|SINBAD OF THE SEVEN SEAS
|Copyright 1989 Cannon Films
| Reviewed by Brian
on 'a long time ago'|
- The Narratress and Her Daughter - The former tells the story to the latter to make her fall asleep. It works!
- Sinbad (Lou Ferrigno) - According to the narration, Conqueror of the Seven Oceans, The Greatest Sailor Who Ever Lived, Etc Etc Etc.
- His Colorful Band of Merry Adventurers - Can-Tu, the Chinese Warrior; the Viking; Prince Ali; the Bald Cook; and Poochie The Dwarf. Union Rules for CB of MA state you must have a dwarf or the fines are quite heavy.
- Princess Aleena - Daughter of the Caliph, and betrothed of Prince Ali, she's also desired by Jaffar which causes trouble. Spends most of the film in a contraption that looks like the Killer Klowns put it together.
- The Caliph - Ruler of Basrah. Clueless, then hypnotized, then clueless again.
- Soukra - In league with Jaffar, she's either another magician or a warrior, depending on the dialogue at the time. Contributes nothing but Heavy Metal Biker Babe Look and a Jersey Accent.
- Nadir - A good wizard and inventor who speaks in a weird language made up of squeaks, grunts, and the odd English word.
- Kira - Nadir's daughter, Sinbad falls for her in a big way. She ends up married to the big lug.
- The Rock Monster, the Legions of the Dead, the Amazons, the Undead Warriors, the Ghouls, the Slime Monster, and Anti-Sinbad - Jaffar sends these against Sinbad and his men to keep them from completing their quest. All defeated and mostly dead, too.
- Jaffar - Grand Vizier to the Caliph, he learned black magic and went bad some time ago. Drops through a trapdoor, not of his own choice, but let's hope he runs smack into a sequel.
|The plot is actually pretty straightforward, although Jaffar's goals remain a bit muddled, or perhaps he simply had too many of them - rule over the city, the reign of evil over the earth, the Caliph's daughter, and the death of Sinbad, plus some other miscellaneous business. Perhaps if he'd had a Daytimer or some sort of organizer...
Anyway, Sinbad and his men are returning to port at the same time Jaffar puts his plans into action. He hypnotizes the Caliph, captures the Princess, and unleashes some type of fury which makes all the fruit carts fall over and the people go into hiding. Naturally, when Sinbad arrives into this, he's fairly suspicious. So they go searching the city, and Sinbad ends up in a dungeon full of snakes, while his men (after, it must be noted, kicking the butts of all the guards and soldiers sent after them - Jaffar even shows the princess this) end up in the torture dungeon. Sinbad, however, makes a rope by tying snakes together (with their cooperation) and climbs up to rescue his men.
That wily old devil Jaffar, though, has a vague back up plan. He sends four out of five Sacred Gems of Basrah to scattered corners of the world for his unclear sinister purposes. Poochie sees all this happen, though, and spills the news to the boys: If Sinbad and his men don't get them back within seven moons (whatever that is - if it means, say, seven full moons, that's plenty of time), well, um, something bad will happen. We have it on authority, well, Poochie's authority anyway.
So off they go on a quest. An oracle tells them where to find the gems, though there's some confusion among the men as to what else they're supposed to be doing - Prince Ali, for example, whines each time about how he's sure Aleena hasn't been brought to "this place" and they all basically say "Shaddap about Aleena already" (not a direct quote). Poochie should have said something about where Aleena was, he was there after all, but I guess dwarves can't always rely on union rules or something, maybe he was thinking about future blackmail. Who can tell with dwarves, I ask you?
But they get the four gems back, by beating up Assorted Menaces (see the character listing), and then return to Basrah. Jaffar creates an Anti-Sinbad, but the real Sinbad defeats him. Either that, or Anti-Sinbad had a moving experience when he killed Real Sinbad and changed sides (it's REALLY hard to tell the Sinbads apart). Then Jaffar gets his comeuppance. Kira and Sinbad marry, so do the Prince and Princess. The End.
Not much, huh? Well, this film contains what I consider to be one of the greatest single performances in the history of bad movies: John Steiner as Jaffar. Every thing he says, every gesture and bit of body language is so dizzyingly over the top that it's a wonder he didn't have several heart attacks. I tell you this guy makes William Shatner look like a model of restraint and subtlety.
As a side note, it is interesting how some of the elements in this film show up in Disney's Aladdin film, made some years later. Both Jaffar and the Caliph appear virtually identical to the Disney versions, which also had a "Prince Ali" in it. Thank heavens, this one didn't have any songs. (The mind REELS, reels I tell you...)
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Edgar Allen Poe wrote some of his stories while on dangerous drugs, or drunk out of his mind.
- Synthesizer bands are perfect for scoring Arabian adventures.
- When Viziers go bad, Caliphs are the last ones to know it (if ever).
- Evil viziers live in giant gyroscopes over lava pits.
- Women in the Middle East did not wear veils, but soldiers did.
- Loyalty was really, really hard to come by back then.
- Beloved Caliphs who rule happy cities still keep fully staffed and equipped torture dungeons, because I guess you just never know. (And he never did.)
- Piranha look a lot like sock puppets, except when they look even worse than that.
- Piranha can devour a person, including bones, leather uniform and metal weapons, in one or two seconds.
- If it looks cool and manly to throw your sword away at the start of a fight, it probably works to throw your scabbard away at the next fight.
- To banish the Legions of the Dead, find the leader, pull out his heart (it will have a little face on it), sneer at it and then squish it. This will also improve the weather.
- Dwarves alternate between knowing the whole story and being totally clueless
- To kill a Rock Monster, push on its head until it falls off.
- Undead Warriors who wear suits of armor can be defeated by denting their armor. Yes, men it IS that easy.
- When your Colorful Band of Merry Adventurers is magically separated from you, they will cheer about it.
- Slime Monsters may shoot laser beams from their hands, but their aim stinks and can work to your advantage.
- If you watch this movie too many times, it will take over your brain. "You're next!"
- Jaffar (in his lair): "I, Jaffar, your most devoted vassal, beseech that you grant this humble prayer. The city of Basrah, center of the universe, is a great ripe plum, waiting to be plucked. Grant, that it is my hand, that plucks it!"
- Jaffar (in his lair): "And thus, in your service, may I bring hate, war, poverty and pestilence to this rich and powerful realm; subjugate its people to oppression and torture; and thus ensure, through terror and tyranny, that the kingdom of evil is born!!!"
- Caliph (looking for Jaffar): "Jaffar!!!! Jaffar!! Where is my vizier! JAFFAR!!!! Oh, there you are! What's happening, Jaffar? My people, are a happy people! They love their neighbors! Only an evil spell could have transformed them into beasts! (PAUSE) Huh! Huh! Go and fetch the sacred gems, and we'll carry them in procession, and everything will be all right again! Huh!"
Jaffar: "The Gems no longer exist!"
- Aleena (to the Caliph): "If you've been had by him (Jaffar), it's you're problem, not mine! I'm in love with Ali, and he's the only one I want!" (Jaffar rather visibly waits for his cue, eyes darting like trapped fish) "Father? Guards!!"
Jaffar (grabbing her wrist): "No...you're to be MINE!"
- Sinbad: "Wait a minute, wait a minute! Where is everybody? There's nobody here!"
Poochie: "...there's nobody here!"
Sinbad: "I just said that. That's the point! I thought the whole town would turn out. You know, there's something here I don't like!"
- Sinbad (greeting the Caliph): "What's going on here? (As if suddenly remembering himself, he gestures and says) Greetings, Lord of the faithful."
- Sinbad (to Jaffar): "Now it's time to put you in your place!"
Jaffar (puts a knife to the Caliph's throat): "Yes? The extraordinary powers that I possess make me top of the heap around here!"
- Sinbad's CB of MA decide to search the deserted town
Bald Cook: "I really wish I knew what was going on!"
Poochie: "Let's get out of here!"
Bald Cook: "Shaddap!" (Poochie reacts as if struck) "Let's do this - you go that way, I'll go this way!"
Bald Cook: "...and I am not alone?"
Poochie: "Yes, but you're bigger!"
Bald Cook: "Sh!"
- Sinbad (addressing the snakes): "I need your help. Come here. Nervous, huh? I know where you're coming from. People hating you, and all that. As far as I'm concerned, it all began with that story of Eve. And when they want dirty work done, they really take advantage of you. Like that evil, slimy wizard up there!"
