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TITANIC - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1998, Paramount Pictures
Reviewed by Max Gardner on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Jack - Leonardo DiCaprio! Greasy-haired drifter and sketch artist. Freezes to death.
  • Rose - Kate Winslet! Forward-thinking rich girl who inexplicably falls for Jack.
  • Cal - Billy Zane! Rose's fiancee, a cunning businessman with absolutely no knowledge of the world around him.
  • Lovejoy - David Warner! Cal's evil valet. Falls through the ship when it breaks in half.
  • Tommy - Stereotypical Irishman. Shot by Murdoch.
  • Molly Brown - Kathy Bates! Lumpy woman with a mind numbingly American accent.
  • Fabrizzio - Jack's best friend. Squashed by a falling smokestack. Ouch!
  • Capt. Smith - Presumably drowned when the cabin floods.
  • Lightoller - Second officer. Has a lot of amusing dialogue.
  • Murdoch - Titanic's first officer. Shoots himself.
  • Brock - Bill Paxton! Modern treasure-hunter scouring the remains of the Titanic for diamonds.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

If you thought James Cameron could go no lower than The Abyss, think again. How the mighty have fallen: the director of Aliens finally betrays whatever talent he once had with this ridiculous triumph of the human spirit. Here we have 1990's actors, acting like 1990's people, in 1912. They bum smokes, spit off the railings and give each other the finger. Our excruciatingly long story begins with Jack Dawson, who wins a trip on the Titanic in a card game and consequently saves Rose, reluctant future bride to the bastardly Cal, from a suicide attempt. Jack and Rose are taken with one another, party below decks with the Irish and steam up the back of a car. Then the iceberg hits, and things get fun. The last half of this movie isn't half bad, for one reason alone: it really is satisfying to watch 1500 self-obsessed primitives die horribly with nothing to blame but their own hubris. Keep an eye out for the old guy who falls and bounces off a few railings on the way down. This guy earns Titanic one slime on his own. The other goes to David Warner, about the only intelligent and charismatic person on the entire ship. There's also a cameo by Lewis Abernathy, the producer of House 3. All in all, a halfway decent waste of four hours. Maybe all the direct-to-video ripoffs were better.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • People in 1912 flipped each other off on a regular basis.
  • Old people bounce.
  • 101-year-old ladies are entirely coherent and sensible.
  • Falling on a propeller looks like it hurts.
  • Hats in the early 1900's were not designed with convenience in mind.
  • Violinists aren't too bright.
  • British people are obnoxious. Without exception.
  • The human race evolved from lemmings, not monkeys.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • Tape 1, 11 min - She looks like a baked potato. Gah, liver spots!
  • Tape 1, 17 min - They'll use that line when the movie's re-released before the Oscars.
  • Tape 1, 30 min - Whoever built this ship has a few issues with his masculinity.
  • Tape 1, 68 min - Mmmmm, Guinness....
  • Tape 1, 81 min - It'd be nice if that boom smacked both of them upside the head right about now.
  • Tape 1, 95 min - PG-13? Uh-huh.
  • Tape 2, 9 min - Cameron stole that line word-for-word from Twin Peaks.
  • Tape 2, 18 min - Swinging a fire ax with your eyes closed isn't a good idea.
  • Tape 2, 40 min - They wouldn't be hypothermic by now or anything....
  • Tape 2, 43 min - James is getting a little heavy-handed here.
  • Tape 2, 48 min - Of all the people on this boat, Fabrizzio is the most dead.
  • Tape 2, 52 min - Ouch! (The propeller put a spin on that guy.)
  • Tape 2, 60 min - Just what I was thinking.


  • Kid: "Daddy, it's a ship!"
    Father: "You're right."
  • Jack: "Well, that's the good thing about Paris. Lots of girls willing to take their clothes off."
  • Rose: "Teach me to ride like a man."
    Jack: "And chew tobacco like a man."
    Rose: "And...SPIT like a man!"
  • Molly: "Hey sonny, what's doin'? You've got us all trussed up here, and now we're coolin' our heels."
  • Lightoller: "Back, I say! OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ALL LIKE DOGS."
  • Lightoller: "Bloody pull faster, and pull!"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note titanic1.wav Brock: "All right, you have my attention Rose, can you tell us who the woman in the picture is?"
Rose: "Oh yes, the woman in the picture is me."
Green Music Note titanic2.wav Rose: "You're distracting me, go away!"
Green Music Note titanic3.wav Rose: "I think you must have had a love affair with her."
Jack: "No, no, no, no... ...just with her hands, she was a one-legged prostitute."
Green Music Note titanic4.wav Owner: "This maiden voyage of Titanic must make headlines."
Green Music Note titanic5.wav Jack: "You're no picnic. All right, you're a spoiled little brat even."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 



