|WEASELS RIP MY FLESH
|Copyright 1979 Rodent Films
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 4 May 2007
- Cameron - Why would any director go through the trouble of establishing a character as cool, then show him talking on the phone with shaving cream all over his face?
- Det. Anderson - Cameron's partner who is turned into a mutant and then immolated when the fire from the laboratory bursts through to the surface. At least, that is what I think happened. Another interpretation is that he was teleported to the Eighth Circle of Hell and consumed by flames.
- Fred and Jake - This is what happens when you do not pay attention in Biology. Your friend gets contaminated with alien rabies and strangles you to death. Pay attention in class.
- Two Boys - They inadvertently create the titular aberration of nature and are killed by it.
- Dr. Sendam - I know what you are thinking: that he looks like Ron Jeremy and has similar acting ability. I was thinking that, too. Loses his left arm to the weasel and his right arm to a shark. Dies.
- The Weasel - This rabid creature was mutated by slime from the planet Venus and is nearly indestructible. Ripped apart by Anderson (after he mutates).
|This was a painful surprise that I brought upon myself by purchasing a movie based on its title. It is a grade Z film, obviously made by a small group of people with little preparation and limited equipment. If I had to guess, it was shot on 8mm film. I usually do not harp on picture quality, but this film deserves it. It is of lower quality than many amateur films that were shot on VHS or other formats intended to record grainy images of birthday parties, graduations, or school sporting events. Focus was often a problem, and the composition of some scenes was impossible to understand. I must have spent a full minute watching a ringing telephone.
The story starts with a model rocket on Venus, though we do not find out it was Venus until thirty minutes later. Using what looks like a cosmetic tool (the sort of thing women use to tease their eyelashes, I think), the rocket collects a sample of clear slime. Later they use slime that resembles lemon pie filling and, as a gooey slime effect, it is not a bad attempt. Probably the best thing they did with the whole film. They know this, because they use it more than once.
The rocket crashes upon its return to Earth. This is achieved, I kid you not, by a short cut with someone moving the rocket around as they pitch the camera towards some water with reeds. As I have said about the movie, it is very poorly done. This applies to nearly everything about the film.
Two boys find some canisters from the wreckage while exploring a reedy area. One of the boys is suddenly bitten on the ankle, apparently by a rabid weasel that quickly scampers down a hole and falls asleep. Not one to let a mean animal go unpunished, the older boy uncaps a canister and pours the contents into the hole. What results is a huge mutated weasel. At least, that is what it is supposed to be. What it looks like is a stuffed animal that has been deep fried (or maybe covered with funnel cake mixture). It kills both of the boys before being struck by Fred's car and losing a limb. Fred wraps the severed appendage in a white fitted sheet he had in his trunk. Do a lot of people keep white fitted sheets in their trunk?
Once Fred gets back to his house, he carefully trims a sample off of the weasel leg with a pair of hedge trimmers and plops it into a glass jar. The limb is supposed to be a living thing, though it appears to be real imitation vinyl stuffed with spare pot roast. It disappears off of the counter and hides under the table before Fred's friend, Jake, arrives. Instead of looking for the missing hunk of dead animal, the pair sit down at the table. The leg attacks Jake and gives him rabies. The instantly rabid man strangles Fred.
Now, complete change. Nothing that you have seen before this has any bearing to the rest of the film, except that there is a mutated weasel. We meet Inspector Cameron. He is very cool, based on his moustache, sunglasses, and constant small cigar smoking. In the course of a murder investigation, Cameron and his partner are captured by Dr. Sendam. He takes them to his lab, which is accessed by climbing in through a basement window. From here on, most of the movie will take place in the basement or garage. You can see the garage door opener rails in at least one scene.
Mr. Mad Scientist captured the weasel and wants to utilize its regenerative powers to create a serum for eternal life. Actually, that is what I figure. He does ramble on for a while, but what I just told you offers a far more cohesive picture than what comes out on the screen. He also claims to have somehow engineered the failure that led to the rocket crashing upon its return to Earth. Anyway, the doctor drugs both of his captives and injects Anderson with blood from the weasel. Meanwhile, our protagonist wakes up and burns the ropes off of his wrists with a cigar (he is also bound with chain from a hanging plant pot, but that appears to be ineffective). After getting free, he encounters Dr. Sendam and is struck in the face with the business end of a garden rake. Not to worry, it barely scratches him. The evil doctor is shot in return and stumbles back to the lab.
Pretty soon, both the mutated partner (his head looks like it was covered in funnel cake) and the weasel are loose. Dr. Ron Jeremy loses an arm to the weasel. He stumbles off into the reeds with the detective in pursuit. The missing arm is accomplished by tucking it into his shirt. Now, the shirt was a button down the front type and rather tight. As a result, you can see the arm through the bulging area around his midriff. Is anybody even trying to make this into a movie?
Eventually, the weasel attacks Cameron, but he is saved by his mutated partner. Mutant Detective Anderson tears the front limbs off of the weasel and it dies. This flies in the face of everything that Dr. Sendam told us about the creature, because he claimed you could cut it up into pieces and each would grow into a complete monster. So why would...wait, why I am I trying to make sense out of this? Of all the lost causes. These people make an atrocious mess and I start trying to reason my way through it. No way buddy, especially because Dr. Sendam wades out into the water for no obvious reason and has his other arm chewed off by a shark that comes out of nowhere.
I am almost certain that most of the film was made along the southern shore of Long Island, possibly Jones Beach, and at somebody's house (from what I caught in the credits, maybe in Baldwin, NY). I cannot imagine that it took them more than a week, including making the props and performing the limited editing. It ran sixty-four minutes and, I have to tell you, after six minutes, I was unhappy and bored. I forced myself to watch the entire thing, which is one of the dumbest things I have done in a long time.
Rent it if you are interested, but the effects and movie are terrible. It is on par with many student films. Ultra-low budget films I have reviewed, such as "Jacker II" and "The Curse of Count Chocula," are more worthwhile efforts. It is barely something I can call a movie. The best part is probably the music and a couple of the sound effects. I know for a fact that they took those from at least one other film, namely The Horror of Party Beach. (I think another sound clip might be from "Them!") It is doubtful that they had permission to use the material.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- NASA space probes are equipped with rakes.
- Sand weasels are indigenous to Long Island.
- Venus is covered with lemon pie filling.
- Shaving cream is produced by pasteurizing the frothy saliva of rabid animals.
- Being choked to death may cause nausea.
- The Nassau County police department has not purchased revolvers since 1875.
- The .45 Long Colt cartridge is filled with buckshot.
- Sharks blow bubbles prior to attacking.
- Opening Narration - Like those who watch this movie?
- 7 mins - Even the trees look no-budget...
- 12 mins - Is it a weasel or a squid?
- 18 mins - Notice that he is now wearing two gloves.
- 23 mins - Whose arm is that? I mean, it cannot be Fred or Jake, because the shirt is completely different.
- 25 mins - I...am...watching...crap.
- 28 mins - Thrill as a car pulls into the driveway, backs up, and then goes the other way down the street.
- 38 mins - Arrgggghhh! Make it stop!
- 42 mins - The presence of this girl is never explained and, no, I don't care.
- 50 mins - Why would a meat skewer be hanging on the wall in a laboratory?
- Reporter: "And strangely enough, this is right near where the National space rocket crashed into the ocean on its return trip from the planet Venus. Units are still searching the waters for the highly radioactive specimens picked up from the planet's surface."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Narrator: "Some people wish they were never born, others kill others out of hatred or madness, and then there is the meat..."
||Boy: "Yeah, I might open it." |
Other Boy: "Ah! F**k!"
Boy: "What happened?"
Other Boy: "Something just bit me in the leg."
||Fred: "Hello police? Yes, I'd like to report an injury and some very, very strange goings-on here. I just don't know how to explain it. Can you just send somebody over right away?"
||Dr. Sendam: "I think you gentlemen might appreciate a good, stiff drink." |
Anderson: "I should say so."
Cameron: "Where in Hell did that creature come from?"
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|The weasel breaks out of its glass prison and attacks Dr. Sendam. Exhibited here are some of the film's best special effects.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |