Octopus B-Movie Review

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OCTOPUS - Skull

Rated PG-13

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 27 May 2002

The Characters:

Agent Roy Turner - Our hero, the complete and utter wuss. My chief complaint is that the character somehow survived.
Dr. Lisa Finch - She may be the only female within several hundred nautical miles, but this marine biologist's predilection for chucking shoes would definitely start an argument. That would be after I threw it back and hit her in the head.
Capt. Jack Shaw - He carries a Bronze Star Medal, earned in an action which cost him his career, for good luck?
Mr. Brickman - The submarine's XO and a terrible poker player. Munched.
Henry - The older CIA agent. He makes a great "dooh!" face after noticing the bomb at his feet. Boom!
Casper - One mean bastard of a terrorist. Has a tentacle jammed through his stomach, then out of his mouth; at some point we can be certain it also erupted from his anus like some strange homage to "The Tommyknockers."
The Octopus - A huge cephalopod that has been mutated by exposure to Anthrax. I am not certain how this works, but then, neither can I claim to be a marine biologist.

The Plot:

During the Cuban Missile Crisis an American submarine intercepts the U.S.S.R. (the heck) Leningrad, a vessel of the dark empire tasked with delivering some sort of nasty cargo to Castro. A tense drama plays out on the Russian submarine's bridge, but it is rendered moot when the U.S. ship fires its torpedoes. The world is on the brink of nuclear war, how about some restraint? Anyway, the Soviets are hit and plummet into the depths while barrels spill from the ruptured hull. A lot of bit part actors scream while someone pours water over their heads too. The main problem here, besides footage that looks like it was snipped from "Crimson Tide," is the location. We have to assume the submarine encounter happened very close to Cuba. But, later on that makes no sense whatsoever.

Why me?

No, really, tell me what force compels a human being into watching films like this.

*SIGH*

Henry and Roy are discussing the current state of world affairs when things pick up. The older agent complains about the lack of job satisfaction in a world without mutual assured destruction, while his partner seems more interested in daydreaming. Both take a trip to the local market, thus being luckily absent from the embassy when Casper (disguised as an old woman) destroys the building with a bomb. Despite a number of other embassy bombings, the attack was easy to conduct for three reasons: the compound lacks a wall or gate, the Marine Security Guards are conspicuosly absent, and identification checkpoints were not in place.

The two agents give chase through streets crowded with pedestrians, causing the requisite damage to a produce cart. It also spells the end for Henry when another device, dropped by Casper, explodes nearly at his feet. Agent Turner has the perfect opportunity to either shoot or detain the terrorist at this point, but Casper realizes his opponent is a wuss and gleefully climbs into a car to drive away. Good thing that Henry was not dead (yet); he shoots the vehicle's fuel tank before expiring. Now Roy can sit back and watch as the murderer cooks inside his burning conveyance, but noooo - the idiot actually drags Casper to safety. Has it been mentioned that Roy is a royal putz?

Would I have let the bastard die, slowly and in great pain? Darn skippy! Might have put some holes in his arms and legs to prevent him from crawling out. Had some spare change and a corner grocery been available, then toasting marshmallows sounds good. Wave to Casper as his flesh peels off, put another delicious treat on the stick and start singing campfire songs.

Faced with transporting the world's most dangerous criminal, the suits in Washington decide to send a nuclear attack submarine. Why not a helicopter? The likelihood of an octopus menacing a rotary wing aircraft is very low (foreshadowing, with irony), so Jack "Ego" Shaw is given the orders. After returning to the ship with Turner and the prisoner, he finds a strip poker game in progress on the bridge. Since submarines have entirely male crews, making any sort of blemishing remark about the Navy would be far too easy here, but, in their defense, the players are Lisa and Brickman. How the game began and what sort of officer allows a visiting civilian scientist, let alone his Executive Officer, to conduct themselves like this is a mystery.

Utilizing stolen intelligence photographs, the other terrorists quickly plan a rescue for their comrade. Their entire infrastructure is tasked with freeing Casper, including hijacking a cruise ship. The ponderous ship will shadow the submarine, waiting for the right opportunity. A cruise ship hunting an attack sub? The right opportunity? What the heck are these people thinking? Only in a movie. In fact, only in this movie.

The octopus briefly tangles with the submarine a few times before making a dedicated effort. The vessel bounces off an underwater ridge, then crashes into the seabed at a point under its advertised hull crush depth. Meanwhile, Casper kills one of the crewmen and escapes. Even with the confusion of a huge, mutated sea monster attacking and sailors deserting their posts (Where are they going?), the easily recognized terrorist somehow finding a place to hide seems impossible. Of course, he takes refuge in Dr. Finch's lab, providing him with a hostage who can reprogram a distress buoy to signal the other terrorists.

