HIGH SCHOOL GHOSTHUSTLERS
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| Unrated
| | Copyright 2001 TokyoPop and Mixx Entertainment.
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 16 May 2001.
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- Emi - Dad is a professional exorcist, so she is blessed with a natural ability to sense and dispel spirits.
- Kyoko - Her solution to any problem is punching or kicking it. This doesn't always work against non-corporal conundrums.
- Mayu - Well, there had to be three girls, so here is the third.
- Mr. Shimado - Student teacher by all appearances, constantly pimping out the ghosthustlers in some way that benefits himself.
- Yuki - Shimado's girlfriend who doesn't give him enough loving until a horny ghost takes over her body. Unfortunately it is a male ghost, but I didn't have the heart to tell him.
- Emi's Father - Loony fellow that has great power over the netherworld.
- Bunbei - Erotomaniac spirit and the ringleader of this existential orgy.
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Usually I hate labeling a film as ripping off another, but in this case it begs to be slapped with every bumper sticker available. Obviously "Ghostbusters" would top the list of ingredients, but "Shivers" and any one of numerous Japanese Hentai flicks would also appear. You see it coming don't you? Pure and unadulterated crap, hurled at the inside of your TV screen.
First clue is, of course, the opening scenes. After several minutes of credits eerily floating into nothing are accompanied by several minutes of piano music a female student leaps from the school roof. Cut to Kyoko bungee jumping in her uniform while the other two consume long corn dogs in the foreground. Shift back to the girl answering gravity's call. Her descent from a three-story building takes about twenty seconds (maybe it just felt that long) before a crowd of onlookers gather at the point of impact and discuss the recent suicides. Back to corn dog munching and "girl on a trampoline in reverse." Comedy Central must be a big hit in Japan.
And so the paranormal research club is tasked with discovering if the suicides are being caused by malevolent spirits. No police, no investigation by concerned school officials... ...don't yell at me; I'm just the messenger. They had to find some way of justifying the club's existence, particularly when you realize a large room at the school is set aside for three girls.
The cause is reminiscent of a Scooby Doo adaptation. The janitor is sexually molesting girls, then hypnotizing them into walking off the roof. Attempting the same routine on our darlings just earns him a severe beating, but the reoccurring theme has been set. Invariably the movie's specters are only after one thing: a little piece of fresh tail. At one point we find out this is because all men will sexually harass women unless they are properly educated. Wow. So, are the girls ghostbusting or ball breaking?
Between using an Ouija Board and compass to triangulate where power points are located and special tarots to dispel ghosts (spades of the dead) the budget is painfully obvious. The girls even have modified vacuum cleaners that suck in and purify spirits! Wouldn't you use a wet/dry vac or HEPA cleaner for such a purpose? No matter, the only reporters who take interest in three real ghoul stoppers are five members of the high school newspaper. No budget; this movie has no budget!
Bear with me on the pain (what the hell am I talking about, you didn't even watch this miserable film); we're nearing the end. Onin High is the scene of a climatic showdown between the ghosthustlers and a bevy of erotomaniac wraiths. In addition to ethereal dangers there are small hooded leeches that enter women (you know where) and drive them to acts of sexual depravity. Kyoko and Mayu strap on their vacuums while Emi takes up a stick with paper streamers attached (good Lord, this movie's budget is probably on a milk carton somewhere) for the final confrontation.
Ever since leaving the age of compulsive learning I've been uncomfortable with seeing girls in school uniforms as sex objects. It is entirely true that twelve years ago they were my only sex objects, uniforms or not, but those days are past. Seeing poorly articulated tentacles or creepy crawlers running wild on them might be the memorable part for some. For me the experience was pure pain and only heightened by the ghastly performances. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Newton's Law of Gravity does not apply to Japanese schoolgirls.
- Jogging is a universal sign for the urgent need to urinate.
- Ghosts can be trapped inside pet rocks.
- A soul weighs exactly twelve ounces.
- Lesbianism is caused by demonic possession.
- Poltergeists are people who died without getting laid.
- Evil spirits can grow in size so quickly because they are little more than balloons filled with blood.
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- 4 mins - This piano music is maddening. Either it stops or I'm going to jump off a tall building.
- 5 mins - I guess that she had the same idea.
- 16 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 16 mins - When is the last time you saw a boy saying that to a naked girl?
- 26 mins - If these two are really having sex then he is a Japanese version of John Holmes.
- 40 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 48 mins - Ewwww! Stop that you disgusting thing!
- 51 mins - If the cleansed souls had little score displays over them this would be a Nintendo game.
- 57 mins - At least they have not ripped off of "Aliens" yet.
- 58 mins - Spoke too soon...
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | ghosthustlers1.mpg
- 2.6m
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| The girls show up just in time to stop some ghosts who were sexually harassing the students. The one on the right sure looks like Gene Simmons if you ask me.
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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