THE LONELY LADY
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1983 Universal Pictures
| | Reviewed by Adam Eshack
on 'a long time ago' |
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- Jerilee Randall - Played by Pia Zadora. Sleeps with plenty of lowlife Hollywood celebrities to get her screenplay made into a movie.
- Walter Thornton - Older, famous Hollywood screenwriter with sexual problems who marries Jerilee and soon gets jealous of her when she switches one of his screenplays around.
- Veronica Randall - Jerilee's mother who becomes a drunk when she finds out her daughter has an affair with Walter.
- Guy Jackson - The only seemingly nice guy to Jerilee who wants to help her dreams come true, yet hooks her up with a producer who wants to sleep with her to get her screenplay made into a film.
- George Ballantine - A popular Hollywood actor who sleeps with Jerilee; gets her pregnant and dumps her.
- Vinny DaCosta - A hustling owner of the club "Kicks," who Jerilee sleeps with only because he promises Jerilee that he'll get her script into a movie, which he never does.
- Joe - This is "Goodfella" Ray Liottas debut performance, and I'm sure he hopes that no one ever sees this film and recognizes him in it; plays a drug addicted teenager who rapes Jerilee with a garden hose!
- George - Fat, sexist Hollywood producer who tries to get Jerilee in bed with him to get her screenplay made, but she refuses his offer.
- Joanna - Some ugly producer that Jerilee has to make out with to get her screenplay made into a movie.
- Gino and Carla Maria - Some scheming European couple who I don't understand the purpose for in the movie except for an excuse for more breasts and backstabbing on the screen; promise Pia they'll help her script turn into a movie and end up just looking for some sex.
- Bernie - Pia's boyfriend, the only guy who isn't quite a scumbag in the whole movie, but ditches her in the start.
- Bud - Some gay makeup artist who befriends Jerilee with a really bad taste in clothes.
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| This is the cult hit that gained a lot of fame by the razzies (if you don't know what a "razzie" is, its a company that is totally opposite of the academy awards), being best known as 'the original Showgirls.'" I'm sure this movie adaptation of Harold Robbins novel has him rolling in his grave, but it sure was a good film to poke fun at and I feel guilty to admit that I really like this movie in a guilty way. There are many unintentionally funny scenes throughout and the lovely Pia does a successful acting job on camp range, though I don't think this movie quite boosted her career or made her successful. Still, it would've been very interesting if she would have gotten her husband at the time, who was rumored to have paid a member of the golden globe association to have Pia win a golden globe for her lead role in the steamy 1981 film "Butterfly" (which the razzie gave her an award for), to pay one of the golden globe members to give her a golden globe for this bomb. Imagine the crowds surprised looks at the reader of the award and the crowd looking in disgust when she came up to accept the award. I'd be real happy for her though, I love Pia a lot after seeing this movie. Pia plays Jerilee, a rather older looking high school graduate with big dreams of becoming a famous screenwriter and looking for ways to get her screenplays in the movies. After being rescued from middle-aged screenwriter Walter, during a rape involving a garden hose, she ends up marrying and having unpleasant sex with him. Walter gets jealous of the attention she gets over him when her change in one of his screenplays winds up being popular with the film crew on the set of a movie and they split, leading Jerilee to go on a quest to get her screenplay made into a movie as she begins banging more and more sleazy Hollywood scum. The tastelessness of the movie, the cheesy dialogue, and the awful soundtrack may turn off some viewers (it obviously did for Stomp Tokyo and all mainstream critics), but those fans of sleazy, midnight b-films (I know I'm one) expecting trash will find a lot to enjoy in this, especially if you had a good time laughing at "Showgirls." I felt it was deserving of *** slimes for badness, but when the scene where Jerilee goes bonkers suddenly came up, being one of the funniest and overacted film moments ever, I upped the rating to **** slimes. This movie is one that's worth going on a long search for (like I did after reading some trashing on the film). Only objection is that after sitting through the sleaze, you're sure to get a strong urge to take a shower. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Oscars look like penises.
- Most men (and some women) in Hollywood are all creepy sleazebags who have a huge craving for sex with screenwriters.
- Close-ups of older men's hairy backs during sex isn't a pretty sight.
- Garden hoses can be used as a substitute for dildos.
- When writing up a death scene for a drama screenplay, make sure to use the words "Why!?" "Why!?" for strong results.
- When in a shower scene, an actor needs to make sure that all of his hair gets wet, and not leave half a portion dry, which results in a really ugly hairdo.
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- 1 min - Here's that painful title song.
- 3 mins - Hah, Jerilee writes by herself, why is the crowd bursting in laughter? Those damn editors!
- 4 mins - The way these kids dance hints this movie's age.
- 8 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 12 mins - The ridiculous garden hose rape scene, obvious excuse of what this scene is for.
- 23 mins - Oh no, a sex scene between ol' Walter and Jerilee.
- 28 mins - Please, another sex scene between the two, I think I'm getting sick now.
- 34 mins - Jerilee's "incredible" script change. "Why!? Why!?"
- 40 mins - By Pia's blank expression, either she didn't get Walter's mean insult or she just missed what he said.
- 42 mins - This scrub needs to button up his shirt.
- 44 mins - George's embarrassing, half-mounted hairdo in the shower.
- 61 mins - Is that a guy or a woman that Pia's meeting?
- 65 mins - Here's some more wild, trippy sex, just so that we can be reminded what the excuse of this movie being made was for.
- 71 mins - SOME MORE RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREASTS...
- 72 mins - Pias famous psycho scene!!!!!
- 76 mins - Guy's silly motivations for Jerilee to snap out of it.
- 88 mins - The movies over, finally... ...not that DAMN song again.
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- Old Lady at Academy Awards: "Why don't you get me a dress like that?"
Old Man at Academy Awards: "Why don't you look like that?"
- Jerilee: "I don't suppose I'm the only one who's had to f*ck her way to the top!"
- Bud: "Hope you can spell, darling?"
Jerilee: "D-A-R-L-I-N-G."
- Guy: "So this is it?"
Jerilee: "Great line Guy, remind me to use it sometime."
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