|PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING
|Copyright 1981 Chesham Investments
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Steve Kimbrough - Lance Henriksen! Local officer of the law, he seems to be a cross between the Coast Guard and a Sheriff.
- Annie Kimbrough - Marine Biologist and Steve's (Estranged? They certainly aren't doing well.) wife who works for the local resort.
- Chris - Annie and Steve's son who wants them to work things out, pretty good kid overall.
- Gabby - Jovial island fisherman, he's the type of guy that can toss a stick of dynamite (fuse burning) to you and get a laugh. Tries to stand up to the fish, lies down, gets eaten.
- Tyler - Government scientist who sleeps with Annie. Fish food.
- Raoul - Jerk manager of the hotel.
- Allison - Well developed young girl who gives Chris a taste of what the 80's are going to be like.
- Mrs. Wilson - Horny older woman. Ugh.
- A modest number of resort guests - Fish food.
- The Piranha - Those pesky guppies are back and this time they've been crossed with flying fish. Oh yes, you guessed it: prepare for a horde of fish suspended on wires...
|It is a crying shame that this movie is at the opposite end of James Cameron's directing career from Leonardo DieCrappo, I would pay good money to watch him run screaming from a flock of fish suspended on wires. Oops, I have upset the herd of Leonardo worshipping females - shut up, sit down. I loved the last thirty minutes of "Titanic." That would be the section where he is slowly dying of hypothermia.
On this quiet tropical island, we will just call it Jamaica, horror is about to unfold. A navy ship containing experimental Piranha eggs sank several months ago and now a new breed of terror will menace the beaches. Flying carnivorous fish, baby! (Hehehe!) Prepare to watch as meaningless people have their necks ripped out; every time the piranha attack it is right in the jugular. These things are not the most graceful flyers, mind you. Somebody needed to grab a bat or tennis racket and do some serious fish thumping.
Not much else to say about this mess. The plot is a serious muddle. I was just overjoyed with Gabby as a character. Point of fact: here is a imposing, but cheerful, Jamaican dynamite fisherman who builds a time bomb with his quartz desk clock and then gets killed after he attacks the Piranha with a torch. Whew...
|Things I Learned From This Movie:
- Never have sex while scuba diving, it upsets the fish.
- Ugly women can drown in three feet of water.
- Piranha instinctively go for their victim's throat.
- Jamaican nurses are tough hombres.
- Half eaten bodies get women in the mood.
- Making out under a waterfall isn't as fun as it sounds.
- Fish have rhythm!
- Piranha see everything through a red filter.
- Two humans wearing awkward scuba gear can out swim a school of super piranha through the narrow hallways of a sunken ship.
- Every quartz watch in the world is synchronized.
- 1 min - These intro special effects do not bode well.
- 4 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 15 mins - Ugly woman meets nerd, they fall in love, and I'm not going any further than that...
- 26 mins - Where did this floating head go to acting school? Clear camera!
- 32 mins - Is that fish really flying?
- 38 mins - You have to be kidding me, that piranha has been hiding inside the corpse's body cavity all this time?
- 51 mins - Gabby is making a waterproof time bomb out of dynamite and a cheap quartz clock?
- 67 mins - I am officially tired of it being too dark, when did James Cameron start having enough pull to afford lights?
- 75 mins - He is going to ditch the helicopter? As in drop it into the ocean?
|Audio clips in wav format
|Starving actors speak out
|Steve: "I told you the next time I caught you and your son dynamite fishing I'd throw your sorry ass in jail, and I meant it!"
|Annie's Father: "And by the way, you may call me Captain."
|Raoul: "You're sticking a red hot poker up my ass by canceling now."
|Tyler explains how the Piranha were created.
|Click for a larger image
|Scenes from the movie
|Watch a scene
|MPEG video files
|Gabby heroically takes on the Piranha, but unfortunately underestimates the power of fish. He was my favorite character too, I almost cried.
|Leave a comment
|Buy the movie