DAY OF THE WARRIOR
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1996 Skyhawks Films Inc.
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Willow Black - Female commander of L.E.T.H.A.L.
- Tiger - Shae Marks! (Did some nude centerfolds a ways back.) The definition of more back pain through surgery.
- Tyler - Tiger's man, always envious of the gun some other guy is using.
- Cobra - Blonde, her mammaries are only surpassed by Tiger's.
- Doc - Cobra's man, he can't shoot.
- Shark and Scorpion - Two operatives, both are wounded and pass blissfully from the film.
- Fu - Martial arts master and Elvis impersonator.
- Jordan - Willow's man, part of the branch in DC.
- The Warrior - Ex CIA agent who has gone bad.
- Kim - Broad shouldered female working for the Warrior (there are a few meanings to that).
- Manuel - Henchmen to Warrior; shot by Kim for one reason or another.
- JP and Chaz - Inept hitmen hired by the Warrior.
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Few things can scare me nowdays, Shae Marks' breasts are one of those things though. You laugh, they intimidated me, they intimidated Katie (the spouse), and in a fight against them I'd lose. If there ever was a movie which was not a porn, but featured loads of busty women with their tops off - this is the one.
L.E.T.H.A.L. (Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law) is a secret law enforcement agency based in Dallas, Texas. Hot on the trail of a powerful criminal called "Warrior" who smuggles diamonds, deals in stolen art, and has a porn company they run into a snag. Not Shae Marks trying to fit in a compact car either; it's a breach of their personnel database that compromises the safety of four agents.
Cobra had infilitrated the diamond smuggling operation and barely escapes with her life when Willow's warning beacon alerts her to danger. The hitman posing as her pool guy is quickly dispatched by the lotion wearing blonde. (Probably distracted by her bosom.) Shark and Scorpion are seriously wounded by JP and Chaz, but the evil dudes flee when Willow and Fu arrive. Meanwhile Tiger and Tyler fly deep into the southern Texas wilderness and easily free Doc from Warrior's men.
Still with me?
Warrior likes to dress up as an American Indian and slay his enemies with his bare hands using professional wrestling moves. To this end he has Willow and Fu kidnapped. Only the fortunate arrival of the others prevents a massacre.
There are exactly three, count them three, jokes about "I've got to get something off my chest." of which two are followed by women dropping top. Tiger employs a number of expoding tip weapons, from crossbow, to rocket launcher cane, to Tyler - if she touches it, there's a bang. And Fu, who is incredibly Japanese, has to be the worst Elvis impersonator.
Now most women (hey, it's the 90s) are not going to enjoy the film quite as much, but guys may chant during the opening credits, "Show me the silicon!" |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Dallas has zero flat chested women.
- Asking a California girl her GPA is like saying, "Show me your tits."
- Japanese Elvis impersonators are not very popular.
- Breasts can be frightening.
- Breasts can also be martial arts weapons.
- The sounds in porn films are fake! (I'm shocked!)
- Most women wear a bathing suit in the shower and keep a pistol handy.
- Pagers make excellent magnetic tracking devices.
- Disneyland is prime real estate for hookers.
- Corregated tin is bulletproof.
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- 3 mins - Wow! There is a naked girl dancing during the opening credits! Hey, Alan and Rob!
- 10 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SHACK!
- 11 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 12 mins - No way those are real.
- 22 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 29 mins - Can that plane fly with her breasts on board?
- 38 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN OWL!
- 69 mins - I'm certain they don't see your car parked in the middle of their lawn.
- 71 mins - Acting!
- 76 mins - Willow, seen those faces before? Maybe they were shooting at you?
- 82 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 92 mins - Any reason you two are both holding the pistol?
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | daywarrior1.wav
| Tiger: "Everything I touch has a way of exploding."
| | daywarrior2.wav
| Tyler: "That son of a bitch has got a big gun."
| | daywarrior3.wav
| Warrior: "My whole damn Vegas operation is up in smoke now."
| | daywarrior4.wav
| Willow: "I've told you a thousand times, you've got to think positive!"
Warrior: (bellows)
Fu: "I'm positive we're going to get killed."
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | daywarrior1.mpg
- 2.9m
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| The end of the big "Battle Royal" scene. Of course, there is just one more "I've got to get something off my chest" joke.
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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