|COOL AS ICE
|Copyright 1991 Universal City Studios Inc.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 16 December 2001.
- Johnny - Vanilla Ice! Kleptomaniac whose cumulonimbus hairdo is without equal.
- Kathy - Girls always fall for guys that almost paralyze them. She has lots of fish in a little bowl with no filtration system. Well, we know who is keeping the local pet shop in business.
- Tommy - Kathy's younger brother. He is addicted to Super Mario Bros. and Tecmo Bowl. Weren't we all?
- Sir D - Johnny's friend who has a Milli Vanilli/USMC haircut.
- Jazz - Dude's bike breaks down, so his friends start cracking the fat jokes. Tough day to be Jazz.
- Princess - Okay then.
- Mae and Roscoe - Bumbling owners of a motorcycle repair shop. Pretty darn good at reading a manual.
- Mr. Winslow - Michael Gross! Kathy's father and a proud member of the witness protection program. All considered, his stomach must be one big ulcer farm.
- Nick - At first glance he appears to be the perfect boyfriend for Kathy, but looks can be deceiving.
- Two Bad Guys - Corrupt police officers. God, for shame, I do not even know their names.
|Following an unnecessary music and dance opening credits sequence, which features Naomi Campbell singing (!), the plot and our characters start rolling. Be prepared for the inserted music videos; they make up an impressive bulk of the film. One would think that people burst into song all the time.
Where was I? Oh yes, Johnny and his crew mount up on their motorcycles at the end of the day and start a road trip. While motoring, he notices Kathy riding horseback along a fence parallel to the road. Deciding to introduce himself to the lovely lady, he jumps the fence with his motorcycle and lands directly in front of the animal. Predictably, this startles the horse, causing it to throw Kathy. The fact that there was no ramp or other incline to facilitate the jump never occurs to the indignant girl (he should have crashed through the fence). She is too busy yelling at the complete moron. Johnny, for his part, seems surprised at Kathy's reaction. Most sane people will agree that it is understandable when she leaves in a huff.
Jazz's bike breaks down in the middle of the street, bringing the plot to a staggering halt. Rather than move their rides aside so that traffic can pass, the four sit there while Johnny pokes around. People eventually start beeping and yelling until Ice and his companions give them "we are going to kick your ass" looks. Thugs! These are the people we are supposed to commiserate with and they are inconsiderate thugs! It made them finding Mae and Roscoe's repair shop all the sweeter.
Coincidence (yeah, right) placed Kathy's house just down the street from the "tastefully" decorated garage, meaning that Johnny has a chance to accost her and Nick. Nothing of importance happens, although, it does give the rapper a chance to house Kathy's organizer. Meanwhile, the evening news airs an entire segment about Kathy and her family. I realize that Mr. Winslow is proud of his daughter, but two things that do not go together are being in the witness protection program and appearing on a regional news broadcast.
The two villains notice their old buddy on the news. Within twenty-four hours their ominous black car is parked in front of the Winslows' home! They are not big on subtlety, in case you missed it. What dumbfounded me is that Mr. Winslow knows they are out there! I think that he called the authorities, but nothing happens. The entire reason Kathy's parents changed their names and residence was to be safe from these two men. Is it just me, or is something funny here?
Johnny and friends visit the local dance club and hijack the stage, giving him a chance to dance with Kathy. This looks serious. I am agog! I am aghast! Is Vanilla Ice in love at last? Hehehehe! (Apparently the lad is besotted with the girl.) The dirty dancing makes Nick jealous, providing another opportunity to expose his true colors. Nick is, in all honesty, a poor little rich jackass. It isn't his fault; he's written that way.
The bad guys trail Kathy, who is walking home after the tiff with Nick, but Johnny rescues her like a knight out of legend. He drops her off at home, then returns to the club. Well, Nick and some friends are vandalizing Sir D's bike with baseball bats. In the resulting fracas Nick's nose is broken and Johnny takes on at least three people armed with bats while barely breaking a sweat.
Kathy wakes up the following morning to find the lyrical Romeo in her room. Nothing overt happens, besides him jamming a piece of ice down her throat (I kid you not). Johnny just wanted to return the organizer, plus spend the day together. They ride off on his bike and hang out at a local construction site. The motorcycle angle is really pushed in this movie, because, you know, Vanilla Ice used to race them. *COUGH* Whatever, suffice it to say that Kat (he nicknamed her) is totally in love with the hero by day's end.
