NOWHERE
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| Rated R
| | 1997 Fine Line Features Inc.
| | Reviewed by Trevor Hallam
on 13 December 2001
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- Dark - Pathetic describes him pretty well. He's looking for true love in an untrue world.
- Mel - Dark's girlfriend. Lucifer's girlfriend. Actually, she's everybody's girlfriend.
- Montgomery - Nervous guy with two different colored eyes.
- Kriss & Kozy - These two ladies hate deviance of any kind. Ouch!
- Lucifer - She hates Dark because he's sleeping with her girlfriend. It's a sad love triangle with purple hair and crude insults.
- Zero - Mel's little brother. Trying to impress his girlfriend, Zoe.
- Zoe - "American Beauty" herself.
- Cowboy - Having troubles keeping his band together and his boyfriend, Bart, off drugs.
- Bart - Drug addict, sex addict. Puts his head in the oven.
- Alyssa - Hot valley girl obsessed with the Rapture.
- Hand Job - Local drug dealer/entrepreneur. Has a run-in with a can of Campbell's Soup.
- Egg - Insecure, bulimic valley girl. John Ritter convinces her to kill herself.
- Elvis - Tough guy. You got a problem with that?
- Roscoe The Alien - Friendly enough guy. Likes beer.
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Nowhere is writer/director Greg Araki's final installment in his self-proclaimed "Teen Apocalypse" trilogy. The story follows Dark, a wannabe filmmaker who is convinced he is going to die soon and wants to find true love before this "prenomination" occurs. Putting aside the fact that Dark cannot even pronounce the word premonition correctly, he starts to see the signs of his end. Subliminal messages written on park benches and beach towels, aliens with plastic lasers, and seventies icons preaching the word of God are just a few of the signs leading up to an unexpected and hilarious end.
Dark thinks he has found his true love in Mel, his hip, bisexual girlfriend. But Mel likes to get around and has no plans of settling down with either Dark, or her ultra-cool girlfriend, Lucifer. With all the groovy, sexy chicks in this movie, you'd think Dark would move on and get a piece of the action elsewhere. Instead, he becomes depressed and sets his sights on the mysterious Montgomery, who is a little Flock Of Seagulls and a little Marilyn Manson. When he gets nervous (which he is for most of the movie) he stutters and gets clumsy on his feet. He is abducted by space aliens during the greatly anticipated game of kick the can, but no big loss there.
Though everyone talks about going to school, no one ever does. Instead, they go home and have sex. Nothing wrong with that. Following a rape, two suicides, and four alien abductions, everyone ends up at a big party. Dark seems the least likely to attend after the day he's had, but nevertheless, his quest for true love continues. After a wild night, in which one person tries to drown himself, an alien raids the refrigerator, and the local drug dealer's head becomes one with a can of soup. Dark goes home and whines into his camera about how much his life sucks because he's getting laid a lot but can't hold a relationship (boo-hoo). Suddenly, the aliens return nervous Montgomery to Dark's bedroom window, naked. This whole scene is kind of scary because he and Dark sort of want the same thing in life, if you catch my drift, and they're both naked... ...yeah, I know. So Dark lends him a pair of underwear (I don't know about other guys, but I don't share my drawers with any man), then they lay in bed together and agree never to leave each other. I know what you're thinking, but trust me, the end makes up for it. You see, the aliens weren't expecting this little love bond either.
Nowhere shows us why we should never seek "true love," how to use foods more usefully, and what to do if we ever encounter a guy dressed in a rubber lizard suit. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Kick the can is a game everyone can play, . . on drugs.
- Baywatch idols are filthy rapists.
- All celebrities had to start somewhere.
- Aliens hate valley girls.
- Retainers are resistant to alien laser beams.
- Twins' psychic connection goes as far as getting horny when the other is having sex.
- Jack Tripper became a preacher.
- Dropping speed and playing kick the can is only going to get you killed by a space alien.
- Chocolate has many uses.
- Everyone in Los Angeles is a poet, photographer, and/or artist.
- Condensed soup can be used as a weapon.
- Aliens are on a very tight budget.
- Aliens will decide against taking over the planet after a brief visit to Los Angeles.
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- Opening Credits - If you can make it through this, you'll have no problem watching the rest of the movie.
- 5 mins - You'll go blind.
- 6 mins - Mother knows best.
- 7 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST - - oh, nope, never mind.
- 9 mins - Discussion of personal hygiene, followed by a cry for help.
- 12 mins - Alyssa fall down, go BOUNCE! (My tongue drops to the floor).
- 17 mins - That's something I could have done without seeing and hearing.
- 25 mins - Alien lizard takes care of Shannen Doherty, Traci Lords, and Rose McGowen in one ZAP!
- 30 mins - Spank it for the King, baby.
- 35 mins - Yank! Ouch! That hurts. Oh no, not the pliers!!!
- 40 mins - What does that have to do with anything???
- 45 mins - Chocolate never tasted so good.
- 50 mins - 1 - 800 - GO - JE$U$
- 55 mins - Are those guns rubber?
- 57 mins - What. Ever.
- 58 mins - It's the singer from Butthole Surfers.
- 70 mins - Mmmm, tomato soup. Ahh, that's not soup.
- End Credits - Wait for them to end.
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- Dark: "L.A. is like - nowhere."
- Dark's Mom: "You pump your handle too much, young man, it's gonna whither up and fall off!"
Dark: "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut UP!"
- Zero: "Are you wenches almost done in there? I gotta wiz like a busted firehose."
- Alyssa: "Hi, Montgomery. What're you doing here? Aren't you suppose to be in Thermal-nuclear Catastrophes class?"
- Alyssa: "Elvis, do you believe in God?"
Elvis: "I don't believe in anything."
Alyssa: "You have to believe in something."
Elvis: "No I don't. . . Tie me up."
- Elvis: "Spank my hot, tight, rock-hard ass!"
- Dark: "This party is about as much fun as an ingrown butt hair."
- Hand Job: "Kick my mom."
- Mutated Alien Bug: "I'm outta here."
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