|CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON
|Copyright 1953 Z-M Productions
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 29 July 2001
- Laird - The undiplomatic leader of America's first trip to the moon. He always goes by the book, no matter what happens. Upon encountering a situation not covered by the manual he mucks through it with little finesse and then scribbles notes in the margin so that next time it'll be in the darn book.
- Kip - Copilot who likes to work problems over in his mind, then pull out a gun and shoot them.
- Helen - Mission navigator and Laird's girlfriend. She really loves Kip, but why are the men fighting over her?
- Doug - Young man full of wild oats to sow and being trapped on a world full of cat-women in leotards sounds like planting time. Unfortunately he picks a girl suffering from osteoporosis of the skull to fall in love with.
- Walt - Greedy schemer who wants to make a fortune by selling moon memorabilia and doing commercials after his return. Stabbed in the back (literally) while swooning over a cave full of gold.
- Lambda - This cat-women is in heat! Roowwllll! To bad she didn't have nine lives.
- Alpha - Cruel leader of the feline females. She has plotted the conquest of Earth for ages, but didn't count on us inventing gunpowder before rockets and gyroscopes. Shot by Kip.
- Generic Cat-Women - When nobody is watching they perform dancing rituals that emulate childbirth.
|What is probably one of the last things you want to do with the three members of a love triangle? Does cramming them all into a small space for an extended period of time and equipping the spurned man with a loaded revolver sound like one of your ideas? Good, you and I are operating on the same wavelength. The person in charge of this moonshot is insane, unless the mission's real objective was to study the behavior of hemoglobin in zero gravity.
Mankind's first rocket to the moon has just started its journey when things go wrong and I'm not talking about choosing Sonny Tufts as the commander. A hurtling meteor strikes the ship and ruptures nitric acid tanks stowed in the lower working areas. Okay, at least the stuff can be used as propellant, but why did they have it inside the crew quarters? Maybe the ship required manual refueling before their return trip. That's my best guess.
Engineers had obviously known that storing caustic liquids inside would have some pitfalls; the rocket is equipped with a handy "nitric acid leaking" warning light. Laird reacts quickly to this by trying to flood the contaminated section with water, but the system is jammed. Hold on! WATER? Does he want to dilute it or something? Buddy, if you are trying to neutralize the stuff before it explodes then open that section to space or douse it with lime. The situation looks completely hopeless until Kip scrambles to put on a protective suit. With the other crew members' help he opens the hatch and clambers down into the chamber. Then the brave copilot grabs a CO2 fire extinguisher and puts out the acid!
Sorry, that wonder of movie science just about made my sides split and spill equally amused intestines all over the couch. It's not on fire, but spraying nitric acid with carbon dioxide fixes everything? Prevent an explosion yes. Neutralize the acid? I think not. Somebody correct the MSDS sheet on that spaceship, it must be woefully inaccurate.
With the crisis averted the mission can continue. Helen has been acting a little strange and continues doing so by providing coordinates for a landing zone on the dark side of the moon. She then leads them along a seemingly predetermined route through a barren landscape populated only by stalagmites. How in the world did those form? Water, laden with minerals, has to drip from the ceilings of caves for those to form. Where is the ceiling? Heck, where is the atmosphere for the water to form in? We are briefly distracted from this quandary when a flaming meteorite nearly hits the five astronauts. It only leaves behind more questions though. Why didn't it make a crater in the matte painting? How was it burning when there is no atmosphere? Who didn't say their prayers this morning and thus annoyed God into throwing meteors at these people?
The sole female leads the others into a cave where they make a startling discovery: their boots have suddenly become heavy. From this they deduce that the cave has atmosphere and light a match to verify their hypothesis. Hopefully you see it coming, because all of them strip off their spacesuits and stand around with big goofy grins on their faces. Once again I found myself wondering who chose this particular group to man the first moon rocket.
Dangers are lurking in the cave though. Big ones with hair, eight eyes, and poison fangs. Yup, the cave is inhabited by giant moon spiders that are intent on scaring the porridge out of Helen. She naturally screams and runs away, while all the men thump their chests before tackling the huge arachnids. Were I Laird then my first action upon seeing a spider bigger than me would be telling Kip to start shooting (hoping that he uses all his bullets, including the one with my name on it). Trying to punch and stab it to death would be the last resort. The film is out to make me a monkey's uncle; nobody is bitten during two close encounters with the monsters! In the confusion their suits mysteriously disappear.
