|ROCK'N WITH SATAN
|Copyright 2002 Zone 5 Pictures
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 20 July 2003
- Billy Love - He looks like Richard Marx with a Rod Stewart wig.
- Ricky Steele - Serious about the band and their work, but he has some effeminate tendencies.
- Sara - The girl who Billy falls in love with. He obviously likes big butts.
- Ricky's Dad - What to do when you need an angry black man, but have no friends that fit the bill. Just pick a big white guy, tell him not to shave, and stick a huge mop of a wig on his head.
- Dean Rufus - Dean of the high school, that is. The bastion of learning needs a firm man with a wooden baseball bat. Rufus is what they have to work with.
- Radical Z - And this would be Old Scratch himself.
|Billy and Ricky are two irresponsible kids who like to play their instruments. The viewer can understand their abhorrence for authority, especially after meeting Rufus for the first time, but a major problem throughout the film was my hatred of the characters. The pair cannot sing, they often act like jerks to others, and appear to be in training for a life of living off their parents. Am I honestly supposed to commiserate with them?
Due to their attitudes, the self destructive teens are sentenced to detention. Billy manufactures a distraction that causes Dean Rufus to leave the room so that his partner can attach jumper cables to the man's chair. No, I have no clue what provided the electricity. The trick works and the dean is rendered immobile by the electric current. Billy dumps a garbage can over the adult's head before bailing. Little wonder that the dean is soon standing tall in front of... ...someone. From the dialog (both now and later) the man is supposed to be the school district's superintendent. To add comedy to the exchanges, the superintendent is blessed with a voice that sounds like he has been sucking helium.
The two boys cruise by a music store. There they meet a poorly realized reference to "Gremlins" and/or "The NeverEnding Story." The old Chinese man (wink, wink) slyly gets them interested in an ancient grimoire of music. Yeah, I know, heavy metal was born in China. Stop bitching at me for the plot; I just work here.
There are a number of visual or verbal nods to songs and music videos throughout the film. Just in case you were wondering, my least favorite involves Billy playing his guitar. He is not wearing a shirt, but is wearing tight spandex pants with the crotch stuffed. I developed a nervous tick in my right eye from that visual.
Where were we? Oh, the book. Having found the book, Mr. Love and Mr. Steele are suddenly accosted by Radical Z. The hyperactive Prince of Evil offers them girls, lights, girls, rock'n lyrics, and the ability to actually play their instruments. I was pleased with the last part of the deal. Without demonic augmentation, the band SUCKS. Anyway, the boys decline the hellish deal at first. Radical Z sees his chance when they start bombing at a battle of the bands. The crowd was booing them to death, but when the music changes everyone goes crazy.
Things really take off once Satan is involved in promoting "White Scorpion" (the band's name). One swift change is that the songs improve, but the really abrupt change is Sara falling for Billy. The poorly placed satanic symbols disturb Ricky. He dislikes the band's new direction. I, personally, was distracted by people constantly swapping clothes. I do not mean continuity errors. You might see Billy wearing a certain jacket in a scene; not five minutes later another person is wearing the same jacket.
The success turns Mr. Love into an even greater idiot. Eventually the caustic atmosphere is too much for Ricky and he quits the band. Dean Rufus tries to berate the boozing teen rock star, but only incites a retort from Billy that involves the inhuman (sexual) treatment of a chicken. Sara receives much the same; she storms out in a huff.
And this is where we stand when the movie's end draws near. Mr. Love is entirely under Satan's power until Ricky returns. Together the pair are able to defeat the fallen angel. How? Why, they sing him off the stage. Ricky is armed with an acoustic guitar, while the Richard Marx clone wields a mighty keyboard. Who needs a holy sword when you have weapons such as these?
Me, that is who. Try to send me to battle the Devil with a keyboard. I will kick your ass, then ask a priest for forgiveness (and a quick blessing on my sword).
I cannot say that this was an enjoyable movie. The saving grace was the music, which is usually okay and sometimes pretty good. The characters drove me out of my skull (especially the lip synching) and Billy swigging hard alcohol from a frothy brandy bottle was ridiculous. It looked like apple juice (and don't you dare say it was apply brandy).
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Modern textbooks are made with heavy metallic paper.
- Never ask an Australian to join your band.
- Ice cream is no substitute for stage makeup.
- Amnesia is caused by the Devil electrocuting your brain.
- High school principles often work as security at rock concerts.
- Real satanic rockers bite the heads off of koala bears.
- Brandy and chocolate filled donuts do not mix well.
- Satan is allergic to his own demonic tomes.
- 5 mins - I am starting to understand why nobody likes this pair.
- 8 mins - Thank goodness that scene is over.
- 14 mins - This is how the game starts. Save the kid from drowning, follow them to the village, and pick your creature.
- 25 mins - As crowds go, this is pretty pitiful.
- 29 mins - Daisy Duke used to wear that same outfit. No way am I sleeping without nightmares tonight.
- 40 mins - Apparently, your heart is tone deaf and retarded.
- 45 mins - He was a jerk already!
- 51 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A GRANDFATHER CLOCK!
- Radical Z: "You and I need to have a talk. Whoa! Nice jacket. Did you make that out of two pairs of jeans?"
Billy: "You know, I did, Radical Z. Do you like it?"
Radical Z: "That's boss."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Rufus: "You don't understand. These kids' real teachers are these satanic, musical things that they watch on TV..." |
Superintendent: "Please, don't refer to Satan in my presence."
||One of White Scorpion's original songs (written without Satan's help).
||Ricky: "Did you notice anything different about the fans?" |
Billy: "Yeah, there was more than two of them."
Ricky: "That's not the point. Did you notice the quality of the fans?"
||Billy: "Look, whatever babe. You're my girlfriend aint ya?" |
Billy: "Why don't you go take your pants off, get back here, and we'll start humping."
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Sit back and enjoy one of the music videos that also advances the plot. What about the shots of Billy in skintight pants? Yeah, I could have done without.
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