Due to some unfortunate circumstances, Mr. Winslow thinks his daughter's new beau is a cohort of the two bad cops. He lays down the law to Kathy when she gets home, informing her about Nick being hospitalized and generally discouraging a relationship with Johnny. Normally you would expect the daughter to be defiant, but we are denied the treat of watching Kat and her father pick a bone in the street. Acting totally out of character for a girl her age, she sides with daddy and tells lover boy to get lost.
The bad guys kidnap Tommy in a bid to extort money from Mr. Winslow. Stand back and realize how stupid this approach is; anonymity is a moot point (except to us, the audience) and kidnappings are investigated by the FBI. They are supposed to be ex-cops for goodness sakes! The ransom tape of Tommy reading from a script was also recorded within earshot of a rhythmic and identifiable sound - the construction site. No wonder you two were kicked off the force. You're idiots!
Having recognized the background noise, Johnny and his crew mount up. The kidnappers notice the searchers, but pay the group no mind. That is their final mistake as motorcycles come crashing through the walls and a short fistfight ensues. Okay, a few things are wrong here. Somebody at the contractor's office must have been paying off the local building inspector, because the studs are at least three feet apart. Also, I had the distinct impression that the kidnappers were looking out of a second story window. You know what? Skip it, this movie is over and the wretched of the earth (you, me, the other viewers) can rejoice. The bad guys are delivered to waiting police and Kathy gives her heart and soul to Mr. Winkle, at least for the night.
In retrospect, my first warning was the movie's tagline. To wit: "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." Those two sentences illustrate a frightening ignorance of the basic physical laws governing our existence. Don't argue with me that the intent was to sound hip, because I have never had any sort of tolerance for such nonsense. Look at me, not even an old man yet and already becoming cantankerous. Must be the company I keep.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Automotive worklights have built-in microphones.
- If you are in the witness protection program then avoid being interviewed on the evening news.
- The correct term is "driving a horse."
- In the early 90's there was no such thing as wasted space on a jacket.
- Lawn sprinklers are an effective intrusion deterrent.
- Once a girl finds another girl's phone number in your pocket you will never hear the end of it.
- Vinyl couches are lawn furniture.
- Corvettes make for excellent jump ramps.
- 3 mins - Bees!
- 7 mins - Hmmm, a counterfeit license plate.
- 32 mins - This is an improvement over the other band?
- 35 mins - Notice all the white cars... ...almost as if the filmmakers were trying to say something.
- 48 mins - That was a confusing edit.
- 61 mins - Just for fun I would like him to say that she was the illegitimate child of a hooker.
- 79 mins - Moron fails to realize that the flashlight is going to give away their hiding place.
- End Credits - "b kool stay n skool" Yikes!
- Mr. Winslow: "Nick wound up in the hospital last night. Seems your friend put him there."
Kathy: "Did you do that?"
Johnny: "Yeah, whackhead tried to play baseball with my homeboy's bike."
Mr. Winslow: "Get inside, I'll handle this."
Kathy: "But dad..."
Mr. Winslow: "Inside!"
- Johnny: "So what are you going to do college girl?"
Kathy: "Well, I don't know. You know, college doesn't start tonight, smartass."
Johnny: "Then let's G O."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Johnny: "Yeah, you hit pretty good for a girl." |
Kathy: "Yeah? Well, coming from a big, macho biker like yourself, I'll take that as a compliment."
||Johnny: "Words of wisdom: drop that zero and get with the hero."
||Mrs. Winslow: "Can I help you?" |
Johnny: "Yeah, I'm looking for Kat."
Mrs. Winslow: "We don't have a cat."
Johnny: "Kathy, your daughter."
||Johnny: "So, what's up fellas?" |
Nick: "Little batting practice on your bike."
Johnny: "Not mine, Sir D's."
Nick: "Who's Sir D?"
Johnny: "My homeboy."
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Kat was enjoying a splendid afternoon outing when Johnny dropped in. First, tell me how he jumped the fence, rather than crashing through it. Second, what if she had urged her steed into a gallop at just that moment? Several hundred pounds of motorcycle (oh yes, and Ice) landing on your head makes death a real possibility.
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