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NOT OF THIS EARTH (1988)
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1988 Miracle Pictures
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 25 June 2008
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Before I even put the DVD into the player, I knew that this movie was going to be a nuisance. The case cover says, "Traci Lords is...not of this Earth." Traci Lords is Nadine, a nurse (I am sure it was not the first time she played a nurse). She is completely human. It would be more accurate if the tagline was, "Traci Lords is...not underage anymore." There is also a creature depicted on the cover that does not appear in the film, even including the implausibly injected footage from "Galaxy of Terror," "Star Pilot," "Humanoids from the Deep," and other Roger Corman films.
I just spent the entire first paragraph pointing out that the cover is wildly innaccurate. Great, it is going to be one of those films.
Nadine is assigned by Dr. Rochelle to care for a man who has a strange blood condition. Mr. Johnson's problem is that he requires regular blood transfusions to survive, because his blood is breaking down. So, Nadine arrives at Mr. Johnson's mansion, where she is introduced to Jeremy. Talk about a little weasel. Jeremy is a small-time crook turned full-time chauffer and all-around flunky.
Wait a minute! Traci Lords dressed as a nurse, older man with sunglasses, young chauffer, big mansion - I know where this movie is going!
Bump - chaka - wa - wa!
Except, it doesn't. The story's focus is Mr. Johnson's real purpose on Earth: collection samples of human blood. You see, the tall and darkly dressed fellow (he looks like a Blues Brother imitator) comes from a world ravaged by nuclear war. It is a highly advanced civilization, though obviously not highly enough advanced to avoid pressing the big red button (you know, the one with "everybody dies" on it). Anyway, the Blues Brother from another planet spends a lot of his time sucking the souls out of hapless fodder. After their souls are gone, Mr. Johnson goes to work. He carries around a metal suitcase that contains an apparatus for quickly draining the blood from a victim. Somebody needs to tell the guy that the average person contains six quarts, because it looks like the vampiric alien only harvests one or two quart containers from each subject. You call that efficient? Give that machine to the Red Cross; the blood supply shortage will be over in no time.
Whatever you do, do not let a lawyer get their hands on the blood-sucking machine, even if the lawyer regularly does volunteer work for the Red Cross.
Eventually, the civil chaos consuming Mr. Johnson's homeworld boils over into ours. Meaning that one blonde woman, who also wears sunglasses, appears and immediately receives an unauthorized transfusion. Quite a pity that the stolen quart of blood was infected with rabies. Mr. Johnson's friend perishes from lethal acne (that's what rabies does to you), and the alien vampire resorts to desperate measures to save his blighted world.
Depending on the sex of the actor, the performances are either decent or terrible. Overall, the men played their parts fine. Arthur Roberts as Mr. Johnson was enjoyable, and Jeremy's character is an acceptable weasel. All of the women are bad. Traci's acting is a mess, but in her defense, Mr. Johnson picks up three hookers who are the absolute worst actresses in the film - meaning that they are notably excruiciating.
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| Things I Learned From This Show: | |
|  | Curiosity almost killed the chauffer.
| | | The secret to spit-shining your shoes is to use a pancake instead of cloth.
| | | Hundreds of vacuum cleaner salesmen could disappear and the only people who would notice is the chimney sweeps.
| | | Testing an animal for rabies requires a blood sample of at least one quart.
| | | Alka-Seltzer is available in a vitamin enriched raspberry flavor.
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| | | 1 min - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
| | | 22 mins - Man, those old Norelco cordless shavers sure were huge.
| | | 32 mins - Traci Lords is "The Keymaster" (bet you thought she was going to be "The Gatekeeper").
| | | 47 mins - Every member of the cast was treated for acute wallpaper poisoning.
| | | 64 mins - For what? She doesn't have any eyes!
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| Jeremy: "How you doing, baby? It's nice to see some new talent around here."
| Mr. Johnson: "You are not dying. I am dying."
| Mr. Johnson: "It is finshed. Do you feel relieved?"
Alien Woman: "I feel disturbed."
Mr. Johnson: "The blood of this planet is rich."
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