Black Shampoo B-Movie Review

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BLACK SHAMPOO - 2 Slimes

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 9 August 2009

The Characters:

Mr. Jonathan - He might look like just a run-of-the-mill beefy stud, but this man is a talented hairdresser, and he also invented the female-gratifying Herbal Essences formula.
Brenda - Her eyeshadow, earrings, dress, and aereola all match. How is that for color-coordinating?
Artie - If Elton John and Paul Williams ever had a child together...
Richard - He is such a sweetheart that the first thing he notices about a naked woman is how her hair looks.
Mrs. Simpson - Proof positive that the greater Los Angeles cougar is not extinct.
Mr. Wilson - A mobster who owns an astonishing matched set of paisley shorts and shirt. Skewered by a pool cue.
Maddox, the Chauffer, and Jackson - Goons for Mr. Wilson. In order: the second-in-command, the little weasel, and the big heavy. All of them meet unpleasant ends (unless you consider being chainsawed or axed to death a great way to finish up the week).
Freddie - Deus ex machina ala roadbump!

The Plot:

Jonathan is every forgotten housewife's sexual fantasy, because not only does he wash their hair, but he gets them wet and dirty doing it. His salon is always crowded with women who are hoping, with no lack of wild abandon, that it will be their turn to get the private room treatment. This is all good for Jonathan, because he gets paid, and the women like to express their appreciation for his skilled hands by paying him some personal lip service. Now that is what I call a tip!

Look, if women like having their hair washed that much, I am going to open "Andrew's Rug Massage and Taco Parlor" post-haste.

One day, after a long shift taking care of women who think that their hairstyle is a hole that needs filling, Jonathan accepts an appointment for a private housecall. He goes to the beautiful home of Mrs. Simpson, and is immediately beset by the woman's young daughters, who apparently are just as desperate for a cream rinse as their mother. It's bad enough that they seat Jonathan in a pool chair, take off their bathing suits, and start licking him, but when mama minx sees her willful offspring trying to get a piece of the action all heck breaks loose! She defends her meat pole with a leather belt, whipping the pair of nymphos until they dive into the pool to escape the harsh leather! Let me tell you, this is the '70s, so what we see is a very large bush jumping into a pool, and sinking. You know what I mean. Then Mrs. Simpson hops atop the still prone Jonathan, just to show her daughters how it's done.

The scene is funny, but also creepy in a number of ways, and do not attribute my "bush" comment to simple hyperbole. Have you ever seen a '70s porn film? It's like watching a bath mat fighting with a boa constrictor. Egad, but the '70s were woolly.

While Jonathan is playing hide the winky with Mrs. Simpson, something seriously uncool is happening back at the salon. See, Brenda used to kinda sorta belong to Mr. Wilson, and he wants her back. The ruthless mobster sends his three henchmen to encourage the young lady to recognize the error of her ways, and to return to her previous place of employment. Brenda is not having anything to do with the idea. To convince her, Jackson (who would not sound out of place intoning, "Fee fi fo fum") manhandles Artie. I did not think that the big oaf was all that rough, but Artie spends the rest of the movie in a neck brace. He's obviously delicate.

When he comes back and hears about the trouble, Jonathan seems unconcerned. Instead, he asks Brenda out to dinner. Who could refuse such an invitation, from such a hunky stud? How about any woman who was concerned about contracting a veneral disease? Barbers and hair stylists have to soak their combs in that blue disinfectant stuff; it seems like Jonathan barely has time to towel off between customers, let alone to give his tallywhacker a good scrubbing. Well...whatever, while Jonathan and Brenda are wining and dining, the mobsters return to the empty hair salon and wreck the place. The destruction is accompanied by that silly type of music that inspires a feeling of harmless comedy.

Mobsters vandalize a house of prostitution masquerading as a legitimate business because a young woman refuses to consign herself to a life of sexual slavery, and we are supposed to react like we are watching a "Three Stooges" skit?

I guess that utter domestic chaos is Brenda's turn-on, because she gets hot when she sees what Maddox and the others did to Jonathan's house of hair. The two of them get it on, and on, and on, and...you get the idea. Unfortunately, when Jonathan finally awakes from his post-coital slumber, Brenda is nowhere to be found! She decided that the only way to protect the hair salon is to submit to Mr. Wilson's demands. Yep, just hours after doing the bath mat boa constrictor mambo with Jonathan, Brenda returns to the middle-aged mobster's bed (I swear, love is a foreign language that logic cannot explain).

