Cavegirl B-Movie Review

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CAVEGIRL - 2 Slimes

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 10 February 2007

The Characters:

Some of the names are based on my best guess. The movie is a low-budget 80's film, with cavemen who talk in grunts; cut me some slack.
Rex - Imagine if Jay Leno had enough baby fat on his face to encapsulate his chin. Good, now give him a stupid-looking hat.
Eba - 25,000 years ago, there was one attractive blonde girl. She lived in California.
Argh - Chief of the tribe who wears a dead coyote on his head.
Saba - Also referred to as "that wooly cavewoman." Was she in The Trial of Billy Jack or am I confusing her hair with hippies in general?
Aka - In a word: floppy.
Dar and Char - The other male members of the tribe. One is able to produce nose goblins of astounding size. The other laughs and hoots at the boogers.
Ralph, Brenda, Hank, Casey, Bill, and Karen - Teenagers that go to the same school as Rex. Their primary form of entertainment is torturing the big nerd.

The Plot:

Rex is the type of dork that only exists in bad movies about teenagers. He stays up all night building a plastic model of a Homo erectus skull, just to be put down and jeered by other members of the class. He tries to ask out a girl he finds attractive, but keeps tripping over his own tongue until she pours her milk on his shoe. Last, but not least, he fails to notice that some prankster scraped the "WO" off of "WOMEN ONLY" on the entrance to the locker rooms and suddenly finds himself being chased by a herd of jiggling breasts, owned by girls who want to beat up the nerd who dared to enter their domain. Yes, we had a dork like Rex in my high school too, which still does not explain why so many movies contain such a character.

By the way, I was proud to notice that one pair of breasts showcased in the locker room belonged to Michelle Bauer. This might be startling, but I am only an acolyte when compared to a long-lost friend named Steven Thomas. Steve could often identify a female actress by her breasts alone. Not impressed? If applicable, he could then tell you what month and year she appeared in Penthouse or Playboy. Steve was the kind of guy "The Man Show" would kill to interview.

A group of students pick Rex as their target for pranks and ridicule. They do everything to him. If not coating his chair with glue, they are dropping cherry bombs into the portable toilet he is using, or donning Halloween masks to wake him from a nap on the bus. Funny, that last prank is not something you would normally do to someone you dislike; it seems like a friendly joke. What they should have done is shaved his eyebrows. Jocks and other leaders of teen society do that to nerds, right? I seem to remember geeks walking around my high school without any eyebrows...

Have you gotten the idea that Rex's life sucks? It takes a turn for the better when the class departs on a field trip to see cave paintings found by miners. Separated from the group as he tries to recover items from his backpack that was stolen and then ransacked by his peers, Rex stumbles upon a huge crystal. Touching the crystal causes a strange sound and luminescence. It also interferes with a secret government missile test going on nearby. Hard to say exactly what happens, but I think the helicopter-launched ordnance hits the cave. The explosion causes Rex to travel back in time to the late Pleistocene. He is knocked unconscious in the process and wakes up disoriented on a rocky hillside, oblivious that Einstein is screaming from his grave.

By the way, the professor in charge of the field trip fails to take a head count before they enter the mine. As a result, he does not notice that Rex is missing. Whenever you have a group of people, especially during an excursion into the wilderness or a cave, make sure to count them often. Failing to follow that simple rule gets people killed, and not just in bad movies.

While exploring the primitive countryside, Rex encounters Argh, Dar, and Char. Without his glasses, which were broken during the time travel mishap, he mistakes the cavemen for some of the other teenagers. He realizes his mistake when they start growling and wisely runs away. The cavemen react to Rex behaving like prey by racing after him. The actors playing the cavemen all step gingerly, because running around on rocky ground in your bare feet is painful to modern man.

After escaping from the primeval lynch mob, Rex falls asleep. He is discovered by Eba, who wakes him before trying to chew on his stick deodorant. For some reason, the pretty little cavegirl takes a liking to the dork from the future. Must be his ability to make fire on command (waterproof matches). What are you going to do when the matches run out? Huh? Huh? Wish that you had brought a magnesium fire starter as your primitive blonde goes looking for her next big shot visitor from the future, one with a full book of matches?

The unlikely pair takes up residence near Argh's tribe, though they make sure to pitch camp beyond the range of thrown rocks. There is a funny scene here with Rex narrating, while the tribe members grunt and toss stones across the ravine. The aggressive behavior by the other natives subsides, rather suddenly, allowing Rex to observe primitive man's social and hunting habits closely. Timenerd also devotes a lot of effort to teaching Eba modern English, mostly coaching her to ask things like, "May I sit on your face?" though she constantly collapses into giggles, refusing to finish the sentence in spite of Rex's desperation.

