| Copyright 1981 Universal City Studios, Inc.
| Reviewed by Matt Steenburg
on 'a long time ago'|
- Amy Harper - The virgin and in turn the heroine of our story. By the end she is close to loosing her mind. But she doesn't and lives to fight another day. Just once I would like to see the virgin die.
- Joey Harper - Stupid little kid who follows his big sister to the carnival. Absolutely no reason for being in this movie except for the fact that he trips on a couple bums and gets freaked out by the fun house multiple times
- Mr. and Mrs. Harper - Really bad actors who just play standard parent rolls. They warn the daughter against going to the circus.
- Buzz - Jock type that Amy is on her first date with. Stands up for his women and gets killed for it.
- Richie - Geek type who comes up with the whole idea of staying in the fun house over night. Dies for his stupidity.
- Liz - Richie's little girlfriend. Ends up offering herself to the monster so the monster will let her live. Which is never a good idea, even if it is a horny monster. Killed for her stupidity.
- The Monster - Accidentally kills his hooker while the 4 teens watch and that is when the madness begins. Gets electrocuted and pulled through some gears in the end.
- The Father - Master to the monster, a backwoods/carnival guy. He aggravates the monster to kill the teens. Gets a poll pushed through him and lives a good deal longer after that, but in the end it is hard to live with a 1 inch hole punched through your stomach.
- Misc. Bums - Only there to be tripped over and to give warning about the wrath of God. A failed attempt at trying to give this film a moral basis.
| While out on a double date at the circus one of the guys thinks it would be fun to stay all night in the funhouse at the carnival. Shortly after entering the funhouse they are witness to a creature killing one of the carnival folk who he paid for... ...uh, um pleasure. They go searching for an exit, and of course when they find it, it's locked! While Buzz is trying to bust down the door Richie goes to check if the woman is really dead. While doing so decides it's a good idea to steal the killer's money. When the father comes in and find his money gone he sics the monster onto the teens and murder ensues. One person survives this whole ordeal and, big surprise, it's Amy. The Virgin. This movie was badly lit and extremely slow. (The movie is almost an hour in before anybody dies.) All I can say is I learned a lot from this movie.|
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Bad acting does not double as concern.
- 8 year olds are very proficient at sneaking from their homes.
- Crazy preacher women hang out in bathrooms.
- Sounds in the night are very similar to the sound of a cheap laser beam.
- Hicks enjoy threatening children with guns
- "Alive" never ever means alive (as in walking and breathing) at a circus.
- Circus announcers are even more freaky when speaking in monotone.
- Circuses come with standard games, animals freak shows, and strip clubs.
- All circus folk drink... ...heavily.
- Circus psychics aren't used to being heckled and get extremely pissy when they are.
- Never trust a circus announcer, when they say "world of terror" the really mean tunnel of crap.
- Circus grounds are the equivalent to a hotel for bums.
- Stupid people come up with even stupider ideas.
- Monsters pay for sex, and actually get it.
- No matter how small a building looks on the outside it will always be 10 times that size inside.
- Hicks always like beastiality jokes best.
- Circus folk take an incredibly long time to think up simple plans.
- It's not common knowledge that yelling into a fan does not work.
- Circus folk will save a hideous freak, but beyond that have no care for human life.
- Small carnival rides have large engine rooms.
- Fuse boxes are left open for the convenience of anybody looking to kill.
- 4 mins - This is a lame attempt at creating a reason for a nude shower scene.
- 10 mins - These two are having a fight on their first date?
- 14 mins - Is it just me or are there always big scary dogs behind fences at night in these movies?
- 17 mins - She just called a guy a pistol. What kind of slang is that?
- 18 mins - This guy just pulled a gun on a helpless kid, and I thought I was sadistic.
- 20 mins - An animal freak show.
- 22 mins - Am I seeing right or is that a strip club at a circus?
- 38 mins - Funhouse props waving gang signs!
- 40 mins - Hey, they finally entered the funhouse.
- 58 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SHELF!!
- 59 mins - The monster finally unmasked. Only 36 minutes to start this story.
- 70 mins - The first teen is killed. Wait a sec. the monster had nothing to do with that death.
- 85 mins - Watch the monster bust through the door, looked like paper to me.
- 91 mins - Ouch, being pulled through gears must suck.
- 94 mins - Credits, imagine my joy.
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