Uninvited B-Movie Review

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UNINVITED - 4 Slimes

Rated PG-13

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 11 January 2010 (updated)

The Characters:

Martin - Check it out, a smart, woolly college student. When was the last time that happened: 1890?
Rachel - Martin is in luck. She is an experienced yacht captain, and she just loves fuzzy biology students.
Mr. Graham - A crooked investor fleeing to the Caymans. Killed by a cat that he never wanted aboard his boat in the first place.
Mr. Harvey - George Kennedy! If you ever wanted to hear George, the patron saint of fresh breath, tell someone to "Stop being such a pussy!" then this is your film. If you ever wanted to see George pop like a swollen tick, then this is definitely your film.
Albert - The spastic, scrawny, alcoholic hit man for Graham who gets nauseous whenever he kills someone. Oh, and his dentures are too big. Drowns or dies of cat poisoning.
Suzanne - The shallow blonde bimbo who chokes to death on a corn flake.
Bobbie - She has curly hair and jumps off the yacht because her new boyfriend jumps off the yacht. Not exactly a leader, that girl. More of a follower.
Lance - Nice hat.
Corey - He idolizes crooked investors. How often have you seen a male Wall Street groupie?
The Uninvited - A mutant cat-thing that hides inside of a regular house cat, and is so poisonous that being scratched by it causes people to immediately die from high blood pressure.

The Plot:

File this film under my guilty pleasures, in between MXC and watching a jerk driver hit a pothole that completely blows out their tire (which happened on 11 December 2009, thank you for answering that prayer, God). The reason I love this movie is that it is a terrible, awful, unforgivably bad monster flick. You have your bread and butter, other people have their bagels and cream cheese, and I have my bad monster movies. It's a whole circle of life sort of deal.

The reason you should watch this movie is that it is about a killer mutant cat monster that hides inside a normal house cat. When the host cat is threatened or upset, the giant (it's about the size of a Rottweiler) mutant cat climbs out of the house cat's mouth, kills the offending person(s), and then climbs back into its house cat shell. The host kitty is not especially large, so the size of what is living inside it is surprising to everyone except the parents of young children.

Have you ever seen a kid throw up? It's like it never ends. Where were they keeping all of that mess in their little bodies?

In case you are wondering, my wife does not deal well with vomit. We have three children. About once a year we deal with some sort of stomach flu in our house. To be precise, Daddy (that's me) gets to deal with it. From what I can tell, approximately one-eighth of a little girl's weight is not body mass, but the mulched contents of her stomach. My daughter weighs forty-eight pounds. You do the math.

The first thing that happens in this film is that a pair of scientists tries to operate on an uncooperative cat. Rather than being sliced open, the furry freak of nature escapes. A contamination team chases after it, but when one of the silver-suited men tries to grab the cat, it kills him. Then the head scientist plays a game of cat-and-mouse with the creature, until it kills him and escapes from the building's parking garage. Once free, the cat does what most felines do: it looks for a human willing to give it a bowl of milk. Well, the first sucker who feeds the cat also gets beat up by a pair of men in a pickup truck who drive off laughing after pummeling the unfortunate kitty-lover. The cat does not take kindly to the goons stomping on its benefactor. As the truck speeds off, the mutant animal jumps into the back. What follows is magnificent. Somebody with a rug-like monster puppet on their hand shoves it through the truck's rear window and kills the driver. Then a different truck rolls down a hill to the sound of glass breaking over and over, and over and over, and over...

Whatever is inside of that house cat is not a cat. Have you ever seen a cat that cared one bit if its owner was getting beat up? That sounds more like a dog to me. No wonder the mutant thing is so angry. What self-respecting dog could handle being cooped up inside of a cat all day long?

On the other side of town, twin bimbos Bobbie and Suzanne are saved from sleeping on the beach by the kindness of Mr. Graham. The rich investor invites them to his yacht for a party. You know that rich investors love bimbos on spring break, and vice versa, don't you? If you didn't, you do now. The next day, the girls meet Lance, Corey, and Martin at the marina. They invite the trio of male college students to Graham's boat.
Are Bobbie and Suzanne out of their minds? Graham is hooking them up with swanky accommodations so that he can get swanky with them. That can't happen if the girls are getting swanky with Lance and Corey. Girls, take it from me: sugar daddies do not like it when their sweet treats bring along boy toys to the swap meet.

Before he can put the male freeloaders ashore, Graham is forced to flee the marina for the Caymans (during the '80s the SEC put crooks in jail, there was none of this bailout nonsense) with the college students all aboard. Also included on the passenger list is one cute kitty, with a surprise hidden inside. Thanks Suzanne, for picking up a stray cat that is likely to be the death of everybody.

During their first night at sea, Albert gets really drunk at the wheel. Rachel relieves the sauced pseudo-seaman, but not before his drunkenness takes the yacht well off its charted course. Well, Albert never has to face the music or the hangover for his actions. He makes the mistake of messing with the cat. It kills him.

Let me tell you something about the history of sailors and liquor. First, man invented alcohol so he could get drunk and sail, unafraid, into the unknown. Then he invented the sextant, so that he could figure out where he was the next morning.

I'm full of insights. Come back tomorrow to see what else falls out of my brain.

Two things dramatically change the atmosphere of the cruise to the tax-shelter haven of the Cayman Islands. The first is that the cat monster damages part of the engine, leaving the yacht dead in the water. The second is that Graham tries to force the issue of tit-for-tat with Bobbie. During the resulting fracas, Lance is shot in the arm, the radio is destroyed, a fire extinguisher is used as a weapon, and the cat attacks Harvey! The deadly grimalkin mutant easily chews through the man's bowling shoe and infects him with a bad case of bubbling flesh pustules. Remember what happened to Gizmo when water got on him? That is exactly what happens to George Kennedy, except that the bubbles do not pop off and turn into mean little George Kennedys.