Tentacles lash at the stricken submarine for a while before one particularly rigid arm pierces the hull and starts snatching up crewmen. For some reason only mild flooding results, instead of the implosion expected. The respite from physics provides Lisa a chance to show off her marksmanship and save Captain Shaw from the foraging tentacle. 9 mm pistols are lethal to humans, but the octopus withstood mines and ripped through metal. Seeing it recoil from the tiny weapon was plain ridiculous. And another thing: Lisa was doing the shooting because Roy was procrastinating, the indecisive wuss.

Escaping the underwater tomb is top priority for the characters (none of the enlisted survived, they have also recaptured Casper) and Dr. Finch's fish food can help buy some time. She has loads of what appears to be, and is described as being, weight gainer for dolphins! The tentacles erupt in a flurry of action, presumably ingesting the mixture through some form of osmosis. The survivors escape in the marine biologist's research submersible moments before the submarine's reactor detonates. The octopus was still wrapped around the sub, but it is unharmed. Mere feet away from a fission explosion and still kicking, that is one mean mofo of a monster. Nothing can kill it! Except maybe for dynamite...

The submersible surfaces near the cruise liner. Once Casper and his detainers are aboard, the terrorists seize control of the ship. Roy, Lisa, and Jack are led below where a violent member of the organization will shoot them, then set a bomb nearby to destroy the liner. The device is comprised of three dozen sticks of dynamite and a rudimentary timer. Destroy the whole boat! Really! The octopus attacks the cruise ship, providing the good guys with an opportunity to save the day. Roy has yet another chance to fill Casper with lead, but wimps out again. Thankfully, the monster is just as fed up with the agent's vacillation; it obliterates the human antagonist. Now the problem is finding a way to kill the octopus.

Little love is lost between myself and the film. Undoubtedly, this is largely on account of the drubbing it visited upon my common sense gland. The annoying "hero" did not help either. Compounded with the atrocious moments of comic relief, the net result was something incredibly ugly. Were this movie a child I would quickly deposit it down the nearest well and dump in a bucket of jellyfish for good measure.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

If a bomb explodes on the second story of a building the ground floor windows will blow out first.
Watermelon vendors should always purchase insurance.
Russian satellites are capable of landing on the beach to take pictures.
Visitors aboard submarines dress in uniforms, minus the rank insignia.
The first sonar ping returned by a cephalopod is always one hundred and eighty degrees off.
Submarines carry mines disguised as noisemakers.
Bulletproof vests are made out of Kevlar, vice cotton, for a reason.
Watertight doors are equipped with windows.
Octopi have long and prehensile tongues.
Deactivating a bomb that has a "stop" button is surprisingly difficult.

Stuff To Watch For:

7 mins - She is a little young for Roy.
12 mins - I would like to point out that the fat old guy is outrunning you.
18 mins - Damn! He has some good binoculars.
23 mins - How did she lose her panties before the shorts, tank top, or bra?
30 mins - Excellent shelf space available. There is just one thing missing. What could it be?
31 mins - Bars or dividers to keep everything from sliding off in rough seas, of course...
55 mins - "Crushed... ...like a crab?" Maybe he should eat at Red Lobster less often.
56 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST THE OCEAN'S BOTTOM!
68 mins - What killed them? Hellloooooo?

Quotes:

Lisa: "Are you really some kind of super spy?"
Roy: "No, no, that's just Shaw talking. I'm trained as an analyst."
Roy: "Hey guys! We, uh, we gotta get out of here."
Shaw: "What about Casper?"
Roy: "What about the bomb? We got about six minutes."

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	octopus1.wav	Roy: "I'm better at Euro-Soviet economic relations than I am at smuggling microfilm. So what?"
	octopus2.wav	Lisa talking about the sea monster myth.
	octopus3.wav	Roy: "You think I'm gonna have regrets?" Casper: "Of course, Roy. One of us has to and it can't be me."
	octopus4.wav	Casper: "No, not again Roy, this is disappointing! What a boring way to end this after all we've been through. You with a gun in your hand, but you can't fire, and me riding off into the sunset."

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	octopus1.mpg - 1.5m
	Lisa does the screaming, Roy stares in disbelief, and Brickman is dragged away by the awful CGI tentacle. Everybody is playing a part here, whether it is obvious or not.