|Copyright 2007 The Asylum
| Reviewed by Vultur
on 28 March 2008
- Captain Lynch Good Army guy; one of our "stars." One of the few Army people who actually does things.
- Private Celia Perez Good Army guy (well, gal); one of our stars. Another Army person who actually does things.
- Dr. Leah Perrot Scientist who makes a lot of inaccurate statements. Obsessed with the crocodile's eggs.
- General McFadden Head incompetent army guy; makes ineffectual plans to stop crocodile.
- Various Other Military Incompetent Army guys that either help steal the eggs or help McFadden with ineffective plans.
- Assorted Townsfolk and Croc Chow That about says it.
- The Supercroc A 100-foot, 10,000 ton crocodile.
|Okay, a bunch of Army people are wandering around rather aimlessly. We have to watch this for way too long. They are talking so quietly you can hardly hear them even with the volume turned up high. Finally, a crocodile (supposedly, the graphics make it look like a floating piece of...um...fecal matter) comes up and eats somebody, but we don't really get to see much. Our heroes still don't do much. A girl comes wandering up, all scared, and tells the Army guys that they need to get out of here. They of course pooh-pooh her fears, and somebody else (I think) gets eaten, but they never showed much, so I might be wrong. Finally they find some huge eggs. The predictable semi-evil military/scientist wants to get the eggs, etc.
So this big slow-motion croc chase ensues. Crocodile gets spotted, Army sends planes and helicopters after it, croc vanishes again. Rinse and repeat. This is punctuated by the ineffectual Army guys doing a lot of hand-wringing while mapping its approach to L.A., and Dr. Perrot making some misleading and incorrect statements about the crocodile.
As for Dr. Perrot, she is the obligatory movie pseudo-scientist who comes off as an idiot because the movie-makers didn't take time to do any research. In this one, Perrot makes some major errors. She keeps using the word "archosaur" like it meant this specific kind of crocodile. It's really a very broad classification including dinosaurs, alligators, crocodiles, etc. But who cares? There are much worse errors here. It came out of undersea caves where it had been for hundreds or thousands of years (what was it eating?) For example, Perrot also says that archosaurs are impervious to "modern bullets." Huh? And HOW IN $^%@ does it weigh "10,000 tons?" Is this the patented "Depleted Uranium Crocodile?"
Even worse, a major reason the crocodile doesn't get blown up by the airplanes is that it keeps vanishing into the woods. The Air Force and Army can't find a "10,000 ton" crocodile near LA?
OK, back to the "plot." During one of the (ineffective) sorties against it, the crocodile jumps up and grabs a helicopter in its mouth. This goes on for (seemingly) minutes till the inevitable crash comes. But not only do they make even this scene boring (!), the special effects in this scene are probably the worst effects since 1960! Everything is totally low-resolution and blurred.
Finally, the crocodile reaches the city (where Our heroes are now). Now the military is going "Oh no! Can we use bombs in L.A.? But if we don't, the crocodile will kill people!" You know how it always goes when the military wants to bomb a monster in a populated area. Our heroes face several scenes with the croc attacking buildings, but finally our heroes blow it up with a bomb placed under its soft underside.
One final complaint: for a monster movie, there isn't nearly enough action. I like mindless action movies, but this is kind of boring. All the inaccuracies and dumbnesses, maybe even the horrid special effects, could be forgiven if it was at least exciting - but no! It isn't even a good "mindless action movie." The only real "action" scene is right at the end, when the croc gets blown up.
This movie could be titled "What Not to Do With CGI."
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Crocodiles are the densest animals on Earth.
- There are giant forests between Los Angeles and the coast.
- 100-foot crocodiles are difficult to locate.
- "10,000" ton crocodiles can live in underwater caves for "centuries."
- The US military can win World Wars, but it cannot kill one stupid crocodile.
- 1 min Why can't we hear what they're saying?
- 5 mins Nope, still can't hear...
- 75 mins We're getting ready for this movie's only exciting scene.
- COC Clerk: "General, the target's moving."
COC Clerk: "Short shift, heat dispersal in the cavity."
Dr. Perrot: "A shift in weight?"
General: "You're implying it's an animal, Leah? What we're looking at here is something bigger than an 18-wheeler."
COC Clerk: "Yeah, it's not an animal."
Dr. Perrot: "What kind of protection are they wearing?"
Major: "Kevlar, our standard edition."
Dr. Perrot: "No...no."
General: "Why, what are you driving at?"
Dr. Perrot: "It's moving organically."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Major: "Radar indicates false positive. Target's too big for our birds at Satcomm. Kilo One we're sending in person." |
COC Clerk: "Sir, it's gone again."
General: "What are you referring to?"
The mass stays in one place, but it vacillates. Hot/cold, disappears - stays in same place."
General: "And we no idea what this is or why it's on American soil?"
Major: "At this point, we are not assuming anything."
||Dr. Perrot: "Based on the size of the area around the mouth, compared to Pvt. Jackson, you're looking at sixty to eighty feet." |
General: "Of what? What am I looking at?"
Dr. Perrot: "A crocodile."
||General: "Well, what will it withstand?" |
Dr. Perrot: "By my calculation, it can walk through a colossal amount of firepower completely unharmed. We did tests on the fossilized scales we found in Niger. The armor on an archosaur is so strong that none of our modern bullets would ever penetrate it. For all of our advanced technology, we have not created anything that comes close to the aggression, resiliency, and overall fighting power of the ancient crocodile."
||Pvt. Perez: "With all due respect, sir: shut up! Because, first of all, it's been my backwoods gator experience that's been keeping us alive so far. And, second of all, this...this is not a wedding ring. It's an engagement ring! What kind of bullet-pissing jarhead moron can't tell the difference between a wedding ring and an engagement ring, huh?"
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Watch the blip. It's an exciting blip. |
Believe it or not, this is one of the better parts of the movie.
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