TEENAGE CAVEMAN
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 2002 Creature Feature Productions LLC
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 30 May 2009
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- David - He is the son of the tribe's religious sham man, and he kills his hypocritical father, but he repents. So, it's all good.
- Sarah - She is way too skinny. Imagine if Calista Flockhart was made into a mummy after dying of malnutrition. Yeah, that skinny.
- Joshua - Somehow this kid got through high school without learning that you never tell the big mutant freak senior how much you enjoy banging his ex-girlfriend.
- Elizabeth - Is that a leg warmer on her head?
- Vincent - He was born 150 years too late to join the KKK. Not that he acts racist; it's just that he fits my mental profile.
- WARNING: The following description is likely to cause distress in any person who suffers from delusions that they really are Charlie Brown.
- Heather - She pops like a ripe zit! Darn it, why isn't her name Mary? Everybody knows about Bloody Marys, but who has ever heard of a Bloody Heather?
- Judith - She looks to have both Filipino and Chinese heritage, which explains why her slaps make those whacky kung fu sounds that are not quite in sync with her hand making contact against Neil's face.
- Neil - He has a streak of jealousy a mile wide, heals faster than Wolverine, looks worse than Brundlefly, and wears a ridiculous little top knot in his hair like Debbie Gibson did during the '80s. Who dreamt up this character?
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There was an amusing moment the first time that I watched this movie. It happened about thirty minutes into the film, as the teenagers awkwardly engaged in drinking, socializing, and sexual exploration. I had already had enough of the film by this point, and was so exasperated with the script's focus that I suddenly groused, "What the f**k? Did Larry Clark direct this? Wait, he did? Really? Who thought that was a good idea?"
Friends, the original version of this story does have some problems, but they pale in comparison to the remake. This steaming pile of offal is aggravating to the extreme. Let me tell you why, and be warned that there will be a lot of words that look like this: f**k.
Many, many words that look like f**k.
David and his friends are members of a small tribe that somehow survived the environmental calamities that destroyed our present civilization. The tribe is ruled by David's father, who uses a mixture of good old-fashioned fire-and-brimstone evangelism to keep the unwashed masses in check. All of the tribe's teenagers are filled with resentment and angst (more so than regular teenagers), because the tribal laws are onerous, especially the one forbidding sexual activity. David is particularly troubled, because his father picked Sarah to be the newest holy concubine of the apocalypse. "Hold on, God's message is that my girlfriend has to wrestle your turtle-necked bishop? Gee thanks, dad."
You are correct in thinking that David has some misgivings about his father's ministry. The whole thing is resolved when the teenager slays his father by stabbing him in the eye with a wooden cross. The adults sentence David to death, but the other teenagers set him free. All of the kids run away into the desolate wilderness. They discover a ruined city (Seattle, I believe) just before a post-apocalyptic mega sandstorm hits without warning. Caught outside, the teenagers are almost certainly doomed.
Has anyone else ever noticed that after the end of the world it never just drizzles? If it is not just another day after the apocalypse, then the chance of a sandstorm created by hurricane force winds, a forty below blizzard, or an acid rain thunderstorm with hut-destroying lightning is nearly 100%.
In short: after Armageddon, nobody gives a f**k about umbrellas. Does that make you happy?
The sandstorm does not turn David and his friends into piles of white bones. They unexpectedly wake up in a postmodern studio apartment, where they meet Neil and Judith, the spoiled twentysomethings who saved the dazed teenagers from certain death. The futuristic residence is actually a bunker that is filled with all sorts of comforts and excesses that the caveteenagers never imagined, including the two occupants.
Neil and Judith are delighted that they have met some naive teenagers who have never experienced nudity, binge drinking, drug use, and sex. The teenagers are delighted by the fruit that was always forbidden by their elders, but which is now being encouraged by the slightly older (actually much older; I'll explain shortly) mentors. With the exception of David and Sarah, all of the kids are soon having sex. Oddly, the teenage boys all think that f***ing is the bee's knees, whilst the teenage girls are more hesitant and less satisfied with the results. The scene comes across as extremely creepy to me. Heather saying, "I'm going to tell my mom." right before her deflowering made me throw my hands in the air. Who wrote this, and why didn't they grow up with the rest of us?
The script is f***ing retarded, right? I mean, it's not just me who thinks this, right? Right?
Judith and Neil are not just a pair of swank twentysomethings. They are both more than a hundred years old! They survived the apocalypse that destroyed the old world because they are superhuman freaks created by genetic tampering. They never age, they heal almost instantly, and their various senses are far more sensitive than yours or mine. For decades the two have been living in the lap of luxury, and wallowing in self-pity. Until they discovered the teenagers, Judith and Neil believed that they were the last humans left on Earth.
The immortally irresponsible young adults want more out of the teenagers than just casual relief from their eternal f***ing boredom. They want to make more superhumans. Elizabeth finds out the hard way that becoming permanent is not without its perils. She does not know why her body hurts so much. Judith and Neil do, because Neil infected the frightened girl with the superhuman virus when they had sex. The genetic mutation is a venereal disease! Unfortunately, if it does not turn the person into a superhuman, well...the result is bad. Elizabeth explodes. Heather suffers the same fate shortly thereafter.
