SPACESHIP
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| Rated PG
| | Copyright 1981 Almi Films
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 24 January 2001
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- Captain Jamieson - Leslie Nielsen! The only horror awaiting the captain of an advanced spaceship is boredom... ...and being mistaken for creature kibble.
- Officer McHugh - Cindy Williams! Spunky little lady in charge of morale on board the ship. Laverne is conspicuously missing, she must suffer from airsickness or something.
- John the Trainee - How low on the totem pole is he? Mopping the deck, now that's low.
- Rodzinski - A stellar example of cabin fever, though he would look comfortable on top of a tractor. Eaten by the monster.
- Dr. Stark - Blindly going where most scientists have gone before, into the creature's belly.
- Max - Imagine having a stubborn disc jockey for your ship's computer, not good.
- The Creature - It may not have been very nice, but it sure could carry a tune. Blasted out of the airlock.
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Did you ever want to see a cross between The Green Slime and "Alien," with a healthy dose of Leslie Nielsen? Well, your prayers are answered! (You people pray for some strange stuff.)
"Vertigo" is an exploration ship, carrying on its mission of scouting new worlds and providing a safe place for Rodzinski to develop terminal cabin fever. The crew is cursed, as many others in deep space movies are, with a single female cast member. Honestly, even with rational human beings, who is going to stick a single woman on board for any prolonged journey through the stars? Let us just say the ship's supplies would need to include "Ten (10) drums, saltpeter: for use as a spice."
While investigating a planet they find a small lump of jelly (I don't know if it was a midsummer's morning, nor is anyone carrying a towel) and take it aboard the ship. It soon grows into a one eyed red people eater and escapes into the myriad of passageways.
The great thing about having a spaceship with dozens of identical corridors is making the sets. Say you have one scene in "Corridor 4, Section 33" and right after that another which takes place in "Corridor 11, Section 68." These are, in addition to dozens of other locations, all different. Sounds like a major construction project, doesn't it? Here is what you do: use the same set, just change out the wall plate that displays the corridor and section numbers. Make sure to hide this from the local carpenters' union.
Jamieson heroically recaptures the creature by using his tranquilizing laser, thereby setting up for the film's real saving grace. Attaching air hoses to a cap upon the monster's head allows the crew to hear its thoughts. In his best Sinatra, maybe Bacharach, impression the creature lovingly croons out "I want to eat your face." Swear on my scout's honor, even though I may not be one.
Our talented beast eats Stark, then escapes once more, then it eats Jamieson and Rodzinski before succumbing to a final song and dance performance by the remaining crew. I'd have hit the airlock button myself when faced with that doozy.
My hat comes off to Jamieson for one scene, he is playing "Space Invaders" with the monitor upside down. That completely freaked me out, in fact, I bet that one of the tortures waiting in Hell is this very same exercise. Another one of those tortures is going to be John's cooking though. The generic description of astronaut food is hardly appetizing to start, unless you like squeezing something with the consistency of spray cheese into your mouth and tasting beef. Everything on board the ship is synthetic in nature, first place the powder into a bowl, then add water and microwave. The cook is quickly rewarded with flavored pudding. Eat up, it's chicken! Yum...
There is no way to describe the acting, other than God awful. That was the goal, but they hit the nail on the head a little too well. John even appeared to have been a trainee at acting, perhaps he should've tried directing and seen how that turned out. Couldn't be any worse than this, right? |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- People on intergalactic voyages still receive their monthly magazine subscriptions.
- Duck should not look like pudding.
- We are darn lucky that the "Dirty Harry" movies stopped when they did.
- You probably don't want to know what a bug eyed alien is thinking.
- Sometimes a song's lyrics really do matter.
- Mechanics are always in possession of a pornographic magazine.
- Airlock consoles have built in tape players.
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- 6 mins - Ultraman stock footage? I think? (David Fullam assures me it is from the closely related "Spectreman.")
- 9 mins - Add a few flaccid clocks and it's Salvador Dali's home planet.
- 16 mins - That is a really interesting ship, never seen something like that before.
- 22 mins - Obviously she was not brought along for her scientific skills.
- 25 mins - A lost scene from "This Island Earth?"
- 40 mins - No, no, no! You all have to split up and search for the creature separately.
- 60 mins - The only thing this scene is missing is someone ringing the dinner bell.
- 65 mins - You're supposed to be chewing that Rodzinski, not eating it.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | spaceship1.wav
| Jamieson: "Max, what course are we on?"
Max: "It's a far out course Captain, deep into the cosmos and headed into infinity. Hey, I like that!"
Jamieson: "Why on Earth did they ever make these abusive and emotionally unstable computers?"
| | spaceship2.wav
| McHugh: "Remember, a major part of our training was to remain asexual."
Rodzinski: "I am asexual: a sexual fiend!"
| | spaceship3.wav
| McHugh: "If I were being attacked by a pack of wild subterranean bush pigs, and you possessed the only bush pig blaster in the universe, I would not want your company!"
| | spaceship4.wav
| McHugh: "Let's just hope that Dr. Stark is in a better world."
Rodzinski: "He's in that thing's stomach is where he is!"
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | spaceship1.mpg
- 2.7m
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Dr. Stark sets out to prove, for once and for all, that the creature is not hostile.
(Unfortunately, he is DEAD WRONG.)
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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