|ATTACK FROM MARS
|Copyright 1986 Wade Williams Productions.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 17 August 2003.
- The Fat Woman and Husband - She is a redheaded eating machine. A machine I tell you! He is a mousy little fellow.
- Cowboy & Girlfriend - Drinking some booze while the boy tries to interest her in debauchery. She menstruates for twenty-seven days each month (useless tidbit). He gets munched.
- Sneezing Girl - Yeah, we needed this. She constantly extracts huge snot ropes from her nose.
- Rebel Gang & Large Breasted Girl - The three guys spend the whole movie feeling her up and trying to remove all her clothes.
- Two Geeks - One of them obsesses over the "Sweater Girl from Mars" and eventually merges with the movie's poster. Sort of like "Tron," but becoming part of a sheet of paper is less exciting.
- Little Bo Peep, the Drunk, and Billy Bob - A hilarious threeway! Har, har, har! Kill me.
- The Theater Staff - All are eaten by the monster. Wanted for immediate hire: theater manager, ticket seller, concession stand worker, and projectionist.
- Buzz Corry - Hero of the space patrol and irresistible to anything with ovaries.
- Cadet Happy & Carol - He is about as annoying as Wesley Crusher, while she would do well in porn.
- Dr. Bacarratti - Mad scientist who developed a way to travel through time. Too bad he is not as accomplished at robotics.
- The Hideous Monster - Large, slimy, and on an eating binge. Its visage bears more than a passing resemblance to some of the more private parts of a lady. Eaten by the fat woman.
|The original name of this travesty was "Midnight Movie Massacre." The reason for changing movie names has always eluded me, but now I have a clear theory: they are trying to confuse people. "Hey, are you that terrible film 'Midnight Movie Massacre?'" "No, uh, that was some... ....other movie."
A crowd assembles at the Granada Theater for the late night showing of "Space Patrol," a science fiction serial. The patrons are widely varied. We get plenty of camera time on the large woman, who dwarfs her tiny husband. He is also dwarfed next to the huge tray of popcorn and candy she makes him buy. The Lords of Flatbush are in attendance, along with two smooching teenagers, a crass cowboy and his girlfriend, a pair of geeks, two hicks, and a drunk. Not to be missed is the nerdy girl who keeps sneezing (she must have a sinus infection). That is not nearly everybody, but you get the idea.
Once the lights dim, trailers for Cat-Women of the Moon and Devil Girl from Mars roll. Then the real attraction starts: "Space Patrol." The adventures of Buzz Corry and his stalwart crew will become a major portion of the movie. It is a welcome respite from the activities of the audience. The chubby geek keeps having erotic daydreams that the girl from "Sweater Girls from Mars" is beckoning him. Elsewhere, the punks in black leather start pawing at the girl with large breasts and snot girl removes several feet of stuff from her nose. This is all supposed to be hilarious. At least, so I have been told.
How about we talk about "Space Patrol" instead? Dr. Bacarratti kills several guards and steals a brain encased in a clear globe. He uses the brain (which is called OIC) to steal his own time machine. The invention is shaped like a flying saucer. To be specific, it is much like the craft from "The Day the Earth Stood Still." The mad scientist uses the ship to travel back in time to Earth during the 1950's. When the space station crew finds out, they immediately organize a team to retrieve Bacarratti. How will they travel in time? That is a good question and the answer is going to annoy you. The flying saucer/time machine returns to the space station after dropping off Bacarratti. He could have easily retained it on Earth himself, but must have forgotten. Like locking your keys in the car with the engine running.
The "homages" mentioned earlier continue throughout the movie. They also make one or two heavy-handed "Back to the Future" comments. "The Terminator" does not escape unscathed either.
Back in the real world, a loathsome entity from Mars invades the theater. The monster has a large exposed brain (chalk up one for "This Island Earth"), tentacles, and causes blood to go everywhere when it grabs someone. For now, it focuses on eating the theater staff. There will be nobody left to clean up the popcorn and spilled soda after the show.
