Warrior of the Lost World B-Movie Review

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WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD - 3 Slimes

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 3 July 2006

The Characters:

The Warrior of the Lost World - Talk about having a hero forced upon you. What I cannot get past is the scruffy beard he sports. The lower half of his face looks like a dog's testicles.
Einstein - Just great, a talking bike. And, joy of joys, someone programmed it with stuff like "TUBULAR" and "BAD MOTHERS."
Nastasia - Tough woman who has a secret cache of eyeliner.
McWayne - Nastasia's father and leader of the resistance movement.
The New Way - An odd collection of mystics and jolly good resistance fighters.
The Marginals - A ragtag assortment of people who are members of various gangs.
Unnamed New Way Officer - Fred Williamson! His appearances are randomly generated, just like his allegiance.
Prossor - Donald Pleasence! Simple gray outfit, black glove, bald head...holy cow, Mike Myers watched this movie!
The Omega Forces - Hundreds of black-clad stormtroopers with little or no tactical training.

The Plot:

This movie begins with what could possibly be the longest and most involved background story scroll ever. It miserably fails in trying to illuminate the audience, instead becoming something that causes consternation and doubt. Mostly doubt that you should continue watching, but I definitely recommend you do just that. This is one of those films that is great to watch with some clever friends.

Okay, so the background is that World War III finally happened. From the ashes of civilization a new society has arisen. It is a totalitarian regime ruled by PROSSOR and his OMEGA government. Opposing the loss of individuality is THE NEW WAY, led by MCWAYNE (with his crack team of Nepalese mystics). On the fringe of all this are MARGINALS, largely abandoned children who have organized themselves into gangs befitting "The Warriors." Last, but not least, is the man destined to become THE WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD and his intelligent, supersonic motorcycle.

Did you get all that? Imagine trying to digest that mess as it scrolls up the screen. The fact that many of the paragraphs are single, run-on sentences hardly helps.

The first time we see the Warrior (never caught his name), he is racing down a deserted road. He passes an Omega speed trap, triggering a pursuit by the enforcer's car and two motorcycles. All of the bikes are armed with nose-mounted machineguns, while Einstein can also fire missiles from his exhaust pipes. What Einstein does best is annoy everyone. The bike has a small computer screen that, in addition to a starfield screensaver, displays text messages that are repeated in a tinny voice. Rather irritating, if you ask me.

Can he avoid capture? You are talking about the Warrior of the Lost World here! Of course he does, blowing away the other motorcycles and even avoiding a stormtrooper roadblock. Astride his magnificent speedcycle, our hero crosses paths with several gangs. He earns more wounds, one of them a crossbow bolt embedded in his thigh. When the going gets tough (among the junked cars that someone scattered across a newly mown field), he draws a pair of chrome .45's. Those babies do the trick and he wins through the final ambush. The Warrior is so distracted by surviving that he does not pay attention to where he is driving and runs into a rock wall. Ka-boom.

Does it strike anyone else as funny that the evil government expends so much effort to enforce the speed limit? The areas are obviously not provinces full of working citizens. Who gives a spit about some idiot going too fast?

The explosive collision with the cliff face does not kill the protagonist, nor destroy his speedbike. New Way mystics heal the Warrior's numerous wounds, while the motorcycle is just apparently okay. Maybe the explosion was an illusion. I do not know; the film never answers that question, and you probably do not care. We will move on. What follows is Nastasia explaining that her father has been captured by the Omegas and will be executed unless they rescue him. You have to understand that the mystics identified the Warrior as being vital to the rescue succeeding. Not surprising, considering his name. Nastasia also provides some motivation by threatening to shoot him in the balls (I mean his testicles). The pair light torches and navigate an underground cave system full of spiders, snakes, and slimy mutants. In one great scene they hide from the mutants behind a rock pillar. Why is it so great? The pillar is about two feet in diameter. Not only do their bodies stick out on either side, but the torches do too! Hehehe!

Once they reach the Omega city, Nastasia warns Mr. Fuzzy Face not to show emotion or he will give them away as intruders. What? Are the people actually alien pod monsters, as in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers?" If so, who cares about their political structure? Grab a bunch of roundup and get you some. If not, those replicating pods will probably keep you up all night with their coughing.

An impressive number of submachinegun carrying guards populate Omegaville. From what I can tell, roughly 20% of the population is involved in security. This does not stop Nastasia from entering some sort of processing facility and accessing the main computer via a pipe. Not a conduit, but a pipe obviously intended to carry fluid or gas. Strange, but I digress. The speak and spell interface tells her where McWayne will be put to death. Executions are, of course, public. The condemned are fastened to three stanchions at the corners of a triangular platform (the Omegas are big on triangles). As best I can guess, high voltage is then applied to the platform. Then, get this, some guard carrying a flamethrower comes out and roasts the dead bodies! For the love of God, why? Plus, I want to know whose job it is to scrape the platform clean after every execution.

When McWayne is brought out for his roasting and toasting, the rescue goes into action. This consists of Nastasia and the Warrior taking out the guards, then trading M3A1 grease gun fire with dozens of stormtroopers who respond. Only the three good guys (Warrior, Nastasia, and McWayne) can hit anything with the submachine guns. They slaughter thirty or forty Omega troopers, sometimes exchanging fire at less than ten yards, and get away without even a scratch. I do not know how this could have happened. Maybe the only three firearms loaded with live ammunition were those that the heroes grabbed. Due to a horrible mix-up, everyone else was shooting blanks. That could be the reason.