- Jaffar (talking to the Princess): "No one, not Prince Ali, not even his friend Sinbad, the man who I hate more than Hate itself, will stand between me and my heart's desire!!!" (The Princess says nothing) "HA!!!!!!"
- Sinbad (to the snakes): "They say you have a terrible temper...I'd like to see them living in the dark, crawling around all day!" (to once recalcitrant snake) "Here, come here. Come here! Hey, be nice! Attaboy."
- Daughter: "Will Sinbad save them, mommy?"
Narratress: "Sh! You must be patient, and wait and see what Sinbad, and his friends, the snakes, will do!"
- (After the fight with the Legions of the Dead)
Poochie (absent during the melee): "Dinner's ready! Hey, what's with you guys? You look like a...a bunch of weirdos!"
Sinbad: "You missed one hell of a party!"
Sinbad: "But thank God for that!"
Sinbad: "Well, I'm hungry! Let's eat!"
- Jaffar: "Beware of your ambition, Soukra! You must be second to someone, why not me?"
Soukra: "Have you taken your medication this morning?"
- Sinbad (to the Amazon Queen): "Gosh, you're sure beautiful."
- Jaffar: "I can trust no one, let alone a woman!!!"
Soukra: "No, Jaffar! I'm different...and you know it! With me, you ARE invincible!"
(Ed Note: Soukra is one of the crowd cheering the victorious Sinbad at the end...see the remark about loyalty being hard to come by.)
- (Kira, captured, keeps up the infield chatter while Sinbad beats up Ghouls)
Kira: "Push him away! Push him away! That's right! That's right! Yay!"
- Soukra: "There you go again, basking in your bubbles of fiction."
- (Sinbad instructs Nadir and the Bald Cook)
Sinbad: "They'll (his other men) take care of the soldiers...you take care of the monster...and I'll take care of Jaffar." (He goes off to save the day)
Bald Cook: "We'll take care of the soldiers..."
Nadir: (Negative gibberish)
Bald Cook: "Ah...we'll take care of Jaffar!"
Nadir: (Negative and fairly impatient gibberish)
Bald Cook: "Ah...we'll take care of the monster!"
(Nadir indicates his agreement at this, and frankly, who wouldn't? At this point, folks, there IS NO monster.)
- Jaffar (to the remaining Gem): "For the last time...I command you, in the name of all that is evil...Budge! Budge!!!"
- Jaffar (to advancing Sinbad): "I'm warning you! You are forcing me to carry out my most devastating act of magical madness!"
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||The Narratress and her daughter talking.
||Jaffar: "It's me you've got to pay homage to now!"
||Sinbad: "I want to warn you all that this is a big risk. The Amazon Queen is a mind vampire and she can suck any man's will away if you're not careful, even the Viking's." |
||Jaffar: "He's heading straight for the Cavern of Nothingness! Ha ha! What a meal for the Lord of Darkness!"
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Sinbad uses three of the magical jewels to defeat the Lord of Darkness, or whatever this sorry excuse for a monster is called. If somebody started reflecting my deadly rays back at me I stopped shooting deadly rays at them.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |
|Sinbad of the Seven Seas
Reply #1. Posted on December 18, 2000, 07:05:30 PM by Chadzilla
Being a John Steiner fan I just have to see this.
|Sinbad of the Seven Seas
Reply #2. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by lostmissy
i keep hoping that lou would go "green" but he never did!!
|Sinbad of the Seven Seas
Reply #3. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by macgruder
Lou Ferrigno is king of bad movies. This "buddy" film left me washing my eyes out it was so bad. I feel sorry for Lou making these atrocious films, but it gives me and my friends something to watch on bad movie night every week.
If you think this one is bad, check out Desert Warrior with Lou, you'll regret it.
|Sinbad of the Seven Seas
Reply #4. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Chris Gwinn
My friends and I have been obsessed with this flick, and my band has even written a song about Poochie, to be featured on our next CD.
The Law of Fiveshttp://www.thelawoffives.com
|Sinbad of the Seven Seas
Reply #5. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Jeremy G.