 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptitanic1.mpg - 1.4m
Propeller bouncing contest.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2 3 ... 6
Reply #1. Posted on May 19, 2000, 08:16:07 AM by Jim
If you want to watch a movie about the Titanic rent A Night to Remember. It's a lot better than this and it's also funny to see how much Cameron ripped off this movie.
Reply #2. Posted on May 18, 2000, 09:13:09 PM by K. Jung
It seems that the time finally has come to clarify
the movie selection process of

Movies here have been mostly B-movies with tight budget
but with unlimited imagination, by people who like movie making but with little talent.

That explains why did not review many mainstream bad movies such as Show Girls, Postman, and Armageddon or any crap like that. They are for

Max might not like Titanic, but there are too many stupid but fun movies worth his reviewing.

I think now is very appropriate time to review our collection and determine our criterion, removing some movies for the site's consistency.

As a huge fan of this site, I was amazed at Titanic here. should invest its resources in a more focused way.

What about the following movies as the candidate.

1. Flesh(not Flash) Gordon 1, 2
2. Escape from New York

It we have our opinion on which movie should be in this site, that will be a lot better.

Reply #3. Posted on May 18, 2000, 03:41:42 PM by Lisa
I absolutely loved this movie and it brings me to tears everytime I watch it.  Now maybe I'm just a big sap, but it was a beautiful love story.  It showed that love can get us through even the most difficult situations and that we can love when all is taken from us as well.  Granted, anyone else would have been better cast than Leo, but the movie was wonderful.  I agree, the pg-13 rating was laughable...
Reply #4. Posted on May 19, 2000, 10:59:51 AM by Thundercracker
Firstly, I just want to say that I was thrilled to see Titanic on here.  I couldn't wait to see it torn apart by someone other than me and my friends.  I hate this movie, and James Cameron should be bloody ashamed of himself.  When I saw it in the theatre, I kept cheering for Billy Zane as he tried to shoot DiCrappio and Winslett, and I had to try terribly hard not to laugh when, after promising to never let him go, Winslett disgustedly pries DiCrappio's cold dead fingers from her wrist and lets him sink into the ocean.  
Reply #5. Posted on May 19, 2000, 11:09:18 AM by Mark
Sorry, but this isn't even close to being a bad movie.  Of all the obvious choices for recent bad movies (Twister, ID4, Godzilla(1998), Armageddon) Titanic is a waste of time to even mention on this site.  Bad choice,
Reply #6. Posted on May 21, 2000, 02:06:11 AM by 69libra
I apologize for watching this scene of the wimpy-ass, pathetic fall that the propellor guy did, I watched it three times to remind myself how bad the nightmare was when I was sitting in the theatre watching this garbage. Time of yours was wasted when I attrubited my visual sense to the rememberance of that infernal ship, for this I apologize. How can one payback time? Until then.............
Reply #7. Posted on May 24, 2000, 03:00:44 PM by Paul Westbrook
I must agree with the vast majority of film fans out there, and being an expert of film knowledge, I must ask WHY IS TITANIC ON THIS SITE? It is a cinematic achievement of epic proportions. Few movies far and few between equal the epic nature of this piece of filmmaking. This is a terrific movie, and I totally disagree with whoever deemed this a bad movie. And I do know my movies. How about 2000 Maniacs. What if it ends up on a site devoted to Oscar Winning Films? Titanic as a bad movie is a gross error in judgement.
Reply #8. Posted on June 13, 2000, 10:46:33 PM by Max Levin
I agree with those who finds this suckass-movie to be completely bad! Guess what? I saw this crappaholic on Friday the 13;th! That day many things went rockbottom for my sake, I remember, but this movie was the worst thing of them all! Christ! I even suggest Leo Da Crappaholio to return to the big screen as the same throwback he was in Gilbert Grape( DA-AMN heīs fantastic as a no-brainer! >:D)! Am I the only one in this world to find the acting bad here? Jacksī girlfriend( I hate her acting so much that I've forgot her name.) are so hysterical. "NoOo! NOT WITHOUT YoOoU!"=class of B-movie line. Many other actors are eyekillers too, but I donīt feel like dealing with them here. I hate this movie and James Cameron has become a p***y. Thatīs all folks!
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