|Copyright 2004 Marla's Gardens Company
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 20 June 2010
- Marla Collins - In the middle of a divorce. She has a few habits that should set off warning klaxons in the heads of interested suitors. One, she still wears her wedding ring. Two, she works with her soon-to-be-ex. Three, she is known to keep her soon-to-be-ex in the trunk of her car.
- Nathan Collins - He helped to create a batch of highly intelligent great white sharks that like to eat nubile young women. Idiot! You are about to get divorced. Stop depleting the dating pool.
- Lawrence Van Allen - He is a little person with a big desk and a Napoleon painting. Oh, and I think that he must shop at a Carter's outlet for his pants.
- Avery - The corrupt assistant who sells out the Blue Demon program to make a quick buck. He really needs to comb his hair. Meaning all of it, including his chin.
- Mel - OMG! She can chirp like a cricket. That is so cool. OMFG, she gets chomped!
- RSH - Random Shark Hunter. Where the hell did he come from? Where the heck did he go?
- Harpo, Groucho, Chico, Gummo, Zeppo - The Sharks Brothers. Yes, the film refers to them as such. Do you think I would stoop to making puns like that? I don't; at least not lately.
- Red Dog - The biggest and worst behaved member of the Blue Demon program. Marla thinks that he is the coolest. Personally, I do not think it is cool when my pet shark does not do what it is supposed to do. That gets me angry at the shark, and it makes me want to stick a nuclear bomb in the fish's mouth, set the timer for twenty minutes, and immediately flee via a personal jet so that I am well outside of the minimum safe distance when Mr. Fishy Discipline Problem turns into a physics experiment.
- General Remora - Why is an Air Force general in charge of a marine biological weapon program? Vaporized.
|Films that begin with a group of sorority sisters challenging a pledge to do something stupid make me cringe. It's not only the fact that anything, indeed everything, required to join a sorority (or fraternity) involves monumental stupidity. It is also that I recognize the college students for what they are to the screenwriter, which is a deus ex machina. "Let's see, how do I kickstart my monster movie? Who would break into a secret government research facility where scientists are creating super sharks? Eco-terrorists? No, I used them last time. North Korean spies? Maybe...no, the only thing North Korea seems to be good at is starving its citizens and acting absurdly bellicose. College students! That's it! I'll send in the college students!"
Oh, bother. Why doesn't anybody ever send in the clowns? I'd love to see a bunch of clowns sneaking into a government laboratory and releasing some sort of space monster that NASA found on the moon.
Considering the level of risk that most sorority pledges commit themselves to, just to win the prestigious title of Tau Beta Sigma, I am surprised that so many women survive the initiation and go on to earn the real reason that they went to college in the first place: a BA, MPA, or Ph.D. The girls who we meet during the opening minutes of "Blue Demon" are no exception. They proceed to a local lake, cut through a government fence marked with warning signs, and instruct their sorority's single pledge to swim out to a buoy. Hesitant at first, the young girl finally strips down to her bra and panties and jumps in. Halfway to the buoy she starts screaming that there is something in the water.
What you are thinking is that the hapless pledge is about to become super shark chow. Nope, her already being undressed and in the water is a red herring. The military police show up, and one of the other girls gets eaten when she tries to escape in a boat.
Despite the sudden departure of one cricket chirping sorority sister, we are still not certain exactly what ate her. Yes, it is some sort of super shark, but the devil about the blue demon is in the details. Does it have lasers? Is it capable of walking upright on land like a man? Can it beat a dolphin at chess? Fortunately, the Collins' are forced to brief their boss, Mr. Van Allen, about the Blue Demon project. This brief is obviously months overdue, because Lawrence has no clue about the status of the project of which he is the head administrator. Truth be told, I am not impressed with the Blue Demon program. The sharks are genetically engineered great whites with computer chips implanted in their brains. The genetic engineering makes them smarter (supposedly) and able to live in salt or fresh water. The computer chip allows the scientists to tell the sharks three commands: GOTO, EAT, and NO EAT.
Fantastic, FORTRAN sharks. Just what the world needs.
