GI SAMURAI
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| Not Rated
| | Copyright 1979 Toei.
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Lt. Iba - Power hungry Defense Force officer who always wanted to conquer Japan. Shot by Kagatori.
- Kagatori - Power hungry samurai who always wanted to conquer Japan.
- Yanno - Malcontent member of the Defense Force, tries to desert after they travel back in time. Gunned down by Lt. Iba.
- About Twenty Defense Force Personnel - In the end all are stabbed, sliced, stuck full of arrows, etc.
- A Horde of Medieval Japanese Warriors - No longer part of the breeding population.
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Arrggghhh! What looked like a promising piece of Asian film ended up being a worse choice than the raw puffer fish (carved by a man with eyesight problems).
Okay, a Japanese military unit out on maneuvers is caught in a time slip and transported back to feudal Japan. There they encounter different warring factions. Soon the men set about conquering their ancient homeland with the help of a powerful samurai and his army. Overall this sounds pretty cool doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?
Problem one is the fact that the film quality is horrible. A recovering morphine addict armed with a camcorder could probably do better (I'm not talking about a dubbed tape, but a retail VHS).
Problem two is that several crude attempts at character development are tried. However, after watching this movie three times I can only identify maybe four people.
Problem three: half the movie is a single battle scene! Don't get me wrong, I like watching warriors hacking at a tank with katanas as much as the other guy, but thirty minutes? It's amazing, it's incredible, and it doesn't stop until Lieutenant Iba fights his way to the enemy samurai's camp (alone, with a rifle and sword mind you) and kills the leader. Ugh.
Soon as the battle is over Kagatori shows up, kills Iba and some Japanese guy starts singing a hauntingly bad song. It must be their equivalent of "Feelings" or maybe "Stand By Your Man." A fitting end to this movie regardless. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Time travel kills watch batteries, but leaves all other electrical equipment alone.
- Never let a hyper samurai fire the machinegun.
- Sticks and stones may break your bones, but an arrow through the neck sucks.
- A man shouldn't tell another man, "I've changed my views of life ever since I've met you." or "I see a lot of myself in you." while wearing a thong.
- Tanks get fantastic gas mileage.
- Rocket launchers have zero back blast.
- Ninjas even spring around looking all martial artsy when they die.
- Modern Japanese officers are masters of horseback riding, archery, and sword fighting.
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- 4 mins - So this is how you do a time warp sequence with no budget...
- 9 mins - Maybe you should stop urinating in front of the Samurai.
- 15 mins - Fifty millimeter machinegun? No... ...more .50 caliber; fifty millimeter is a small cannon.
- 32 mins - My thoughts exactly.
- 35 mins - Stalked by bushes huh?
- 50 mins - That was a smoke or marking round.
- 59 mins - Tank vss several hundred footmen.
- 68 mins - Why exactly did you all split up?
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | gisamurai1.wav
| (Siren, then chuckles) Kagatori: "Metal horse made a funny noise!"
| | gisamurai2.wav
| Soldier: "Lieutenant, we're in a time slip, transported back hundreds of years."
| | gisamurai3.wav
| Old Woman: "You're like my grandson, but he's dead."
| | gisamurai4.wav
| Samurai: "So you are the famous Yoshiaki Iba. I heard that you're invincible."
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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