|Copyright 1985 Royal Films
| Reviewed by Warren H.
on 22 November 2000
- Tom & Dick - Two morons who also happen to be the toughest men in the land.
- Hari - Tom's sister, her kidnapping spurs the quest.
- She - Wimpy goddess of a clan of female warriors.
- Shanda - She's right-hand woman.
- Hector - Second-in-command of the Norks, he leads most of their attacks.
- Kram - Leader of the desiccated Nukes; his arms tend to come off.
- Pretty Boy & Pretty Girl - leaders of the Beautiful People, they have a secret...
- Godan & Eva: "Man-god" leader of an S&M cult; Eva is his high priestess.
- Rabel & Rudolph: Rabel is a mad scientist and Rudolph is his cross-dressing lackey.
- Xenon: Guards the entrance to Nork City; he is a work of pure genius.
- The Norks: Guys in cool costumes who fight, eat large meals, and raid settlements for women
|Bear with me here folks, it's a wild ride. The year is 23 After the Cancellation. Tom, Dick, and Hari (get it?) steer their boat into port near a flea market to peddle their wares. Unfortunately, the Norks attack, slap people around, and wave plastic scythes. Hari is captured while Tom and Dick are beaten senseless. They awaken later to find themselves enslaved by the followers of She.
After much fighting, kidnapping, torture, and a run in with the Nukes, the fun really starts. Witness Tom and Dick eat meat and listen to bee-bop/techno music with the Beautiful People and then fend off attacks by Godan's glowing matte effect eyes. Listen to Shanda say "No! No! Ah! No! No!" for eight straight minutes while enduring the least effective torture ever devised.
After that, it's only logical they would be attacked by a fat guy in pink ballet outfit and stuffed in plastic bags right? We can't forget Xenon, of course. His technique is to annoy people into chopping off his arm, head, leg, whatever, which then grow into duplicates of himself! Pure genius, my friends, pure genius. And that's not all...
I apologize for the time frames below, the timer feature on my watch was acting screwy and some of the times may be a few minutes off.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Flea markets after the Apocalypse are even more cutthroat.
- Goddesses need not have any powers, just the title "Goddess."
- Goddesses have some wicked monthly cycles (you'll just have to watch the movie).
- Never trust a woman with pigs in her apartment.
- Be kind to radiation spawned mutants, their arms come off very easily.
- Being lightly slapped with a cat o' nine tails is unbearable.
- Don't chop up the annoying little guy guarding the bridge, no matter how much he gets on your nerves.
- Do, however, toss him into a mine field.
- Opening Credits - Neat
- 5 mins - I have no idea what's going on, but I love it.
- 7 mins - Ow! Harpooned in the knee. Now he's dragging her! Owowowowow!
- 9 mins - What?! They didn't die?
- 13 mins - This musical score is rather inappropriate.
- 14 mins - That must have hurt.
- 20 mins - She fighting a gladiator, a night, samurai, and now the Frankenstein monster. What the hell?
- 23 mins-RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 31 mins - A chainsaw fight, all right!
- 42 mins - Things are looking grim for our heroes.
- 45 mins - Something tells me this is a bad sign.
- 49 mins - Can they survive this horrible (cough) torture?
- 57 mins - An iron maiden kill! This movie has everything!
- 60 mins - Ouch. Bad acting, really bad.
- 79 mins - That was BRILLIANT! (Seriously!)
- 84 mins - That was also brilliant.
- 90 mins - He may be ruthless, but he's a good host.
- Shanda: "This doesn't make sense!"
She: "This has nothing to do with sense!"
- Pretty Boy: "Wonderful old world custom, dance, you should try it. More meat?"
- Godan: "How dare you? I am your god!"
Eva (shrieking): "You're a maaaaaaaan! And you betraaaaaaaayed us!" (more incoherent shrieking)
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||A worship service for She, this makes Mass look like a picnic.
||Taphir: "Our law is She, the goddess, who's your god?" |
Dick: "Our god? We don't have god, we do business."
||Kram: "Never trust a mutant, that's your motto isn't it?"
||Pretty Boy: "Your friend seems slightly over enthusiastic." |
Tom: "My friend's an asshole."
||Rabel: "You are a superior specimen, I might try some breeding experiments with you."
||Hector: "This is the life of the Norks: food, women, and war! Nothing better on the face of this Earth, now you have an opportunity to be a Nork."
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|At this point we have four copies of Xenon running wild and Tom still has not gotten the idea through his head that the annoying bastard is a hybrid made from Robin Williams, Steve Martin, and Planaria DNA.
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