Retracing our steps to the serial inside the movie, Corry, Happy, and Carol arrive in the past. They steal the clothes from some convenient bystanders, then take their car too. It is off to find an adult entertainer named "Tonga." They find the dancer, but the crew is subdued by Bacarratti using nerve gas (liquid form) and ether. Lucky for them that a plucky little Blue Blazer irregular named Sonny is in hot pursuit of the doctor's car.
The same awesome slapstick continues inside the theater. Some people change seats and many leave while the show goes on (oh, how I envy them). The guy who arrived with the buxom cocktail waitress ditches his bawdy date (still being massaged by the gang) to pick up the sneezing girl. The cowboy continues to ply his girlfriend with liquor. Not to be missed are the antics of the drunk, Little Bo Peep, and the girl's farmer boyfriend. The monster eats the candy counter attendant and the manager. For some reason, nobody bailing out of the theater encounters the alien horror. Except for the cowboy, but he does so at the very end.
"Space Patrol" is doing a little better. The mad scientist sets loose an army of absurd robots, called "automatons," with orders to kill the annoying child. Bacarratti brainwashes Corry, Happy, and Carol too. Poor little Sonny is trapped by the mechanical horde. In true cliffhanger fashion, the bad guys (reprogrammed good guys included) apparently hack away at the kid with their machetes. Okay, that might be a bit clever.
With the serial ended, there is nothing standing between you, me, and this infernal film. The projectionist gets chomped when he sticks his head out of the booth to see what is going on in the hall. Following that, the monster finally invades the theater. It tries to eat the drunk girl; she crawls away. Then the fat lady bursts in and EATS THE MONSTER. The end.
No, I am not joking.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Fat women excrete a sticky substance from the skin on their buttocks.
- If you are sneezing fried egg from your nose, go see a doctor.
- Alcohol impairs the ability to recognize a euphemism.
- High g-forces cause women to have orgasms (hence the g-spot).
- Aliens are filled with watergate salad.
- Machetes may not be technologically advanced, but they are a satisfying way to dismember your enemies.
- Nothing can match the ravenous ferocity of a redheaded housewife.
- 4 mins - Having been privy to this monstrosity before, the long opening credits scene is akin to watching a huge scythe slowly descend upon my immobile form.
- 21 mins - Actually, Einstein might stick his tongue out at you. Relativity plays heck with the idea of traveling back in time.
- 28 mins - That is one big mushroom.
- 36 mins - If this is the ship's first (second) flight, how did they have an operative in the 1950's?
- 40 mins - I now believe that the film has achieved time travel. It seems like more than 40 minutes have elapsed.
- 47 mins - Those people have the right idea.
- 54 mins - Stop it, Happy! She has the arms of a man! Man arms; do you know what that means? Think "Ed Wood." Think "Glen or Glenda!"
- 78 mins - Of all the stupid...
- Some Guy: "What's the 'TD1?'"
Col. Karlyle: "'Time Disc 1' - the first manned research craft, capable of both cosmic and atmospheric flight, with the power to travel through time."
Some Guy: "Are you actually telling me that human beings could travel through the time barrier?"
- Cowboy: "You have more periods than a stack of dime store novels. Jesus Christ, you bleed more than a hemophiliac in a briar patch."
Girlfriend: "Where are you going?"
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Corry: "OIC, they tell me you can talk." |
OIC: "That is correct, identify yourself."
Corry: "Corry, Commander of this mission."
OIC: "Who are the others?"
Carol: "I'm Carol Carlise."
Happy: "They call me Happy!"
Corry: "OIC, we're ready."
||Girl: "What do you want from us?" |
Corry: "We need your clothes."
Girl: "Our clothes?"
Happy: "Quickly, remove your clothes!"
Girl: "Me too?"
Corry: "You first."
||Father: "Come on, we're leaving. The movie's terrible. I've never seen a film like this before."
||Narrator: "Thus, our world was saved. Not by atomic warfare, but by the appetite of a three hundred pounded suburban housewife."
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|The automaton army chases Sonny into Bacarratti's secret lab. Corry, Carol, and Happy are all strapped to gurney's. I should also point out that a large number of the robots are elsewhere, dancing to music.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |