|FLESH GORDON MEETS THE COSMIC CHEERLEADERS
|Copyright 1990 Filmvest International
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 14 June 2003
- Flesh Gordon - This is why you should never mix watching Tae Bo workouts with porn.
- Dale Ardor - She looks good in white.
- Dr. Jerkoff - Wearer of the mind boggling argyle codpiece. He has an unhealthy sexual interest in chickens.
- Babs, Candy Love, and Sushi - The cosmic cheerleaders who are happy to support their teams' needs.
- Robunda Hooters - Leader of the cheerleaders. She came up with the idea of kidnapping Flesh.
- Queen Frigid - Separated at birth from her sister, Mimi. Her favorite dish appears to be little more than a bucket of cake icing.
- Master Bator - The requisite mad scientist. Considering this movie's focus, it should come as no surprise that he has a sexual fixation. He plans to chop off Flesh's renowned manhood and sew it onto Evil Presence.
- Evil Presence - Wants to impose impotence upon the universe, but spends most of his time running around in a black sheet and cowl like some sort of confused Klu Klux Klan member.
|I finally decided to review this film after spending two hours staining some cabinets. With adequate ventilation, the process can still leave you a little loopy. Even with that minor addition to my mental state, it only took a few minutes before I elected to add a generous quality of alcohol. This movie starts with the sex and scat jokes early and lays them on thick. Huge butts, a giant set of male genitalia, and even a tribe of talking stools (not the ones you sit on). All right there, on the screen. Egad.
It should also be noted that if they could make something look like a tit, they did.
The opening starts innocently enough, with a number of stylized spaceships flying across the screen. Innocent except for Flesh's ship from the original movie. You may remember that it resembled a male organ. From the song playing, we can be fairly certain that the hero always gets the girl. Anyway, Flesh is trying to land his ship while three nubile women are attempting to distract him. Despite the floozies, he does land and a monster attacks. We soon find out that the entire sequence is being filmed for a movie, because Flash ruins the scene and the director freaks out. To escape the tirade, Flesh goes outside. Dale promptly hits him with her car (woman driver), whereupon three scantily clad cheerleaders place a mindf**k helmet on his grape. The dubious girlfriend tries to object, but the cheerleaders make off with the unconscious hero. We see a red and white rocket, with "SCREW" painted on the side, clawing its way to escape velocity. Mrs. Ardor dashes to find Jerkoff and save Flesh.
Now, why would a bunch of horny cheerleaders want Flesh? They want any virile man! In fact, I wonder if these are the same horny cheerleaders who keep sending me spam. Not to get sidetracked (because who knows where we would end up), the cheerleaders need Flesh's help to save their planet from male impotence. Evil Presence used a strange raygun to deflate their world's erections; now the girls are terminally frustrated. During this part of the movie, Dale and Jerkoff brave any number of dangers, while Flesh is buried under a squirming pile of nymphomaniacs.
The cheerleaders were the spirit squad for their school's codball team. What is codball? Imagine a bunch of guys in leotards with two foot erections. Now watch them whack a bowling ball around with their schlongs. I think that I know why a veteran codballer might have a problem sustaining blood flow to his manhood.
Jerkoff's ship, which is intended to look like a breast (but looks more like an onion), becomes trapped in an assteroid field. Yup, you guessed it: dozens of stone butts farting in outer space. The situation is compounded by a flaming comet heading directly for the assteroids. To prevent annihilation, the two grease up a number of corks and fire them into the flatulent sphincters. There is one extremely unnecessary POV shot, from inside, as a cork hits the bull's eye.
This is all true, swear on my mother's grave. And if you do not believe me, go rent the movie yourself. I hope it gives you a rash.
The indignant girlfriend and Freudian nightmare of a doctor do finally rescue Flesh. At that exact moment, Evil Presence attacks. Dale is frozen inside a huge condom and whisked away on the airship. Flesh and Jerkoff give chase, but crash in the middle of a field of grassy breasts. There they encounter a huge set of stop motion male genitalia. It is a gay alien (it throws a bar of soap to make Flesh bend over) and the determined creatures sets out to shove that (about six feet thick) in Jerkoff's there (substantially less than six feet in diameter). The two heterosexual heroes dive into a cave that resembles a... ...oh God, what am I typing?