Now THAT would be an awesome movie! Imagine if the yacht was suddenly overrun by malevolent George Kennedy midgets. I'd go see that movie in the theater, at least five times. I haven't done that since "Return of the Jedi." Besides the Ewoks and Endor nonsense, "Return" is pretty darn tight.

Left adrift without any way to call for help and a mutant cat monster loose on the ship, the remaining humans make the best of it. They lock up the food, and Martin and Rachel try to fix the engine. Trying to keep the cat away from the food is a good idea in some ways, but bad in others. It makes the only food on board the kind with two legs and two arms, and a darn ugly hat. Yep, the cat gnaws on Lance. He jumps overboard before the flesh bubbles can kill him. Bobbie falls off the ship at the same time. Then that darn cat gets into the food anyway, contaminating everything with whatever poison it carries. Now the people are depressed and hungry.

I am depressed and hungry. Watching people starve to death is tedious.

So, how many are left? Five. Martin, Rachel, Graham, Corey, and Suzanne. Scratch that, Corey tries to shoot the cat and only succeeds in fatally scalding himself; while Suzanne eats contaminated breakfast cereal and dies (that's Darwinism for you). Oh, and Corey also manages to shoot a hole in the hull during his ill-fated foray against the monster. The hole does not immediately matter, but after a while the yacht suddenly sinks. Martin and Rachel barely have enough time to climb into the life raft before the yacht goes under.

Why the boat sank that fast is beyond me. It's almost as if it knew that the movie needed to end, so it did. I can almost imagine the director going on about how they have another forty minutes of footage to shoot of the last survivors starving and scared to death of the cat, when all of the sudden the camera operator pointed out that the boat was sinking so they had better wrap things up. Thank you for taking one for the team, Mr. Boat.

Graham doesn't make it to the life raft. He runs into the cat while collecting suitcases full of cash from his cabin. That's the end of Mr. Graham, the lion of Wall Street. However, the cat makes it into the life raft, which alarms Martin and Rachel. They knock it back out. It jumps back in. They knock it back out. Finally, they realize that all the cat wants is to not drown, so they empty out one of Graham's cash suitcases and toss the buoyant container to the castaway cat. Once it has an improvised floatation device to hang onto, it's a happy kitty.

Of course, this means that somebody is going to find a wayward cat on the beach and take it home. The End?

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Finding a needle in a haystack is easy compared to finding a cat in a parking garage.
George Kennedy was never young, ever.
When a truck rolls down a hill it sounds just like eighteen panes of glass breaking.
Cats meow 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
Sextants are easily converted into microscopes.
The sound of people kissing, when amplified, is disgusting.
A standard metal briefcase holds exactly one million dollars.
One symptom of sepsis is acute lemmingism.
Do not shoot a single 9mm bullet through a ship's hull; it will sink.
Counting money, in a lifeboat, in the middle of a storm, by looking at it - is easy.

Stuff To Watch For:

2 mins - If the cat is so dangerous why were they carrying it by hand, and why was the lab door wide open?
16 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A PENCIL-NECK GEEK WHO LOVES CATS!
21 mins - Where in the heck did the cat get that collar?
37 mins - The dubbing might be a little off right here. It appears that Albert is speaking while chugging booze.
48 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST LIQUOR!
50 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A RADIO!
51 mins - Rachel thinks Lance might die from being shot in the arm?
53 mins - Was it furry, with four feet and whiskers? Sounds like a cat.
57 mins - "Wait, here is a telephone! We can use it to call for help!"
59 mins - Is armed with a spatula?
77 mins - Rachel has been working on the engine for several hours, but her white shirt is spotless.
78 mins - Hey you two, I see land! It's right behind Rachel. It's land! You're saved! Look! Look behind you!
81 mins - That's a model.

Quotes:

Bobbie: "He's just a man: horny like every other guy."
Lance: "Did you see that thing? Did you see it? I've got the poison in my blood!"

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	uninvited1.wav	Scientist #1: "The building's secure. Now Paul, no matter what happens, we can't let that cat out of here." Scientist #2: "Dr. Gray, you saw what just happened at that stairwell." Scientist #1: "You shut up about that. Right now we've got to kill that cat."
	uninvited2.wav	Mr. Graham: "You gotta use your brain, Mike. I mean, we need those..." Mr. Harvey: "I know what you want them for, and it has nothing to do with cover." Mr. Graham: "We need the girls on board." Mr. Harvey: "Young broads are a pain in the ass. Old broads are a pain in the ass." Mr. Graham: "Hahahahaha!"
	uninvited3.wav	Martin: "His heart is racing a mile a minute. His pulse is going crazy!" Graham: "What happened to him? He just went nuts. I've never seen anything like this! It's not like him." Martin: "Cat couldn't have done this. Look, it's right through the shoe." Mr. Harvey: "It was...it was the caaaaaat!" Mr. Graham: "That's crazy, there's no way a cat could do that."
	uninvited4.wav	Rachel: "We'll have that engine fixed in no time. Right, Martin?" Martin: "That's right. We've almost got it. If we give up now we might as well just lie down and die. We're going to get out of here if we just keep fighting." Suzanne: "You're lying! You're both lying! We're never going to get out of this alive. We're all going to die! That thing's going to bite us, and we're all going to die a horrible death!"
	Theme Song	Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	uninvited1.mpg - 6.0m
	See if you can count how many panes of glass break as the truck rolls down the hill. I think there are eighteen separate crashes, but it's hard to tell.