|HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS
|Copyright 1988 American Independent Productions Inc.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Jack - Private detective.
- Samantha - Linnea Quigley! Young girl who joins the chainsaw cult to avenge a friend's death.
- Mercedes - Michelle Bauer! Chainsaw hooker who loves Elvis, loses in chainsaw to chainsaw combat.
- The Master - Gunnar Hansen! Weirdo who created the chainsaw cult, Samantha runs a gas powered one through him.
- Lori - Psycho chainsaw hooker who gets arrested.
- Hermie - Wormy guy who likes to photograph hookers, hit in the head with a bat then chopped up.
- Jake the Bartender - Another cult member, a very dour man.
|What can I possibly say about this movie? The whole gist is that some whacko "Master" dude creates a religious cult for hookers involving chainsaws. To get a little more specific, you have private detective Jack Chandler looking for a missing girl. Well, he stumbles across Mercedes and the girl he's looking for (Samantha) at the same time. Unfortunately Mercedes drugs him and he narrowly escapes with Samantha's help. Turns out the hot young lady isn't brainwashed after all, she's out to get revenge on the cult for killing a friend. Soon the inept detective and girlfriend are back in trouble, Jack is going to be sacrificed by the ritually drugged Samantha! Lucky for him she shakes it off in time to save the day. Guys are going to like this film a good deal more than most gals, come on - it's nothing but naked woman chopping up guys with chainsaws. The death scenes involve a "choppie" eye view of the "chopper" with blood being splashed on her, so don't look for anything elaborate. I've got a hearty respect for Sears
after this one.|
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Never give freaked out hookers chainsaws.
- Hookers really like Elvis.
- Cops use chains and padlocks on prisoners.
- Men love pictures of naked women holding baseball bats.
- Us guys do not enjoy a girl sucking on our nipple if she slices it up with a knife first.
- When a woman talks back to you headbutt her.
- You just don't ask a woman, "How's it hanging?"
- Egyptian religion involved the ritual use of chainsaws, thousands of years before the first internal combustion engine of course.
- Always keep your chainsaw full of gas.
- 6 mins - A warning not to play with chainsaws before sex?
- 9 mins - Wait, start the movie then cut to opening credits? Who thought this up... ...oh heck, it's "Fred Olen Ray" - hold on everybody!
- 18 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 19 mins - A naked woman chopping up a guy while listening to Elvis?
- 28 mins - Who dressed this fool? Somebody chop him up please.
- 33 mins - Thanks hooker lady, that guy needed chopping.
- 63 mins - Jack, are you a private detective or Indiana Jones?
- 66 mins - What exactly are they offering to the Egyptian gods here?
- 73 mins - Hehehehe! Dueling chainsaws.
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Jack expressing his feelings about "The City of Angels."
||Police Chief: "What's the matter, chainsaw got your tongue?"
||Jack: "If my head wasn't hurting so much I'd a sworn I was in heaven, heaven for guys who like big tits."
||The Master: "I think it's time somebody cut you down to size Jack."
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
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