GAMERA VS GUIRON
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| Rated G
| | Copyright 1969 Daiei
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Gamera - Everybody's favorite jet propelled turtle and protector of all children, even bald ones.
- Akio - Young Japanese boy who believes in aliens, especially after they shave his head.
- Tommy - American boy who can hit a button with a suction cup pistol from ten yards. Oh, and by the way Tommy, your mom is woof-dog ugly.
- Tomoko - Akio's little sister, she's smart enough not to get on board flying saucers.
- Kondo - Goofy police officer.
- Barbella and Florella - Two outer space chicks who love to eat brains, especially fresh young ones. Barbella zaps her friend then gets in the way of a stray missile.
- Gaos - Huge bird monster, chopped into stir fry by Guiron.
- Guiron - The solar system's largest paring knife, broken in half by Gamera.
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Gamera has fought some darn silly opponents, not the least of which is this one. Take a Bulldog and strap the largest kitchen knife you have to it's head, that's Guiron. (Actually kids, do not strap a kitchen knife to a Bulldog's head - though I honestly doubt any court would hear your case, our judicial system is pretty whacked at times.)
Akio and Tommy find a flying saucer, so they climb aboard and start fooling with the controls. When it lifts off Tomoko is left wondering what to tell mom, while the two astronauts are experiencing some mild anxiety, until Gamera shows up. The big turtle comes motoring through space, propelled by flames from his rear end, intending to take the kids back home. The saucer has other ideas, leaving Gamera behind and bringing the boys to an advanced world guarded by Guiron.
The planet's (it's on the mirror side of the Sun from us) only inhabitants are a pair of space women who plan on eating some fresh brains, then fleeing to Earth. It seems that a horde of Gaos are slowly destroying their world and the planet climate control system is degenerating to boot. I tell you, when it rains it pours. Lucky for Akio Gamera arrives just in time, the two cranium craving coeds were ready to split his newly shaved grape and dig in.
Unfortunately for Gamera he wasn't quite ready for an huge rubber carving knife to come jumping at him (Okay, I'm here and... ...WHAT IN THE HECK IS THAT?), he tumbles into a nearby lake after being pummeled. Following a brief rest we see the overgrown Macroclemys Temminckii back for more, and putting Mary Lou Retton to shame! He's kinda shaped like her too.
Dubbed Kaiju films are always a blast and this one is no exception, plenty of goofy lines to amuse you. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Advanced civilizations have perfect driving records.
- Toy sucker cup shooting pistols are pretty powerful.
- Japanese police shave little kid's heads when they are bad.
- Gamera likes to drag race.
- Monsters cause water to flow uphill.
- Aliens talk in fast forward.
- Huge monsters know how to use throwing stars.
- If somebody will not wake up you should punch them in the forehead.
- Turtles are naturally agile and experts on the parallel bars.
- Gamera has a sexy butt... (Hey, they had to show it to me.)
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- 4 mins - What about Uranus? (Hehe, um, silly joke - sorry.)
- 12 mins - Is that kid wearing thigh-high socks and daisy dukes? Who dressed him? Did RuPaul go back in time and dress him?
- 16 mins - Now these are some awesome special effects.
- 21 mins - Earth is a planet, not a star, you moron.
- 28 mins - Nothing like an inconspicuous BLINKING ORANGE security camera.
- 30 mins - Are those neon hula-hoops?
- 48 mins - What are you kids drinking, it sure isn't milk.
- 60 mins - You know, they really should have a big "Beware of the Dog" sign or something.
- 75 mins - What is that blinking belt thing of hers anyway, a fertility meter?
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- Kondo: "Remember, the next time, if you are naughty again, I'll shave your heads!"
Kids: "Ewww."
- Barbella: "And we can't waste any time, because while they are sleeping we'll eat their brains raw."
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | gamvsguiron1.wav
| Guiron roaring.
| | gamvsguiron2.wav
| Akio: "What a superior civilization. You know, I looked in my telescope every day, and I thought there'd be a perfect planet, without work, or wars, and traffic accidents, and I've been believing it up to this day."
| | gamvsguiron3.wav
| Barbella: "Let's eat the kids later, and let's fix the spacecraft first."
| | gamvsguiron4.wav
| Scientist: "Gamera is heading this way with a spaceship in his mouth!"
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | gamvsguiron1.mpg
- 2.8m
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| Gamera on the parallel bars, can he stick the landing? You can reach down and pick your jaw up now. Stuff like this happens all the time in Gamera movies.
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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