After telling Van Allen what they have been working on for the past year, both Mr. and Mrs. Collins return to their lab. The place looks like an office decorated for a Caribbean-themed frat party! There are novelty light fixtures, rubber fish hanging from the ceiling, and what look to be aquarium decorations on the walls. And there is an Omaha Steaks box on one of the desks. I suppose that the super sharks are fed 100% USDA approved beef.
"Dr. Collins, I am with the U.S. GAO. I'd like to talk to you about this invoice for two thousand gourmet burgers from Omaha Steaks. Now, about this note on the front page that says 'shark food.' Is that your writing?"
Things are not all peaches and kisses at Fort Collins. The marriage is on the rocks, and the divorce papers have finally arrived. Nathan is ready to pack it in, but first he demands that Marla return the wedding ring. It was his mother's wedding ring, and her mother's before her, and her mother's mother's mother (and so on, back into the mists of time). Well, if Nathan wants his dirty old wedding ring back, he can have it! Except that Marla cannot get the ring off of her finger, so she drives out to the shark dock to use the bar of soap that they keep on hand in case one of the great whites ever starts speaking and utters a dirty word. Through an unfortunate series of events, Marla ends up falling, mostly unconscious, into the water. There she floats, with the sharks circling.
You have got to be kidding me. The film just went through all of that contrivance to put one of the main characters in harm's way, and I could care less. Screw it. I hope that a shark eats her, and I hope that Nathan tries to save his estranged wife and a shark eats him. Heck, I hope Avery freaks out and tries to go for help, but then the car won't start because the sharks removed the vehicle's distributor cap. Then I want the sharks to eat Avery. Finally, I want the sharks to connect the Blue Demon facility to a water main, thereby flooding the building so that they can swim up the stairs and eat Lawrence as the little fellow bobs around in his suddenly waterlogged office.
I have some anger management issues with this film. I am dealing with them the only way I know how.
Of course, Marla does not become a super shark snack, because Avery and Nathan manage to fish her out. Instead of my dream ending to this film, what happens next is that General Remora visits the facility. He is the officer overseeing the Blue Demon project, and he wants to see results. The Russian government lost a number of small nuclear bombs. At least one is believed to be in the hands of terrorists who intend to use it against a target on the West Coast of the United States. The weapon is being sent by water, so the only thing keeping California Dreaming from becoming a Nuclear Nightmare is a super intelligent shark.
Really? A shark is our best defense against a terrorist with an atomic bomb? Won't the nuke be in a boat? Are they expecting some radical Islamist to swim from Afghanistan to California with an atomic suicide vest? Instead of breeding great white sharks that obey FORTRAN commands, wouldn't it make more sense to persuade potential militant Muslim marathon swimmers that God (Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, etc.) does not like it when we do stupid things?
Needless to say, blowing up ourselves, so that we can blow up other people, is indeed a "stupid thing."
Unfortunately, the live demonstration of the sharks' capabilities does not go well. The sharks are gone! Nathan is placed under arrest for releasing the sharks, even though he has obviously been framed. The security personnel grabbing Nathan caused me to say, "The Air Force has got you! Oh, you done now!" That caused my wife to laugh at an inopportune moment. She blames me for the unfortunate event, and from what I understand, there are quite a few fluids which are uncomfortable to come out of one's nose. What she was drinking was one of them.
Marla saves her husband by shooting the security guard in his penis with a tranquilizer dart. Yikes! Soon after, Van Allen finds the comatose man, but cannot bring himself to remove the offending dart (this is probably the funniest scene in the film). Meanwhile, the two scientists are using a tracking beacon to follow the sharks. The big fish are leisurely strolling down the freshwater lake toward the ocean. A man teaching his daughter to fish barely escapes, then a pair of young lovers taking a dip almost gets eaten. All of these people owe their lives to unbelievable events, the young lovers especially. Right before a shark gets the pair, the random shark hunter shows up with a speargun. RSH kills the shark, and that's the last we see of him.