Ok im calm now. I think that Sinbad was a good movie, why? CAUSE IT WAS FUNNY! i mean, repeat animation with sinbad bending those bars, i mean! reallY! hahahahahhahahaha! and poochie the dwarf! Jafar! I enjoyed his lame ass comments, like when he was owning htose guards, when he swung around and was like "Im crazy about u" and like stabbed him in the face. AND THE SOCK PUPPET PIRANNAS!!!!!!!!! There was so much steel bending in this game. And not to mention, he took oout his sword, through it down, fell down a dungeon, broke out, than MAGICALLY pulled out another, and THREW THAT ONE DOWN!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!! ok thats it hope u enjoyed
|Sinbad of the Seven Seas
Reply #6. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Friend of Jeremy
I fully understand why Jeremy is obsessed with Lou Ferregno/this movie. The script is poor, the music is magical, the graphics are horrible..therefore making it the BEST BAD MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN! And it's all thanks to Jeremys taste in movies!! Thanks Jeremy!! hahaha!
|Sinbad of the Seven Seas
Reply #7. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Friend of GT
I don't know why people call this the best bad movie they have ever seen, I think it's the best movie I have ever seen period! My friend however doesn't think so and has it at #1 on his list of the Worst Movies of all time. I like everything about Sinbad, Lou Ferrigno although it would be twice as good with his own voice, Jaffar, Sinbads crew, the monsters Sinbad demolishes and especially Kyra's father The Magician("Strickimani,Strickypayii). By the way Sinbad doesn't take out his sword in the dungeon it's his scabbar(just to clear that up). I have seen some of the original Sinbad movies with the scrawny, goofy looking pirate as the hero and personally I think Lou Ferrigno fits the part way better, and I'm tired of hearing people making fun of Lou ferrigno because of Sinbad, Hercules, as well as others. If you ask me Lou ferrigno is hero to many people because he was a child who was born with a disability and overcame to become one of the greatest body builders of all time.(Mr. Olympia, Mr. America, and twice Mr. Universe). Now to get to the movie, I'll admit Sinbad is a little cheap and even somewhat fragmented but when you look at the budget they must have shot it on I think they did a fantastic job with what they had. The only thing that confused me was why Cantu was referred to as a samurai in the credits?(must have been a mistake). Also the bald cook is called a greek but when he's in the dungeon the guy say's "theres nothing my baby's enjoy more than Turkish delight." I read a review of this film on line and discoverd that production was shut down halfway through shooting and that's why some of the story doesn't make sense. I own three copies of Sinbad on vhs, I wish they would come out with a dvd version but my friend GT say's it would be better if all the copies were just burned. I would also love to see a sequal made, if the producers were ever having any ideas. Well I could talk for hours about Sinbad but I've said enough. P.S. If your out there Lou, your still my idol.
|Sinbad of the Seven Seas
Reply #8. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Ken
I understand completely, why Lou Ferrigno would have done these Italian movies (outside of living in Europe, etc.), because of being in a foriegn film would justify his need for a voice-over, without embarassing him too badly. It's also made a little more tolerable too by the rest of the cast being dubbed over, too (well, most the cast, anyway). Despite its excuseable flaws, there are many inexcuseable ones in this picture, which this site's review checks off like a grocery list (though, the "Gay Pride" flag Sinbad uses for a sail in this picture wasn't mentioned)!
A low budget is sometimes the best thing for a picture, putting positive pressure on all involved to compensate with creativity, a strong story, superb acting, etc. Sinbad of the Seven Seas offers none of that, but instead delivers hammy, over-the-top performances/voice-overs and missed opportunities (how dare they resign Teagan Clive to little more than set dressing, when she should have gone fist-to-cuffs in an exciting climax with Sinbad, instead of Lou playing with himself, like he did at the end?!).
It seems to be directed at kids (perhaps mostly), despite it's PG-13 rating, but why is anything that's ever directed at kids always so lazily written and generally stupid (like ALL the Star Wars prequels)? And I understand Lou defending his films with pompous jargon, to preserve his career or whatever, but there seems to be another aspect to it, namely in that he believes his own B.S. - I mean, as far as I've ever been aware of, he's never apologized for "Sinbad of the Seven Seas" - quite the opposite, in fact!
And while kids might not be interested in, or understand politics or the complexities of being in a serious relationship (in movies, they usually bore the hell out of me, too), but they're not brainless! And this particular Sinbad didn't have to be ... and what is the INSISTANCE of using lasers and old Atari sound effects in this supposed "sword & sandal" flick, I ask you? This is exactly the kind of bad movie that leaves people looking back on it years later and asking themselves, "what the hell was I thinking that I actually LIKED this garbage?".
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