So, you either become f***ing immortal or you turn into a messy f***ing failure.
There is also a permanent downside of becoming a superhuman, and that is a stress-driven effect (like the Hulk) that temporarily turns the person into a bumpy killer mutant. Neil suffers from these lapses quite often, because he is a jealous f**k, and Judith's bedroom romps make him f***ing angry. Another thing that makes Neil angry is when Judith spits in his face and screams how much she hates him, how she has hated him for years, and that she will always hate him (their relationship does have some problems). When Neil gets angry he transforms into the bumpy Hulk.
Have you noticed a whole lot of f**k in this review? I am doing that to make a point, and the point is more than just "I hate this f***ing film." The dialog in "Teenage Caveman" is terrible. Every other word is "f**k," "f***ing," or some other derivative. F**k is a substitute for any sort of competent screenwriting, social commentary, and acting; heck, it even replaces small talk.
Halfway through the film I began to wonder just how many times the characters said "f**k." I thought about starting over to count them, but realized that meant watching forty minutes of absolute garbage all over again. F**k that.
It does not take long for Neil's bumpy Hulk episodes to kill off some more people. David gets infected with the superhuman mutant VD after Judith tricks him into having sex with her by using her 1337 sexual doppelganger skillz or some other such nonsense. Then Neil puts his arm inside Judith. I mean that in the way that signifies death (even for a superhuman) from massive trauma, not in the way that appears way too often on the Internet. So, the only three people left are David, Sarah, and Neil. Both of the men turn into bumpy mutant Hulks to fight over who gets to f**k Sarah until she either becomes immortal or a messy stain on the carpet.
The battle between mutant David and mutant Neil looks more like a boxing match between acromegalic geriatrics whose combination of Tourette's and Alzheimer's makes them yell, "F**k!" each time they are hit or throw a punch (I shudder that I might have just given some rogue designer an idea for a Wii game). I suffered through the whole bout with a smile on my face. One of them had to win, and when they did, the movie was finally going to end.
If you ask me, this movie should have ended half a f***ing hour ago.
Catch May Movie Fever!
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- God hates fart jokes.
- Greater love hath no man than to b***h slap his brother man, man.
- Penthouse forum is a reading primer.
- Heaven is filled with Ferraris and supermarkets.
- The problem with "f**k" is that it makes 70% of the rest of the English language superfluous.
- Cocaine causes premature ejaculation.
- Not f***king listening will get you f***ing killed.
- The only thing more pitiful than two drunks talking about women is the fool filming them.
- There are a whole lot of items that should never come into contact with your spine. A vacuum cleaner is one of them.
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- Opening Credits - Lou, this film stinks. Are you sure that you're not adopted?
- 5 mins - I see that the Baptists have not changed a whole lot since the world went to Hell. That's funny, because I always imagined them standing around, pointing at everyone and yelling, "I told you so!" after the party is all over.
- 16 mins - "I am like totally not going back."
- 23 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 23 mins - And ANOTHER ONE!
- 24 mins - And YET ANOTHER ONE!
- 24 mins - Yes, it's a veritable bevy of boobies right now.
- 26 mins - Gawk! Didn't need that!
- 32 mins - It is official: I hate this movie.
- 33 mins - Not another pasty white man ass! Noooooooooooo!
- 35 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 39 mins - Thank GOD for that bottle. THANK GOD.
- 40 mins - In case you are wondering, the only thing going through my mind is, "When will this f***ing movie be over?"
- 76 mins - When will this f***ing movie be over?
- 86 mins - F**k!
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | teencavefu1.wav
| David's Father: "You learned to read so that you could fill your head with this s**t? Huh? This is the old world, and it's gone! God destroyed them for their sins. Is that what you want, huh? You want to die like that?"
| | teencavefu2.wav
| Neil: "We were students at the university. The research scientists knew the weather was going to change forever, before the public did, so they recruited kids for medical experiments. We'd all done it before: sleep deprivation, ESP studies - it was easy money. This time was different though. It was genetic engineering. They were trying to find a way to ah...improve people so they would be able to survive what was coming."
Judith: "How old do you think I am?"
David: "About twenty-one, twenty-two..."
Judith: "I was born a hundred and twenty years ago."
| | teencavefu3.wav
| This is what a bunch of drunk teenagers sound like when they try to have sex.
| | teencavefu4.wav
| Neil: "Oh, I see. I'm supposed to just sit there and not react. After the past ninety years I'm supposed to just sit there with a s**t-eating grin on my face, you f***ing b***h, and listen to some cave boy talk about f***ing you?"
Judith: "Are you f***ing jealous? Is that what this is? You disgust me!"
Judith's Hand: **SMACK**
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | teencavefu1.mpg
- 4.6m
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| Well, I guess that this is a good example of the rest of the movie. Who the f**k cares?
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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