Eventually, the rest of the sharks do reach the ocean. The scientists track their creations to a beach where surfers are catching some waves, but Nathan is unable to convince the surfers that this is a totally dangerous super shark situation before the killer fish attack. Chaos reigns supreme as Mr. Dr. Collins tries to get people out of the water, and Mrs. Dr. Collins tries to use her cell phone (yes, her cell phone) to send the NO EAT command. It turns out that Marla's 3G phone is too powerful, so she is forced to overload the sharks' chips in order to keep Nathan, who is flailing about in the surf, from becoming the marine equivalent of duck soup. Their brains fried, the sharks are killed instantly.
Except, what really happened is that Avery is working for General Remora. Avery let the sharks go, planted a fake program to mislead the scientists, and sent Red Dog the command GOTO 200 (WHERE 200=GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE). Red Dog was not at the beach, was not killed by the 3G phone, and is carrying one of the missing Russian suitcase nukes, because Remora is a right-wing nutcase who hates San Francisco. Fortunately, Marla is able to wipe out Red Dog's program and averts a hippie holocaust. The shark returns to its home base with the nuke. Waiting there are both General Remora and Van Allen.
The rogue officer dies when the nuclear bomb explodes, but Van Allen is unscathed. Thus, the movie continues its hateful treatment of my common sense. Wait, there is more! As they arrive at the courthouse to testify before Congress about the Blue Demon debacle, Marla reveals that she never filed the papers to make the divorce final. The Collins' are still married! Hooray! They start kissing, everybody is happy!
Except for me. I am the audience, and I am not happy.
|Radiation-Scarred Reviews is hosting a roundtable celebrating the 35th anniversary of "Jaws" - the movie that made people afraid to go in the water. Click on the image to read more shark infested reviews. |
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- The Home Depot is a threat to national security.
- It is easier to divorce your wife before she puts on weight.
- Podiums are just another tool that the Man uses to keep the little people down.
- Wonder woman is a mermaid.
- There are two kinds of people in California: surfers and friends of surfers.
- A box truck can out-accelerate a Saab 900.
- Surviving the detonation of a 6 kiloton nuclear weapon that is ten meters away is absolutely possible.
- Opening Credits - Unified Film Organi...oh fiddlesticks. Not these guys again!
- 7 mins - Did your grandmother wear those panties when she pledged to her sorority?
- 22 mins - Nice marker.
- 34 mins - I haven't been this excited since the time I fell asleep watching C-SPAN reruns.
- 38 mins - If that map is to scale then those sharks are really far apart.
- 56 mins - She is more manly than he is.
- 63 mins - Is that a zit on her boob?
- 64 mins - Well, what else could it be?
- 83 mins - What is a South Carolina Senator doing in California?
- Ending Credits - I cannot understand half of the words to the theme song. Did he just say "mortuary apocalypse?"
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Marla: "In a world that's mostly covered by water, we needed a new kind of defense. Just another fish in the sea, but we made a horrible mistake. We meant to take the next step in evolution, but we created a monster." |
||Van Allen berates the Collins' for the 3.5 college students.
||Gen. Remora: "Doesn't look like you have anything under control!" |
Nathan: "They're headed toward beaches. We have to warn people, tell them..."
Gen. Remora: "Tell them what? That a group of government sanctioned genetic experiments has gotten loose? No. If they found out the military was behind this, we'd be in a s**t storm of apocalyptic proportions!"
||Marla: "The signal might be a little weak, but if I can tap into the lab's transmitting, and then into this..." |
Nathan: "You're going to try to control six sharks with your laptop, a cell phone, and the car radio?"
Marla: "You know, that's your problem Nathan, you're always so negative."
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Watch in terror as the sharks create a panic at the surfing beach that causes people to flee back to their homes and hide in their bathtubs.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |
|Badmovies.org is owned and operated by Andrew Borntreger. All original content is © 1998 - 2014 by its respective author(s). Image, video, and audio files are used in accordance with Fair Use, and are property of the film copyright holders. You may freely link to any page (.html or .php) on this website, but reproduction in any other form must be authorized by the copyright holder.|