|RAIDERS OF WU TANG
|Copyright 1997 Hong Kong Connection (I believe the film was made in 1982)
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- (There were no credits, so cut me some slack Chu.)
- Little Lu - Stableboy who is learning kung fu from his drunken teacher and uncles. Looks to be just shy of thirty years old.
- Wisdom - Shaolin monk in charge of training new students. Very powerful martial arts, the cymbal brothers cut off his ears and one arm.
- The Abbot - Spiritual leader of Shaolin, this guy says, "Buddha bless you." to everything. Greeting guests, "Buddha bless you." or a man falling dead at his feet, "Buddha bless you."
- The Chings - Corrupt local government. The elder brother rules while the younger ones hail from Tibet. In Tibet they appear to teach a deadly form of kung fu using cymbals. Little Lu kills all the younger brothers and badly injures Mr. Ching.
- The Crippled Masters - Yes! Little Lu's two uncles, once again one is missing his arms the other has atrophied legs. They tried to master the bronze horses and were badly injured.
- Teacher and Su Ying - Little Lu's alcoholic mentor, she is the teacher's niece and has a crush on Lu.
- Spotty - Dude with some major hygiene problems. He's always scratching that nasty head of his, it appears to be terminal ringworm (ugh).
- A HORDE of monks and evil warriors - Just here to provide a plentiful supply of fodder. Every group has it's own fighting style.
- The Twenty-four Bronze Horses - Exactly that, a room full of robot horses which teach kung fu.
|Old school kung fu at it's best, every group has their own fighting styles and one powerful guy can defeat armies.
You're going to like Wisdom, he's cool. Any teacher who starts cracking students over the head with a stick and yelling, "Why are you so stupid?" is awesome. Then there's the Abbot, still can't believe he said that to the guy dying at his feet though.
Little Lu is a master horsemen and learning some kung fu from his teacher, the crippled uncles start him training in the forbidden bronze horse room. The twenty-four bronze horses hold the key to deadly martial arts, the room was sealed when too many students died. (Hehehe!)
Wisdom is traveling to other temples and seeking their aid should Ching's forces attack Shaolin. Too bad that Ching's spies are following him, telling the monks Wisdom has come to challenge them. Poor guy comes walking up to say hello and gets jumped by about twenty monks with swords. He kicks their butts too, with a stick! Dunno about you but if twenty guys with swords come after me I'm going to drop my stick and run like a bitch.
Lu gets taken out by a horse stomping on his chest and barely recovers, he enters the horse room to try again as the evil ruler makes his move. Ching shows up with his warriors (the twenty-four "Stars" - guys with funny masks and cresent weapons) and the cymbal carrying brothers. With Shaolin temple overrun and Wisdom fighting a losing battle against the deadly kung fu quintet Lu masters the horses. Then he kicks the crap out of the entire evil army, knocking every ounce of stage blood out of the cymbal guys. You have to see that, these guys look like hamsters their cheeks are so full, upon being knocked to the ground each spits out the blood in slow motion.
Most of the fight scenes are great, including one cymbal guy running across people's heads.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Martial arts styles are classified by the type of robot you must fight to learn it.
- Kung fu mastery causes alcoholism.
- Don't drink out of the same pool some nasty guy is bathing in.
- Shaolin monks kick butt!
- Snot is an adhesive.
- You don't want to have a bronze horse stomping on your chest.
- Wooden staves make metallic sounds when tapped on stone.
- Cymbal music causes physical pain.
- Prayer beads make excellent earplugs.
- A musical instrument can cut your arm off.
- With training a person can leap fifty or sixty feet.
- There is a vital nerve in your left foot.
- 4 mins - Okay, you three: ACTION!
- 5 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST STUDENTS!
- 11 mins - It's "The Crippled Masters!"
- 18 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A MAN WITH RINGWORM!
- 46 mins - These dudes are using cymbals as weapons?
- 54 mins - Is this "Lord of the Dance?"
- 61 mins - That dude is wearing elf shoes!
- 77 mins - Big man fighting those suddenly inert horses...
- 82 mins - We're stuck in in a time loop!
- 84 mins - Hold it, hold it, okay spit out the stage blood!
- Abbot: "From now on I'll leave the twenty-four horse room in your care. I hope you'll guide our disciples in this superb skill, and improve our martial arts here."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Narrator: "The technique of the twenty-four bronze horses was extremely difficult. It had been established by the Shaolin's seventh ancestor and only two men had ever managed to survive an encounter with these twenty-four bronze horses."
||Goverment Official: "I think the bald heads from Shaolin are behind this; they're scared of nobody."
||Cymbal Brother: "Tomorrow I'll go to Shaolin, and I'll wreck their temple!"
||Little Lu: "Uncle, I never knew your kung fu was so good."
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Wisdom is about sick and tired of these bonehead pupils. He decides a little negative reinforcement might help. An enraged monk thumping you over the head with a stick would be a good incentive to learn faster.
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