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ELVES - 1 Slime
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1989 Elves Productions Ltd.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Kirsten - Blonde girl who is the perfect virgin for an elf to breed with. Perfect why you ask? I don't know, she's got average looks and brains. Maybe it's just being a seventeen year old vigin...
  • Mike - Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams)! (Remember the guy with the bear...) Used to be a cop but now down on his luck. There is maybe one scene where he's not smoking a cigarette.
  • Kirsten's Grandfather - He was a member of the Nazi Party and created the elf. Shot by other Nazis.
  • Amy - Fairly attractive girl that likes to show off her body. Shot in the head by Nazis.
  • Brooke - Another girl who is dumb as a post, stabbed to death by the elf.
  • Mom - Kirsten's of course. SERIOUS BITCH. Electrocuted.
  • Willy - Kirsten's brother, has this nasty habit of watching his sister get naked.
  • Doctors O'Connor and Fitzpatrick - Two professors who know about the Nazis infatuation with elves.
  • The Elf - Creature created by the Nazis to breed the master race, can you imagine an army of midget Hitlers?

Buy It!

The Plot: 

My first and foremost complaint with this movie: there's ONE freaking elf! What the heck? Not only that, but they didn't use a kid or dwarf wearing a suit, they go and make top and bottom halves. You would think it was done that way so the elf could have all sorts of neat facial expressions, but oh no... can barely move.

What happens is Kirsten, Amy, and Brooke have this weird ceremony in the woods and bring the elf back to life. Soon Santa's little killer is knocking off bit part actors, including a department store Santa. Hot on the heels of that death toll are the Nazis though, grandfather's old friends know the elf was resurrected and want to help it mate with Kirsten. Nazis created the elf you see, and a perfect virgin will give birth to Aryans after it lays her. (I didn't write it, don't get mad at me.)

Now Mike, he's this out of work guy who is really nice. A walking lung cancer ad, but really nice. Anyway Mike takes over as the department store Santa and has some thing for Kirsten. This hugely tangled plot comes to a head when the girls have a sleepover in the department store where Kirsten works. Mike shows up, the Nazis show up, and of course the elf shows up. After that the story gets really amusing as Mike rushes around learning about the Nazis' secret elf program to save Kirsten.

All of the incredible dialog about elves and Nazis didn't save this film, the lighting was often poor and the death scenes dull.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Witches bemoan the commercialization of Christmas.
  • Killer elves are nearsighted and eat toads.
  • Toads can be found climbing trees in December (northern climes).
  • Santa can tell if the toys you ask for are on sale.
  • If you need to drown the cat put it in a pillowcase then into the toilet.
  • Girls like to show off their bras in department store restaurants.
  • The Dewey Decimal for occult books is 666.
  • Department stores keep handguns loaded and in unlocked display cases.
  • Dispay counters are bulletproof.
  • Noah's Ark had elves on board.
  • Spraining a blonde's ankle will completely incapacitate her.
  • Killing an elf is like dropping bad acid.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 3 mins - Look lady, first of all "girls" can't be the "master race." It would be the "master gender" you rube.
  • 7 mins - Shower scene! Pan down! Lower I say!
  • 11 mins - Willy is bleeding from a cut on his shoulder and everybody just wanders out?
  • 16 mins - Nobody notices a demonic elf meandering through the department store?
  • 17 mins - Stabbed in the crotch... death.
  • 19 mins - Mike gets evicted from a camper! You have hit rock bottom.
  • 39 mins - Somebody go and turn off the store alarm, jeez.
  • 45 mins - How many bullets do these guys have?
  • 59 mins - Kirsten, your grandfather is your father too? Yuck!
  • 75 mins - Why does she have to run? You're kicking the crap out of the last Nazi.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note elves1.wav Kirsten: "We're girls remember? We're the master race."
Green Music Note elves2.wav Detective: "Guy tries to feel you up, you slap him, words are exchanged, he's found dead a few minutes later with his nuts cut off. What should I think?"
Green Music Note elves3.wav Mike: "I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis."
Green Music Note elves4.wav An explanation of the elf's mating habits (very silly).

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 



 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipelves1.mpg - 1.7m
Watch in horror as the barely mobile elf attacks this department store Santa's crotch. Is it just me or does this guy look a little thin and young to be Santa?

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2 3
Reply #1. Posted on April 10, 1999, 11:33:45 AM by NetFrog Alpha
Incest, nazi conspiracies, killer elves, Grizzly Adams... why? There are just some things out there that defy reason. Watch it if you're in the mood for something stupid-yet-still-takes-itself-way-too-seriously.
Reply #2. Posted on August 15, 2002, 06:34:58 PM by Dan Haggerty Jr.
Elves good...dan haggerty good....santa loves oral....good...ELVES...good...FIRE BAD!!! Pops, ya did a good job.
Reply #3. Posted on December 19, 1999, 08:29:44 AM by Legolas
I´m afraid, that creators of this movie don know european mythology enough... All Liósalfar in alfheimr must be very furious ´bout that.
Reply #4. Posted on August 24, 2000, 04:42:28 PM by D.A.F
This film stunk up my VCR worse than any other horror movie i've ever watched. and as implied in the review, there was only one elf! It should have been called "Nazis!"
Reply #5. Posted on September 25, 2000, 11:18:16 PM by peter johnson
The same director -- Jeff Mandel -- who made this used a lot of the same people in another bad film: ROBOC.H.I.C.  How a bad movie site such as this can find things like "Barn of the Blood Llama" & not do something on ROBOC.H.I.C. is beyond me.  I was in that film -- I play Gimp, the Satan's Onion.  Burt (Batman tv's Robin)Ward, Kathy Shower, Jack Carter, Phil(Firesign Theatre)Proctor, & a few other familiar faces.  Please review Robochic!!  It is just MADE for your site!  1990 from AIP.  Find it now!
Reply #6. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Bizz
I saw this in high school, and I ahve never recovered. The version I saw did have boobage.  Kirsten's mom in the tub just before she does the electric boogaloo. THis movie inspires me to seek funding for films starring my old toys. Look for STRETCH ARMSTRONG VS> HE MAN SANS HEAD. SUMMER 2002.
Reply #7. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by marta serrat
Hi. I'm from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and I would like more things about the director Jeff Mandel. Jeffery Mandel is the same?
Marta Serrat
Reply #8. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Brian McGuire
This film should have been called "The Making of Chris Graham". Young Willy the eventual elf slayer is a good friend of mine and just the other night as we were walking through a small video rental shop in Aurora, Nebraska he said "hey guys I'm in this movie!". Since Chris is such an honest guy, sometimes too honest, we belived him completly and paid the three dollars to rent it. I think this movie is one of the best comedies I've ever seen, especially due to the budding comedic genious of Chris Graham. It has some of the most choice lines in a comedy I've ever seen "Oral, Santa said oral!". "How many teeth ya got?" blam hits him in the face "How many teeth ya got now?". Then the guy quickly shoves something into his mouth and spits out shaving cream. But one of the best parts is when Chris insists that it was a "f***ing ninja troll" then as the adults leave he calmly goes back to bed believing that the adults were right and it was just his cat. Awesome comdey, awful horror flick.  
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