Who took the suits? Why, the cat-women of the moon of course. They also make a brief attempt to overpower the men, but fail and start backtracking immediately, explaining that they were only scared of Kip and his firearm. Helen is taken aside by Alpha for some more brainwashing, revealing to us that the cat-women can control other females with no problem. Males are strangely immune to the telepathic influences, frustrating Alpha to no end. The cat-women are desperate to learn how to operate the rocket, escape their dead world, and conquer Earth. Our planet would be their play toy! Billions of women serving as dominated slaves and mankind's industry focused on producing expensive couches that they can leisurely scratch to pieces. And don't forget catnip! America's heartland would no longer grow wheat and corn; instead it would become the feline version of Amsterdam.
Delicious food and drink are served to the visiting humans to allay their suspicions. Surprisingly this works as each man is distracted by his particular weakness. Except Kip, since his desire is Helen and she is (figuratively) purring and rubbing up against Laird. A freak accident occurs when the lonely copilot grabs his commander's girlfriend's hand, briefly breaking the spell cast by Alpha. Words pour out her: "I really love you!" and "The cat-women plan to kill you all and take the ship!" Naturally Kip responds with, "What was that first thing again?" Lucky for mankind (I'm really not into building furniture), Lambda falls in love with Doug and helps to stop her leader's evil plans.
The bottom line is that subsidized health care has fewer problems than this movie. Unlike noticing the doctor removed the wrong arm, this is sort of fun. Even the lengthy description on the DVD cover (inside) is amusing. They broach the idea that Einstein's and other great scientists' achievements were placed in their minds by cat-women (to speed up space exploration). Maybe that is what Albert was trying to tell us when he described how a radio works.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Military cots are not the most comfortable things to experience high G Forces in.
- You can yell through a vacuum.
- Cigarettes burn extra fast on the moon, mainly due to the fact that there is no oxygen to retard the flames.
- Curiosity doesn't only kill cats.
- The lost continent of Atlantis sank beneath the waves and ended up on the dark side of the moon. (It has to do with tidal forces. Go ask a physicist to explain it.)
- Earth's sole natural satellite is covered with precious metals.
- Being struck lightly on the head with a styrofoam rock will kill you.
- 5 mins - The first thing she does is pull out her compact and start primping. I guess those stereotypes are accurate.
- 9 mins - Metal gym lockers? Hehehehe!
- 14 mins - Watch the screen here. Hey Laird, stop talking to your girlfriend and pay attention to your driving!
- 28 mins - Nobody sees the giant spider that is lurking only a few feet away from them?
- 32 mins - Just because the coals are cold does not mean it has been centuries since a fire burned among them.
- 38 mins - I have this ugly image of Laird feeding his copilot grapes. Stop lying there like that, Kip, it's obscene!
- 54 mins - That's not Doug! That's Walt! The cat-woman called him by the wrong name! Hahahaha!
- 57 mins - You do understand that this process involves lesbianism and one of them somehow getting the other pregnant, right?
- 63 mins - Who else would be calling on this channel?
- Kip: "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe this is atmosphere?"
Laird: "On the moon?"
Kip: "Could be why it's so hard for us to walk. Where there's atmosphere there's got to be gravitational pull to hold it."
- Walt: "You're too smart for me baby. I like 'em stupid."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Kip: "Believe me baby; if I ever fell in love with you I'd chase across the world, around the moon, and all the way stations in between."
||Laird: "You mean she just guessed it was there?" |
Kip: "If she could guess a landing spot on the dark side of the moon, I suppose she could guess a cave."
Laird: "What are you driving at?"
Kip: "I dunno, but I'll guarantee it isn't in the book!"
||Doug: "Where are your men folk?" |
Lambda: "You're the first man I've ever seen."
||Kip: "Helen, what's the matter?" |
Helen: "Danger Kip! They want to kill you; they'll take the spaceship and they'll make me go with them!"
Kip: "Well, how?"
Helen: "They can, Kip, they control me!"
Kip: "Control you?"
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Helen led Doug over here, away from the other crew, so that a cat-woman could jump him. Listen in amazement as the young man admits to not seeing his attacker, despite the fact that he had to be looking right at her!
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