In the interest of furthering his knowledge of the female body, Rex builds a bed for him and Eba. The makeshift lovenest centerpiece is just a couple of logs, but I guess it would beat having sex on the ground and landing atop an ant mound or cactus. The little chief is interested in what Rex and Eba are doing and makes several attempts to spy on them from a close vantage. Each time that Argh is nearly there, he loses his grip and falls into the ravine. When I was probably thirteen, I used to pal around with another young man named Michael Spence. He would literally collapse in laughter at Argh's screaming tumble into the ravine. If anything, I laugh during those scenes because I always remember Mike cracking up and someone else being overcome with mirth is a sure way to start me chuckling. Oh yeah, when the rainy season hits and Rex puts up a tarp, it becomes another hazard to Argh's continued existence.

Those who have not experienced the majesty that is "Cavegirl" might be wondering if Eba's innocence is still intact. Well, not due to lack of effort by Rex, but yes. All of that changes when the two nearly lose each other. Nothing so exciting as a bear attack, volcanic eruption, or even marauding cannibals (those come later). Rex wakes up after a rough night in the rain and finds he is alone. He wanders in search of Eba, though why he goes looking for her in areas previously unexplored is a mystery. Eba is similarly searching and it is her keen sense of smell that detects Rex's deodorant upwind. The two see each other, for the first time in several hours, and are soon wrapped in a gleeful embrace. Wait, she is backing up, taking off her top, and then pulling her soon-to-be lover atop her on the moss-covered bank of a stream. Scream in horror my friends, because the nerd is getting some from the perky cavegirl.

My previous comments may have been harsh. To any dorks out there: if you manage to travel back in time, avoid being eaten by a large carnivore, clubbed to death by a Neanderthal, or die from exposure, and successfully woo a beautiful blonde, I think you earned it. However, soon as you return to the present, I am going to pull the tag on your underwear up over your head - while they are being worn.

Meanwhile, while the nerd is finally experiencing one of the true joys of being human, Argh and the tribe are beset by a hideous demon. They find Rex's flashlight and accidentally switch it on. The frightening glow causes them all to hoot in alarm as the chief bashes it with a rock. Unfortunately, the flashlight is an indestructible survival model. The tribe is so completely distracted by the task at hand that they are caught by surprise and captured by cannibals. Soon afterwards, Rex and Eba run afoul of the bone-wearing antagonists, too. He is bashed in the head, while she is dragged away to become an appetizer. To save his true (yet primitive) love, Rex is going to have to reach deep into that pack of wonders he keeps relying on.

Viewers looking for a serious story about a dork from the future falling in love with an attractive cavegirl and influencing human evolution should probably look somewhere else, but I cannot give you any advice where to start. To come clean, this movie is one of my guilty pleasures. I will say that the young lady playing the cavegirl, Cindy Ann Thompson, has a beautiful way of smiling. There is also a certain innocence about the ultimate "giving in to love" scene between her and Rex. While she does remove her top, the encounter is mostly kissing, instead of the wild pawing that characterized Rex's earlier attempts. It reminds a guy of being young and with a girl. What it was like to get that first kiss, wondering everything about her and what the heck you were doing. At least, it does if you were at the right age when you first saw this movie.

In parting, I would like to say that I have no explanation for the soundtrack. Overall, it is ten times better than what you would expect for a movie like this, even though every song is so amazingly 80's that I cannot believe they are for real.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Somebody stole the Airwolf prototype too.
Krazy Glue is available in aerosol form.
Nerds should always pack extra underwear.
Blonde cavegirls had perfect teeth.
For some reason, the ugly gene remained dominant in a few branches of the human family tree.
Shaving cream was the catalyst for early social development.
Mountain lions hate having their picture taken.
Properly applied, a rock can solve most problems.
Encounters between cavemen and trampolines rarely have happy endings.

Stuff To Watch For:

5 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
6 mins - You know, I have had dreams like this before.
9 mins - I think you accidentally mixed up your model kits.
24 mins - Does your mother often wake you by sniffing your pits?
31 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT! Ewwwwww.
34 mins - Oh no, not those again...
55 mins - Rex needs to get laid, just so he will stop annoying me.
57 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A FLASHLIGHT!
62 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
63 mins - You go boy! Get with that prehistoric lovin'!
71 mins - And just how many spare batteries are available for that walkman?

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	cavegirl1.wav	Eba: "Anathia chapvia anachachia na!" Rex: "Anna...funny! You wouldn't happen to speak English, would ya?" Eba: "Anthfeanya." Rex: "Anthia...yeah, that's what I thought, um..."
	cavegirl2.wav	Rex trying to teach Eba to say, "May I sit on your face?"
	cavegirl3.wav	Rex: "With all the sex and violence, I decided to write a book."
	cavegirl4.wav	Rex telling Eba the story of the Three Binchas.
	Theme Song	Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	cavegirl1.mpg - 2.5m
	Eba tries to teach Rex her language. A "bincha" is an animal. In this case she is describing a bear. Some of us used to recreate this scene, yelling, "Bincha! Grrrr" and shaking our heads, then doing it again with even more emphasis.