Jonathan is disappointed with Brenda's decision. He busts the mobster's goons' chops (and at least one set of testicles), then tries rebound sex with a wealthy housewife client, but that does not work. Even giving her the old stucco and stud sandwich routine, with her playing the mayo, does not help. The big hairdresser is completely out of sorts. The only cure for that is some quiet time at his private cabin in the mountains, so Jonathan cruises on up there to cut a few logs and shoot some pool.

There is not one euphemism in that last sentence, I swear to God.

It does not take long for Brenda to get tired of being Mr. Wilson's private receptionist. She steals his book of illegal business dealings, and immediately takes it to Jonathan. Why Brenda thinks that a hairdresser would be the best person to give incriminating evidence on a ruthless criminal is beyond me. Surely, the local district attorney, or the IRS, would be the logical choice. I am sure that Artie would agree. The mobsters come to the salon looking for Brenda, and poor Artie really takes one for the team. What is the cruelest thing that you can imagine that involves a little gay hairdresser and one of the tools of his trade? How about a hot curling iron being jammed into his derriere? Is that cruel enough for you?

The movie is obviously going for shock value, but Artie's anal martydom is a bit much. It made me wince.

Mr. Wilson and his goons find Jonathan's cabin, and the movie's vicious turn continues. All of the bad guys are armed with guns, while Jonathan has a chainsaw. If this was a zombie movie, then Jonathan would be adequately equipped. It is not a zombie movie. The mobsters are not slow, shuffling corpses that mindlessly repeat themselves as they lurch along. Two of the crooks do fall prey to Jonathan's surprise attack with the wood-chewing (and flesh-rending) tool; unfortunately, the stylish stud becomes the recipient of at least one bullet. That is all the opening that Maddox and his boss need. Jonathan and Brenda are caught, and the bad guys start beating the location of the missing ledger out of the poor girl with a pool stick. Ouch! Just when that starts to seem excessive, one of Jonathan's friends, who I swear had become road mush when the mobsters first arrived, charges in with a hatchet! Both of the bad guys meet their ends in separately bloody fashions. Brenda and Jonathan walk away, arms around each other. All is well that ends well. The end.

Well, except for Artie, who is probably hospitalized with third degree burns to his colon.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Heterosexual male hairdressers get more tail than John Holmes and Peter North combined.
Homosexual men draw their strength from Mother Earth.
There is no such thing as too many vertical stripes.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, destroy their place of employment.
There is absolutely no reason that a neck brace cannot be a fabulous fashion statement.
"Beating around the bush" was coined during the 1976 sexual revolution.
Curling irons should never be taken internally.
The human body is the least effective speed bump in the world.
It is possible to sneak up on and kill someone with a chainsaw.

Stuff To Watch For:

6 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
15 mins - When you try to sway your hips it looks terrible. Just walk normal, even if you walk like a horse when you do.
16 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
18 mins - This is disturbing on so many levels.
28 mins - RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A 1970S LIGHT FIXTURE, HAIR PRODUCTS, AND A STYLIST'S CHAIR!
31 mins - Maybe it is about time that you invested in a deadbolt for the front door.
36 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
39 mins - Jonathan's mirrored sunglasses are so big that I can see the cameraman!
42 mins - What is it with this movie and huge, untrimmed bushes?
43 mins - Wondering about that last comment, aren't you?
53 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS...wait a minute. Those are not breasts. Those are UDDERS.
68 mins - The two of you kiss like clams trying to feed, or snails mating, or...some other kind of mullosks. Yeeeecccchhh!

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	blackshamp1.wav	Woman: "Oh my god! Mr. Jonathan, it is bigger and better!"
	blackshamp2.wav	Sounds of a woman getting a her hair washed with Herbal Essences Female Customer: "I guess she's enjoying her wash and rinse."
	blackshamp3.wav	Brenda: "I made a mistake, Jonathan. This is where I want to be. I belong here." Jonathan: "OK, you got it. Bought and paid for, but your hair looks like s**t that way."
	blackshamp4.wav	Jonathan: "Next time you come around my shop, sucker, breaking up things. Pick on me, brother." 70's porn music

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	blackshamp1.mpg - 5.2m
	How many inexplicable '70s artifacts can you spot in this scene? What color is that wig mannequin, anyway? You see it too, don't you? I'm not the only one who sees that thing, am I? Please answer me.