Extraction from the Omega city is accomplished via a handy helicopter. It even has a recoilless rifle lying in the back, because that is standard procedure for evil empires. McWayne uses it to destroy the Omega crop-dusting helicopter chasing them, though he should have caused some grief inside his own aircraft from the backblast. Oh, and Nastasia was left behind and captured. She was wounded in the leg, but lying right next to the helicopter. I do not know about you, but I would have dragged my happy ass aboard somehow.

McWayne decides that the time is ripe to overthrow Prossor. Of course, once that the Warrior of the Lost World is fighting for you, success is guaranteed. I mean, the movie is named after him; it is a safe bet your side will win. They locate the Marginals, who are enjoying a battle royal that earns bragging rights for the winning gang. The Warrior jumps in and kicks butt, probably on account of the icky feeling anyone gets by punching him in the face. He also, in a moment of pure joy for me, grabs a random midget spectator and chucks the little guy at another fighter. The dwarf projectile lays the unfortunate Marginal out flat. The midget clambers off the vanquished opponent, jumps back on top a nearby vehicle, and screams out, "Yeaaaayyyy!"

Having won the match and the loyalty of the Marginals, the Warrior leads them in a daring attack on the Omega fortress. This means they drive down the highway, trading fire with Omega vehicles and trying to run them off the road. The sequence is completely insane. In addition to vehicles exploding when they go off the road, as if Spy Hunter was based on reality, at one point a hapless Omega runs into a stack of drums full of flammable materials. Who put those barrels there and why?

The successful assault is suddenly halted by a giant armored dump truck. All of the rebel vehicles stop to gawk at the thing. It has a spiked ram and a flamethrower on the front. The Warrior asks Einstein, "What the heck is that?" and receives a reply of, "Megaweapon." The motorcycle estimates that it would take a forty megaton bomb to destroy the Omega secret weapon. A nuclear bomb? It would take an atomic weapon to stop an armored dump truck? What I want to know is why the Warrior and his followers do not just drive around it (besides the fact that going off the road causes vehicles to explode). Flamethrowers do not have very much range. Now, if Megaweapon had been a tank, things might have been different. You still do not need a nuclear weapon to dispatch a tank.

The Warrior of the Lost World assaults Megaweapon head-on. He races up at full throttle and lays the bike down, skidding underneath the huge dump truck. It is moving so slow that he could have just walked under it. I am not complaining, because the maneuver causes Einstein to be crushed under the massive wheels. Ah, the sweet sound of electronic agony. Anyway, he then pulls open a panel and rips out some important wires. Megaweapon rolls off the road and, you guessed it, explodes. With their last obstacle removed, the freedom fighters reach Omegaville. The resulting battle is anticlimactic; the idiot stormtroopers still appear to be firing blanks. A brief standoff does occur when they find Prossor. Dr. Evil's mentor spent his free time brainwashing Nastasia. She starts shooting at the Warrior and her father, but finally manages to break the conditioning. Prossor takes a few rounds to the head and chest.

All that is left is an awkward scene with Nastasia, the Warrior, and the rebuilt Einstein. Oh, and us learning that what they killed was not Prossor, but an android. Apparently, everything is going according to plan for the evil mastermind. I guess his plan involved being overthrown...

On a last note, I love the "shake the gun" style of special effect for characters firing the grease guns. Even more fun when the person doing it is Fred Williamson.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

After the apocalypse, highways will be clear of trash and unmarred by potholes.
x86 motorcycles are not smart enough to avoid running into cliffs.
Flashlights accelerate the healing process.
Tarantulas contain miniature FM radio receivers.
Car fenders are not intended prevent damage, but to ensure that you kill what you run into.
Nothing is more frightening than a dead end assembly line job.
Tiger fist style is no match for van door.
Corrugated tin is bulletproof.
Any car that goes off the road will instantly explode, because highways are bordered by minefields.
Always use tamper-proof screws on your secret dump truck battlewagon.

Stuff To Watch For:

Opening Credits - Damn, when I have to hit pause to read the story, things are not good.
5 mins - You are already going subsonic! Somebody walking is going subsonic, for crying out loud.
6 mins - I see that Ford is still building police cars...
16 mins - Nastasia knows how to get a man's attention.
21 mins - Is the fear of dripping nuclear mutants a common phobia?
25 mins - There is a joke here. I just know it.
32 mins - Why do I suddenly have the urge to play Castle Wolfenstein?
65 mins - The motorcycle could not avoid running into a rock wall earlier, but it was programmed to feel pain. Who designed this thing?
69 mins - What this does not show is that half of the good guy casualties were from friendly fire.
77 mins - Nastasia has terrible trigger finger position. I am surprised that she hit him.
78 mins - This is where the script says: Camera slowly pans over the entire cast.
Ending Credits - Two guys played the entire Omega Gestapo? Really?

Quotes:

Prossor Recording: "Work is everyone's freedom. Work must be neat and efficient. Food and entertainment are provided. Silence is its own reward. Obey the laws and obligations. We are very well today, thank you."

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	warriorlost1.wav	Fred Williamson: "You been chosen. Like Arthur being able to pull Excalibur out of the rock."
	warriorlost2.wav	Mystic: "Monsters like Prossor must be stopped and, if Nastasia's father is lost, I am afraid the New Way will be permanently damaged." The Warrior: "You're not listening to me. The only damage I care about is this bike."
	warriorlost3.wav	The Warrior: "What the hell is that thing?" Einstein: "Megaweapon, megaweapon, megaweapon." The Warrior: "What does it take to knock it out?" Einstein: "Forty megatons, forty megatons, forty megatons."
	warriorlost4.wav	Prossor and McWayne have a short conversation about politics.
	Theme Song	Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	warriorlost1.mpg - 2.7m
	The Warrior and Einstein are being chased by Prossor's police forces. It appears that the penalty for speeding is now death. Unfortunately, for the police, Einstein is armed with rear-firing rockets.