TETSUO
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| Unrated
| | Copyright 1988 Kaijyu Theater
| | Reviewed by Josh Leman
on 7 March 2001
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- Salaryman - Nerdy Japanese office worker whose flesh randomly starts turning into metal. This proves to be something of a turn-on for his girlfriend, at least for a while...
- Metals Fetishist - Nutcase (played by the nutcase who wrote, directed, produced, photographed, and edited this abomination) who enjoys mutilating himself with metal bars. He also begins to transform into a metal monster.
- Girlfriend - Sexually voracious woman who lives with the Salaryman. She still likes him even when he's a walking mass of metal, but eventually falls victim to his giant phallic drill.
- Woman in Subway - Nerdy-looking woman (she'd be a perfect match for the Salaryman) who turns into a zombie/metal monster in a subway.
- Bum - Random guy with an umbrella on his back who shows up towards the end and causes some trouble with a lead pipe.
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Tetsuo: The Iron Man is one of the most relentless movies out there, but thankfully it clocks in at a fairly lean 67 minutes. A disturbed young man inserts a rusty metal bar into his leg, then runs out into the street yelling in agony before being run over by a Clark Kent-ish Salaryman. A few days later, the nerdy Salaryman doesn't quite know how to react when he finds a metal whisker sticking out of his cheek, especially when he tries to touch it and it squirts blood all over everything. He's also a bit confused when the lady sitting next to him in the subway turns into a monster/zombie and tries to kill him. So, like any self-respecting guy, he goes to his girlfriend's apartment for some kinky sex to take his mind off his troubles.
Unfortunately, his penis suddenly turns into a GIANT ROTATING PHALLIC DRILL! And, wouldn't you know, his girlfriend sorta likes it... ...until she gets drilled and spurts blood all over the wall. Then the crazy metals fetishist from the beginning shows up for some revenge against the Salaryman. They battle and chase one another in jerky stop-motion before finally merging together on a mission to rust the entire world into nonexistence.
There isn't really any way to describe this movie, but it's a lot like if you took an incredibly gory, completely insane anime and changed it into live action. It's certainly not for everybody, but you'll never, ever, ever forget it. Highly worth watching if you're in the mood for a different kind of bad.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- If you run some crazy guy over in the street, make sure he's dead before you mate with your girlfriend right in front of his body.
- Inserting a rusty bar into your body will cause you to rust once you start changing into metal.
- The best way to make a crazy scene even crazier is to film it in stop-motion.
- Women still check themselves in the mirror even after they've become mutant cyborg zombies.
- The world will end with neither a bang nor a whimper, but with a thirty foot stop-motion animated mass of twisted metal rolling through the streets of Tokyo.
- Really horny women have a thing for timid office suit types.
- Cyborgs get turned on by a woman licking a fork.
- There is absolutely no limit to how far a movie can go. None whatsoever.
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- 2 mins - Whoa, we've got shaky-cam...
- 3 mins - Ouch! If my blood were that thin and runny I wouldn't be cutting myself open...
- 5 mins - Maggots!
- 16 mins - Cool sound effects!
- 17 mins - Okay, so I guess this movie isn't ever going to get normal.
- 20 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SALARYMAN'S ANUS!
- 25 mins - OH MY GOD!!! Well, can't say I've ever seen THAT in a movie before.
- 26 mins - NOTHING BOTHERS YOU!? Lady, didn't you just SEE that thing?
- 31 mins - Ouch! Well, can't say I didn't see that coming sooner or later...
- 44 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CAT! (Well, sort of.)
- 57 mins - You know, that happened to me once...
- 67 mins - GAME OVER!
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- Girlfriend: "What are you doing? What's wrong?"
Salaryman: "Nothing. Nothing."
- Salaryman: "You wanna play with a sewer screw, bitch?"
- Scientist: "You've got a piece of metal stuck in your brain. I can't believe you're still alive."
Metals fetishist: "Let's say it's artistically stuck there."
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | tetsuo1.mpg
- 2.6m
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Why does the girlfriend dissolve into apple press mulch and birth the Metals Fetishist from her dissolving form? I don't know. I really don't have a clue one.
Freaks!
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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