Inside the cave is a slide. Flesh and Jerkoff ride it down and find that the Korova Milk Bar has been remodeled. Dozens of grown men are dressed as babies, while topless women serve them a variety of milk drinks. The women are all endowed with large breasts. At this time the cheerleaders finally catch up to Flesh and Robunda offers a truce. Meanwhile, Babs and company discover that many of the regressive patrons are members of the missing codball team.
Dale is having a less enjoyable time in Master Bator's laboratory. Along with cold bitches, dog men, random Pinocchio beatings, and an octopus that eats a lot of fish, she is subjected to brainwashing. Evil Presence enjoys watching his plaything crawl on the floor, her mind imprinted with a cross between Dorothy and Toto. Honestly, the things some actresses will do for money.
Accompanied by Robunda, Flesh and the doctor navigate a five mile long rectum. Just when you thought it could not get any worse, they meet the turd people. Actors dressed in round suits, with brown stuff smeared on their faces. There is a whole shit society! Even a little kid dressed up as excrement! At this point, I realized that the movie was doing the cinematic equivalent of wallowing in its own sick. My distress became worse when Chief Diarrhea announced that the turds were going to eat Flesh and his companions. Quick thinking by Jerkoff saves the day; he gives the crap people some Exlax chewing gum. They all start screaming, "Bowel movement!" and run out.
Time to pause and catch my breath. Sex joke after sex joke, innuendo used like a sledgehammer, and bad scat puns! I actually laughed out loud the third time Jerkoff said, "There's oxygen on this planet!" (He does that every time they crash somewhere new.) Why? Because it was a well placed bit of parody and, for once, had nothing to do with an orifice on man, woman, or chicken.
And the movie is still not finished. Flesh and the others have yet to reach the frozen fortress of Queen Frigid and Evil Presence. A whole new torrent of bad taste follows that milestone. I will let you discover the outcome on your own. Be warned: it is like watching a train wreck (if the train was full of dirty mags, used porta-potties, and synthetic phalli). The most frightening thing is that, despite everything, I find the movie slightly entertaining.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Being struck by a car is not always a bad thing.
- A sufficiently large bra can be used as a parachute.
- Breasts outlast any other body part on a woman; even bones disintegrate first.
- Semen closely resembles cream of wheat.
- Every man wants to marry his mother (minus the facial hair).
- Aptitude in history class is directly related to penis control.
- Sometimes being the hero means sleeping with a fat woman.
- Having your groin crushed by a villain sucks. This is especially true when the bad guy wears a hydraulic gauntlet.
- I am not even going to attempt to count the number of RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS.
- 8 mins - Frankly, that we made it this far before a "Uranus" joke surfaced is surprising.
- 34 mins - Ahhh! Naked man ass!
- 37 mins - Evil Presence's ship reminds me of "Laputa" (Miyazaki would probably disapprove.)
- 45 mins - Oh, my goodness! A huge gay... ...words fail me.
- 73 mins - Flesh almost slipped and that would be been real ugly.
- 88 mins - And this is what it is like to be buried under a heaving mound of woman.
- 95 mins - Somebody has been filming my dreams again.
- Ending Credits - "Detroit Special Effects Unit." This explains any number of questions.
- First Floozy: "No, he promised me I'd be next."
Second Floozy: "Flash, if you come back, I'll that thing you like so much. You know, the one with my toe and the pickle."
Flesh: "Ladies, control yourselves. We are on a mission."
- Flesh: "If you're holding me for ransom, you're wasting your time. All my friends are broke."
Robunda: "We don't want your money, just your virility."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Evil Presence: "You laugh at the Evil Presence now, woman. But once I get Gordon's sex hammer, you'll beg to be pounded by me." |
Queen Frigid: "Hahahaha! I kinda doubt it."
||Bator: "Take her downstairs! I'll deal with her later." |
Cold Bitch: "Yes, master Bator."
Bator: "How many times do I have to tell you, it's mister, not master. You cold bitch!"
||Evil Presence: "How many times do I have to tell you to stand still when I hit you? And stop using those big words!" |
Bator: "Yes, your assholiness!"
||Robunda: "You, as the possessor of the virile force, must make love to the Queen." |
Jerkoff: "Dale - Dale, she's right. It must be done." (Aside to Flesh.) "Rumor has it she's quite a piece."
Flesh: "Doc's right, Dale. I'll only stick it in halfway."
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Flesh stumbles into the trap laid for him and Dale is kind enough to blurt out the entire plan. Thanks, great help now that we have fallen for the trap. A simple, "It's a trap!" would be been fine.
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