|THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE
|Copyright 1982 Embassy Home Entertainment
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 4 October 2001
- Trish - The main character due to the fact that the slumber party happens at her house.
- Kimberly - Blonde with some serious tan lines from her bikini. Melanin will not reflect a steel knife. Stabbed.
- Jackie - She was very compassionate, but opening the door was still a stupid thing to do.
- Diane - Snobby girl. She should know better than to talk about naughty things on her friend's phone. Drilled.
- Valerie and Courtney - Sisters who live next door to Trish.
- Jeff, Neil, and John - "The guys," but they're all goons and die. I felt sorry for Neil though. He gets stabbed, a lot.
- Linda - Brinke Stevens! Betrayed by her own hemoglobin and sent to a better place.
- Mr. Contant - Nosy neighbor of Trish's family who has some major problems. He hunts snails at night with a meat cleaver! A hammer would do just fine; is a huge chopping instrument really necessary? Has a hole drilled through his neck.
- Coach Jana, a telephone repair lady, and the pizza guy - All dead.
- Russ Thorn - Escaped psychopath who discovers the many fine uses an industrial cordless drill can be used for.
|Ah, the slumber party... ...attractive girls letting their hair down and parading around in skimpy clothes. It sounds like every possible male fantasy come true, except "the guys" are not invited. Of course we sneak around the house and peer in windows, marveling as the women change lingerie. The problem is, after scaring the girls and being invited inside, a homicidal maniac starts killing everyone. Guess who gets tasked with either hunting him down or going for help? You guessed it, fodder boy.
The day starts leisurely enough for Trish. Since mom and dad are out of town, the young lady has invited her friends over for a slumber party. School passes quickly and soon we are treated to the girls' basketball practice. This is, supposedly, the varsity team, but their skill level leads us to believe they probably didn't make it to the finals. Just enjoy watching the shirts bounce around and the requisite shower scenes that follow. Some of the "girls" might look a little old for high school. I have an explanation: they failed a couple of times (like nine or ten).
Escapee Russ Thorn is the top news story for the day, but the students are not paying attention. First blood comes when the murderer drills a hole through the cute telephone repairwoman that Jeff had just finished hitting on. Russ enters the school next, catching Linda returning to retrieve some forgotten study materials. She almost made it; too bad that her arm was bleeding so badly from the initial encounter and the trail led him right to her hiding place.
I must say that the drill, sporting a massive bit that is probably two feet long, performs faultlessly every time. Just thinking about that thing boring through my innards hurts. Its long battery life (Russ never has to recharge) makes the weapon all the more terrible. Russ should have invested in some better quality bits though. Do they make high-speed steel bits that long?
So, we are all set up for a night of debauchery. Just remember: that word might mean different things to the girls (getting high and drinking), the guys (the girls), and the killer (drilling holes in the guys and girls). Come to think of it, there might be an allegory to sexuality in Russ' choice of implement.
Trish and company oblige the peeping Toms (actually Neil and Jeff would be more accurate) by changing in the living room. The boys are almost discovered when Jackie, exhibiting a callous disregard for her friend's yard, dumps the ashtray out the window. Watching starts to get boring when the girls refuse to cooperate and stay clothed for several minutes. The two goons sneak into the garage and remove some of the fuses, prompting the girls to investigate why the lights went out.
First off, the garage is detached from the house and probably thirty yards away. What idiot designed that setup? Second, the fuse box is tiny. The fuse box in my mother's house (before she had it replaced with breakers) had double that many fuses for a much smaller dwelling.
John arrives and parks in the garage, fully intent on experiencing a certain song by Meatloaf. Diane will have nothing to do with the idea. She is afraid that one of the others will enter the garage and find his you-know-what in her you-know-what (yup, all those sex education classes really helped me). Diane tells her host that the two are going on a beer run. They do not make it out of the garage alive, but neither will be missed.
Inside the house, the guys and gals have no clue what is going on until the pizza delivery man arrives; they open the door to his mutilated visage. Several minutes of freaking out are required at this point and the trapped teenagers do a wonderful job, especially after the phone goes dead. Before cellular technology the killer had it easy. Clip one wire and you denied all contact with the outside world.
Meanwhile, just one house over, Valerie and Courtney have been relaxing at home. Their sibling relationship seems skewed by the way. One minute the eldest is fixing her kid sister's hair and the next berating her for making off with the latest issue of "Playgirl" (hidden as it was under Valerie's mattress). They also spend some time wondering about how Trish's party is going.
Badly is the answer. Jeff and Neil are nominated for an attempt to reach the neighbors. Mr. Contant is already dead at this point and Valerie has the television turned up so loud that she cannot hear anything else. Russ Thorn chalks up two more kills, even though Jeff required a second perforating. He had a hole drilled through the left side of his chest and was still alive! What a trooper!
Valerie is forced to go after her sister when the latter sneaks over to Trish's house. Things seem funny, so they poke around to see what is up; by now Russ is inside the house. None the wiser, our two newcomers are blissfully ignorant of the danger until Courtney finds Kimberly's corpse in the refrigerator. When the basketball coach (may she rest in peace) arrives, the surviving girls finally have had enough and mount a counterattack.
One thing about these films is that, invariably, one of the victims manages to clobber the killer with something and knock him down. Then they run away! No, no, no! Once the attacker is down keep on hitting him! Stomp on his throat, aim that poker for an eye socket, do something brutal and inhumane! Trish stabs Russ in the back at one point, then stares in horror at the blood covering the knife. I almost jumped out of my chair shouting, "What did you think was going to happen? The maniac has killed most of your friends! Now stick him again!"
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Sometimes the van a rockin' is a bad thing.
- Never wear black panties under tight yellow shorts.
- The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution protects a girl's right to privately discuss oral sex with her boyfriend.
- One in four teenage girls have had breast implants.
- Hot dogs are a poor substitute for steak when treating a black eye.
- Knife fighting techniques are taught in the Cub Scouts.
- Pizza retains heat better than a human body.
- Garment bags make perfect hiding places.
- 2 mins - If I was her neighbor I'd invest in a set of Steiner binoculars.
- 8 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 23 mins - What was the cat doing in the closet?
- 26 mins - Trish should be dropping the coffee pot and yelling "Ouch!" while waving her burned fingers in the air.
- 30 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS!
- 32 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SNAIL!
- 43 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 51 mins - Simpleton! You knock like a pansy! I'd be bashing the door in with my shoulder!
- 57 mins - Well, that's not energy efficient. They need to replace the weather stripping...
- 72 mins - Psycho woman with a machete! Run like a bitch!
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Jackie: "What do the guys see in her anyway?" |
Trish: "She's beautiful."
Jackie: "I think she has a big mouth."
Kimberly: "Hey, it's not how big your mouth is, it's what in it that counts."
||Diane gets drilled.
||Courtney talking, on the phone, about kissing Jabba the Hutt (well, that's the first thing that comes to mind).
||Russ: "Takes a lot of love for a person to do this..."
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|The telephone repair girl just finished putting off Jeff's sly high school student advances. Russ grabs her. Suddenly, being pawed by a fumbling teenager does not sound all that bad.
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