TROMEO & JULIET
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| Unrated
| | Copyright 1996 Troma
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 10 February 2001
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- Tromeo Que - Young man searching for true love in a world full of silicone hussies.
- Juliet Capulet - If Shakespeare had a Lolita fetish...
- Murray Martini - Close friend of Tromeo, but do not invite him to parties. His idea of spiking the punch is particularly nasty. Joins Yorick after having a club embedded into his cranium.
- Monty Que - Destitute, drunk, and flatulent father to Tromeo.
- Cappy Capulet - Twisted beyond all belief and hardly providing a nurturing environment for his daughter, unless you believe the hype about "that which does not kill us will make us stronger." His head explodes after being plugged into an outlet (long story).
- Sammy Capulet - Violent little Hare Krishna bastard, but murderously practiced at beating people with a weighted sock. Killed by a high speed encounter with a fire hydrant.
- Father Lawrence - Local priest, he has one memorable flashback that is just plain wrong.
- Rosi - Our hero's slutty girlfriend, she really needs an answering machine.
- London - Local meat market tycoon who Cappy wants as a son-in-law. An expert at self-mutilation, he likes to spend sorrowful evenings head butting dead pigs.
- Ness - Lesbian cook for the Capulet family. Good thing, since Juliet is a vegetarian and apparently eats a lot of fish.
- Lemmy - Yes, of "Motörhead" fame. He is our narrator.
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I'm pretty certain that William Shakespeare never used the "C" word in his works (and I don't mean "Chinese"), but any adaptation by the people responsible for "The Toxic Avenger" is going to be twisted. When a classic tragedy is completely and utterly distorted beyond all belief... ...you have now entered the Troma Zone.
We all know that Ques and Capulets hate each other, much like the Hatfields and McCoys of American folklore. This is largely thanks to Cappy blackmailing Monty into relinquishing his share of a flourishing porn studio. All things considered, I think "blackmail" is some sort of a terrible pun by Lloyd Kaufman, but I digress. The two families take turns doing awful things to escalate the conflict, like tossing dead animals through each other's windows, and events soon get out of hand.
Want some examples? Okay, not a problem. Sammy works himself into a frenzy ranting about his hatred for the Ques and their allies, then lays into a pair of nerds with his sock. No idea what they were doing at a grunge club, but being smacked with a sock full of quarters was the result. Meanwhile, Cappy displays his displeasure at Murray's impromptu moonlight serenade by grabbing a crossbow! The singers run for cover as explosive bolts rain down from above, nicely punctuating a stanza that ended with "You're an a**hole!"
Detective Scalus is driven mad with frustration at his inability to stop the violent feud, even after Sammy is killed. In fact, the warring factions had just left the police station when it happens. Sammy sticks his head into Monty's car, prompting the patriarch to hit the power window button. Life starts to suck as the car takes off, pulling the unfortunate passenger along by his head. Eventually the driver (Benny Que) punches Sammy several times in the face and knocks him free. What shaved grape upon yonder fire hydrant breaks?
Everybody's real problem is Cappy Capulet though; the man is a festering bag of reprehensible behavior. He has other hobbies to go with stabbing friends in the back, one of which is practicing bondage on Juliet in a plexiglas cage. Not quite certain exactly what he does, besides sweat and tie her up; because she professes to not knowing the pleasure of a man. Obviously the editor removed William's prose about Capulet tossing off as his horrified daughter watches. Don't agree? Well, you explain why he was sweating then. I give up, mainly to avoid thinking about the possibilities any more.
Tromeo and Murray crash one of the rich crowd's parties, intent on visiting Rosi and tormenting the Capulets. The young lady already had a date though, so Tromeo mopes while his friend makes a generous sperm donation to the punch bowl. Dancing couples part briefly and the downtrodden lad sees her, Juliet captures his heart at first site and she feels the same (though he is wearing a ridiculous cow suit). Ah, a classic love story. You find the girl of your dreams, but she is an incestuous love slave. Plus your families are on opposite sides of a vicious gang war. Twisted, you people are twisted freaks!
Perhaps the only troubling aspect of the movie is these two goofballs flinging Shakespearean prose at each other. Look into their eyes; you can actually see the wheels turning as they recite lines. Not that anyone was getting an Oscar, but Cappy has some delightful quips at times. Just believe that finding any sort of acting award at Juliet's house would prompt Federal investigation. However, Troma fans will notice that posters for other movies by the company grace walls throughout the film, even in places like Juliet's willowy bedroom. And there are people dressed up like other Troma characters during the costume ball. If you noticed these little treats then you are a sick and twisted puppy. Well done.
The lovers spark more than just their passions; all heck breaks loose between the two factions. Fights, eyeballs being poked out, and beheadings are at an all time high. Cappy is furious with his dissenting concubine of a daughter, he will lose a billionaire stepson due to her change of heart. Really ugly stuff happens, that sees Tromeo hiding from the police for Tyrone Capulet's slaying (actually Trom just pushes the guy into traffic, chance took care of the rest) and Juliet beaten into agreeing to marry London. Only by drinking a magic potion does the maiden have any chance of being with her beloved. No faking death though, this elixir turns the girl into a ghastly hermaphrodite. The wealthy fiancée is suitably discouraged and Cappy's death means a happy ending for Tromeo and Juliet. Turns out they were brother and sister due to some adultery, but they always wanted a couple of six fingered children.
Looking for most of this story in the original is a waste of time; even by applying liberal interpretations of events the lesbian scenes are a mystery. And I tried to find them, believe me. Enjoy the movie for what it is, a twisted work of art from New Jersey. Oh, the word "twisted" was originally used thirty-seven times in the rough draft of this review.
Oh Shoggoth, our love holds on, holds...
The B-Masters Cabal looks for instances where roses would be inappropriate:
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Sometimes squirrels commit suicide.
- Paper cutters will chop clean through fingers, especially latex ones.
- Beware the man who keeps KY Jelly at his computer desk.
- Before losing their virginity, young girls are plagued by nightmares involving demonic phalluses.
- You really don't want to know what is in hot dogs.
- Pregnant women are full of popcorn!
- True love involves tattoos.
- "The Crying Game" causes violent nausea in heterosexual males.
- Sometimes watching the end credits pays off handsomely.
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- 2 mins -
Mouse! Hehehehe! PETA would be furious.
- 5 mins - RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST NERDS!
- 5 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 8 mins - Stratford, England must be having an earthquake right now.
- 16 mins - Tromeo really needs to get out more often. Dude, stop that!
- 17 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 30 mins - Somebody in the effects department actually spent time mashing raisins into baloney.
- 41 mins - Thus explaining the strange correlation between Shakespeare and teen pregnancy.
- 52 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 60 mins - Aerosmith was right, disgusting...
- 72 mins - "Chaos Theory" in action, Troma should get a Nobel Prize for conclusively proving this.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | tromeo1.wav
| Sammy: "Your breasts are more pear-shaped than my sister's, but they'll do." (He gets clocked and Murray laughs.)
| | tromeo2.wav
| Lemmy: "Act II: The ball and Tromeo's agony of bliss. His balls be blue. Young man, pray think on this."
| | tromeo3.wav
| Murray: "Let's go upstairs and steal from the rich people. You always love it when we steal from the rich people."
| | tromeo4.wav
| Tromeo: "What light from yonder plexiglas breaks?"
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | tromeo1.mpg
- 2.5m
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Sammy is showing off his deadly weapon, mostly since the Que's mere existence causes him to go insane. The girl is his sister, he just failed at convincing her "incest is best."
Twisted little movie...
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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