracting me, go away!"
Green Music Note titanic3.wav Rose: "I think you must have had a love affair with her."
Jack: "No, no, no, no... ...just with her hands, she was a one-legged prostitute."
Green Music Note titanic4.wav Owner: "This maiden voyage of Titanic must make headlines."
Green Music Note titanic5.wav Jack: "You're no picnic. All right, you're a spoiled little brat even."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 



 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptitanic1.mpg - 1.4m
Propeller bouncing contest.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6
Re: Titanic
Reply #33. Posted on April 12, 2007, 06:24:40 AM by Alain
Well as far as i'm concerned , the love story of this movie should have been excluded , actually what we wanted to see it's the ship sinking (1 hour and a half and kiss it goodbye) the rest sucks

and has anyone noticed that the water was very cold (a lot of people died from that)  but it doesn't seemed to be so for the water inside the ship for Rose and Jack (they should normally have died already) 

Oh and another thing I'm from province of Quebec , Canada and i am more than happy that Celine Dion decided to  live in the US (her voice gets on my and the majority of Quebecers very nerve..Yayy Thumbup
Re: Titanic
Reply #34. Posted on April 12, 2007, 02:28:18 PM by Flangepart
I hated this movie for two reasons: the fact that they turned a tragedy into a love story and Leornado Dicapiro.  They did this in the Pearl Harbor movie too, a love story in the Pearl Harbor setting.  
[color=]This explains why the Great Luke Ski song "Titanic Monday" includes the line "How many chic flicks have you seen, where over 1500 people died?" Oh, the SHIP was great, and some of the real people...but... I've said it before, i'll say it again. "Sleep with the fishes, leo!"[/color]
Re: Titanic
Reply #35. Posted on April 21, 2007, 12:45:57 AM by watson11
  Titanic is a romantic movie and it topped the chart those days.Though the film did  not provide the correct information,this one is a must watch movie.I think I saw the film nearly a fifty times.Kate Winslet was mind blowing and so was Caprio.
Re: Titanic
Reply #36. Posted on January 10, 2008, 01:44:47 PM by Michael Twomey
I tink tis is a disgrace.whoever wrote this sh## must have been watchin a different film.titanic is the best film that has ever been made and i dont give a sh## what anyone else thinks.
The time has come
Reply #37. Posted on March 05, 2008, 02:34:40 PM by ere I am, J.F
As a practical achievement Titanic looks great, so good in fact that people don't notice the horrible dialogue, acting or stupid situations.
Of course we could always discuss if it should be on because the director was established, the movie is big budget and it received many oscars.

We would find out that movies can still be very flaky, take Cleopatra, Heaven's Gate and still have a huge budget, Cameron was a protege of Roger Corman and most of his movies were and are big budget B-movies, this one was among the worst and the oscars is a popularity contest among the Hollywood studio.

Reasons why Titanic should be placed on here would be: a gunfight on board a sinking ship between hero and villain, the misstake of using the wrong guy that shoots passangers and then himself, flipping of the bird, Leo and Kate running down a corridor in slow-mo escaping water, a guy dropping some handy keys when they get trapped, steamy sex scene in automobile, the lovely couple kissing up on deck and distracting the look-out until the ship crashes into an iceberg, the old Rose asking if Paxton & crew want to know if Leo and she, "did it" and listeners finding it cute (hearing your great grandmother talk about her sexual escapades might not be as funny as this movie tries to make it).

If that's not enough how about the ridiculous reception where almost everyone declared it to be fantastic and Cameron himself running up in joy to grab his first oscar and later accepting his next one only to tell the audience to have a silent moment for the people that died on the Titanic, a real tear-jerker for sure.
Re: Titanic
Reply #38. Posted on November 13, 2008, 12:20:29 AM by Gene
The only real travesty is this. this god-awful piece of cinematic crap beat L.A. Confidential for best pic of the year.
Re: Titanic
Reply #39. Posted on November 13, 2008, 08:29:26 PM by BoyScoutKevin
The only real travesty is this. this god-awful piece of cinematic crap beat L.A. Confidential for best pic of the year.

Why am I not surprised by this. If you see the Academy Awards, what you will not see--many times--is the best film of the year receive the Oscar for Best Picture.
Re: Titanic
Reply #40. Posted on November 14, 2008, 10:36:44 AM by WilliamWeird1313
I hate the Oscars. Bunch of self-involved, self-adoring, egotistical, "look at me!", pat-yourself-on-the-back, masturbatory studio system b.s.
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