Galactic Gigolo B-Movie Review

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GALACTIC GIGOLO - 1 Slime

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 27 July 2002

The Characters:

Eoj - Mr. Joe Ordinary, the alien. He comes from a planet inhabited by intelligent vegetables. He is a broccoli; don't ask.
Hildy - She wants to write a book about Eoj's exploits on our planet, but sometimes seems bored with taking notes. It goes in, it comes out, it goes in, it comes out...
Waldo - Photographer with a sick habit of vicariously joining Eoj at the moment of bliss.
Dr. Pepper - Brilliant scientist whose intelligence is only overshadowed by her cup size.
The Mob - Inept gang captained by a fellow named "Sonny." Their fearless leader constantly admonished them to cut the "frabber-jabber." I think he needs to move out of that converted room in his mother's attic.
The Goldbergs - A family of Jewish rednecks. Ain't that about the funniest darn thing?
A Bunch of Topless Women - They had been waiting for extraterrestrial lovin' ever since falling for Jeff Bridges in "Starman."

The Plot:

As I sit here contemplating my keyboard a terrible thought comes to mind. I am about to write a review for "Galactic Gigolo" and I am completely sober. Before putting the tape into my VCR, I made sure to pour a stiff drink. However, now that the task of writing about the experience is at hand, I find myself without adequate protective equipment.

I'm going to get a drink. Right now.

All right then, where were we? "Galactic Gigolo," of course... ...I am brimming with enthusiasm. Open with Eoj wearing an impossible broccoli outfit. A carrot that looks like Groucho Marx asks the final question on the hit game show "You Bet Your Fertilizer." The main character correctly answers and wins an all-expense paid vacation to the booty capital of the universe - Prospect, CT. Everyone knows that human women are the bomb, this having been established in any number of movies. The problem is believing that somewhere in Connecticut is the best place to take your clothes off and get your groove on. Maybe it is funny, a little New England town as the sexual center of the galaxy. Ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

This is the level of comedy present throughout the movie.

The trip to Earth comes complete with a disguise. Eoj's broccoli form is replaced with a slightly overweight human body dressed in a sparkling silver jumpsuit. Upon arrival, he quickly runs afoul of the Goldberg clan and spends no small amount of time being chased through the woods. Eoj finally climbs into the lower branch of a tree, about eight feet off the ground. The Goldbergs assemble under the stricken flora and wonder where in the heck the alien went. If he wanted, Eoj could kick them from his perch, but they do not notice him. That is some durn fine com-a-dee, yes sir.

Following his arrival, the galactic gigolo holds a press conference. All that work to give him a disguise, then the visitor tells a dozen reporters about his vacation package. Oh, and the reporters cluster in a group like some bizarre molecule. What is holding them so close together, covalent bonds? To quickly get past this, one female reporter doubts Eoj's ability to bed massive quantities of Earth women. He responds by assuring those assembled that he will not rape any women, merely manipulate their minds to make the thought of sex a pleasing one. Last time I checked, the difference between rape and consensual sex was "consent." Not "mesmerized," not "in a trance," not even "drunk." The good thing is that the horny broccoli never uses his mental powers. The ladies naturally want to shag.

Two groups watch the groundbreaking telecast. Lucky for Eoj, one is not the United States government. Otherwise, he might have spent his vacation being the pokee, rather than the poker. The two groups are the Goldbergs and Sonny's gang. The male rednecks react by stringing words together, often phrases go like this: "God damn, Jesus Christ, look at that communist shit..." and so on. Peggy Sue Goldberg, on the other hand, just wants to boff the alien. The mob decides to confront Eoj and give him an offer he cannot refuse, namely robbing banks or else sleeping with the fishes.

Eoj puts his vascular phallus to work, overtime, while the idiot mobsters get lost and drive through Connecticut. How they made it through that state without being stopped in the first place is beyond me, but they realize their error upon seeing road signs for New York. A large number of the scenes with the mob has them crammed into a small car, apparently in the middle of highway hell.

Tell you what. I am in Hell here, with a capital "H." There are demons, fire, pitchforks, and THIS GOD DAMNED MOVIE!

Forget it, I just need more alcohol. That and a lobotomy. A lobotomy would be really good about now.

The next female to succumb to the alien's charms is Dr. Ruth Pepper. She is a brilliant scientist and she packs a large set of firm breasts. The experiment is rudely interrupted by the Goldbergs, who keep commenting on the size of Dr. Pepper's "hooters." One is holding his shotgun backwards, with the barrel under his arm, while Billy Goldberg keeps working the action on his bolt action rifle. Before long, the mobsters arrive and preempt the rednecks. Eoj is taken away by Sonny and his wise people (one is a female, I am trying to be politically correct). Thank goodness. If Billy had done that one more time, without a round ejecting, I might have lost my military mind.

Tricking the mobsters is ridiculously easy and Eoj returns to Ruth's home, intent on continuing the session. Both the Goldbergs and Sonny's gang converge on the house; a battle royal follows. Eoj, Dr. Pepper, and Hildy beat the living daylights out of the assembled bad guys using whatever is at hand: a croquet mallet, an ironing board, even bananas. Of course, it would have helped if Sonny was not using a .22 or a pellet gun (hard to tell which, but I'm betting on the latter). An annoying person imitating Howard Cosell, three exuberant cheerleaders, and some concessionaires also appear during this segment. I am guessing they made it more hilarious.

The movie ends with Eoj traveling back to his planet, leaving Hildy notably unboinked. The movie did deliver naked women, like the title promises, but the atrocious sense of comedy caused pure, unadulterated pain. Dumb rednecks! Hahahaha! Dumb mobsters! Hahahaha! Women having sex with intelligent vegetables from outer space! Hahahaha! Last time I saw a woman having sex with a vegetable it was a cucumber; no, maybe a carrot.

Mom, I hope you are not reading this.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Earth is home to the most advanced game shows in the universe.
Rednecks spend their days shoveling shit, literally.
Having more than one middle name can be confusing.
Women always wear sexy lingerie under their clothes.
Elvis Presley was an alien.
There is broccoli in KFC's cole slaw???
The Three Stooges were masters of hand to hand combat.
Changing shape is a diuretic.

Stuff To Watch For:

4 mins - That little sperm just cannot win...
10 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
12 mins - She don't eat meat, but she sure likes the broccoli.
21 mins - I need a "Come'n get it" hat.
29 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
30 mins - No, no, no! Do not listen to her, keep going! Damn you Hildy!
48 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
67 mins - Muzzle flashes would add to the realism here. (What am I saying?)
73 mins - We waited the whole movie for that joke.

Quotes:

Hildy: "First off, did you like it?"
Peggy Sue Goldberg: "Like it? Well, I reckon I'd play 'hide the salami' with this boy any old day."
Hildy: "So you liked it?"
Peggy Sue: "I loved it!"

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	ggigolo1.wav	One of Eoj's pickup lines.
	ggigolo2.wav	Reporter: "Hold on now, let me get this straight, you come from a planet of vegetables?" Eoj: "Were you asleep or are you brain dead? I answered that fifteen minutes ago!"
	ggigolo3.wav	Hildy: "Doesn't your d**k hurt?" Eoj: "Does yours?" Hildy: "No." Eoj: "You ever see a broccoli penis?" Hildy: "Can't say that I have." Eoj: "Indestructible." Hildy: "I see."
	ggigolo4.wav	Sammy Harry Bill Goldberg: "Hoooweee! Will you look at them hooters!"

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	ggigolo1.mpg - 3.4m
	The wacky battle royal, cheerleaders included.