|BIOHAZARD: THE ALIEN FORCE
|Copyright 1995 American-Independent Productions Inc.
| Reviewed by Max Gardner
on 'a long time ago'|
- Reardon - Former head of security for Triton, Inc. Tissue donor for Project Lucy (that's what it's called).
- Nicki - Female reporter. Inexplicably attracted to Reardon.
- Brady - President of Triton, Inc. Head of Project Lucy. Killed in helicopter crash.
- Quint - Hitman and head of security for Triton, Inc. Killed by burning helicopter shrapnel.
- Lynch - Tissue donor and former researcher for Triton. Electrocutes himself.
- Shana Garrity - Tissue donor and hotty.
- Warren and Morley - Keystone Kops, more or less. Both killed by Quint.
- Philips - Brady's female assistant. Electrocuted. (I have to add in here that she has more muscles in her mouth than a porn star. That and her grimace is a perfect trapezoid.)
- Palmer - Tissue donor and only remaining compatible mate for the Bio-Monster.
- Ryan - Palmer's son. Kidnapped by Quint.
- Claude Jeffries - Crazy old war vet. Tissue donor. Killed by the Bio-Monster.
- Anne Tyrell - Tissue donor. Used as bait to lure the Bio-Monster out of hiding. The scriptwriter sort of...forgot about her. Fate therefore unknown.
- Nerd in Pub - Fodder.
- Biohazard - The alien force, apparently. Actually it's listed in the credits as The Bio-Monster. Electrocuted.
| This is nothing we haven't seen before and better. I gave this one slime because the first ten minutes aren't half bad, but not even breasts can save this movie. Triton, Inc., an evil corporation whose purpose is never exactly explained. All we know is that they've been trying to create the next stage in human evolution. Naturally, this is a big monster that looks a little like a gorilla with scales. It escapes and begins hunting down the tissue donors who made its existence possible, draining their spinal fluids and searching for a suitable mate. Yadda yadda yadda. What starts off a potential classic doesn't measure up in the end. Ah well, there's always Women's Prison Massacre...|
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- A rocket launcher does little to slow down a car.
- Throwing a box of computer diskettes into someone's face will temporarily blind them.
- Cops investigating domestic disputes wear suits and ties.
- Any cafe/restaurant/coffee house is inevitably called "Michael's," for want of a better name.
- Nothing brings in the customers like a sign that says "We Sell MILK."
- Truck beds are highly flammable.
- Tracking devices look a bit like a cellular phone glued onto a Speak 'n' Spell.
- 1 min - Computer-generated title, looks like we've got a winner here.
- 8 mins - Nobody notices a gunshot and two exploding cars?
- 19 mins - Ah, that's where everybody went, the pub...
- 25 mins - Brady was looking for high IQ's? Why the hell'd he pick Reardon?
- 30 mins - GAH! Reardon, put your shirt on, PLEASE!
- 31 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 49 mins - Did Brady just say "foodful" or "fruitful?"
- 57 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 62 mins - Nooo, don't kill the hotty! Ah, thank you.
- 66 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 69 mins - Why did the back of the truck explode when the front of it hit a tree?
- 84 mins - Hey, they're preserving her for freshness!
- 86 mins - Woah, Lynch just copped a feel on Palmer!
- 87 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CRATE!
- 91 mins - Ah, the Male Model was played by "K.K." Make room on the shelf for that Oscar.
- 91 mins - James Mills played the Bio-Monster, but Christopher Ray was the Special Guest Bio-Monster.
- Nicki: "I'll fix the drinks."
Reardon: "Make that a lot of drinks."
- Reardon: "He's an asshole!"
- Warren: "Do you have that damned light still going, so everyone knows that we're here?"
- Warren: "I want some explanations. NOW." (Sees dead Jeffries.) "Make that a lot of explaining."
- Reardon: "So it's gonna f*ck us or suck us. Some superior being."
- Reardon: "It's more horny than hungry then, huh?"
- Ryan: "Can we go swimming?"
Palmer: "Not today honey, we have an important meeting with a man."
- Brady: "Are you crazy, don't die there!"
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Philips: "Lucy was the name given to the earliest form of man. Since the project was designed to create a new species, Dr. Brady felt the acronym was appropriate. Now what the f**k are you doing here?"
||Quint: "I've got a mutant to catch and a list of lab subjects to kill."
||Security Guy: There's enough tranquilizer in these darts to stop a bull elephant." |
Quint: "He can smell you boys, be careful."
||Brady: "It isn't easy to kill 300,000 men in four days. You've gotta be creative!"
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Heck, I do not know what is going on here and I have watched the movie.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |