|DEVIL GIRL FROM MARS
|Copyright 1954 Spartan Productions.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 12 November 2000.
- Professor Hennessey - Respected astronomer looking for a meteorite, completely hopeless at reading a road map.
- Michael - Reporter accompanying Professor Hennessey who knows how to sweet talk women, but kisses like a dead carp.
- Ellen - Fashion model hiding in the country from a man she has been having an affair with. She is looking for someone less deceitful, perhaps a newspaper reporter...
- Mr. and Mrs. Jamieson - Couple that run an inn, though he seems to drink a majority of their profits.
- Doris - Bartender for the pub, but she always falls for the wrong men, like ones who kill their wives.
- Robert - Just escaped from prison and has taken a new name (Albert), he knew they'd never let him go free after being imprisoned for killing his wife (no shit Sherlock). Blown to atoms.
- Tommy - Annoying nephew of the Jamiesons.
- David - Hunchback and general laborer at the pub, he is vaporized for being an inferior genetic specimen.
- Nyah - Our gloating and overdeveloped (scientifically) female visitor from Mars. She has found a wonderful way of turning trash bags into a fashion statement. Blown to atoms along with her ship.
- The Robot - Hehehehehehe!
|The ultimate battle of the sexes will be fought on British soil, in a pub mostly, and by a group of alcoholics. Not only all that, but the antagonist will be a militant feminist from another world who enjoys flaunting her technological superiority. Grand!
We begin with a plane exploding, which will never be fully explained and (unlike our characters) will not be discussed on the radio. It is obvious that the "Devil Girl from Mars" must have destroyed the aircraft, but not having any explanation of why causes the viewer much grief. Chalk it up to the fact that she is evil.
About the characters and radio, since they seem so much more important than planes exploding in midair, both Robert and Dr. Hennessey are discussed by the announcer. Presumably the news is a little slow in Scotland, but the plot mechanics surrounding these people being mentioned on the air are funny. Of course the station is going to detail the escape of a convicted murderer, but why mention an astronomer?
With everyone conveniently assembled (the screenwriter must have been a Dungeon Master) we can focus on the real point of this movie: people drinking, a lot. Oh yes, along with other distinguished films like The Killer Shrews, this is a drinking movie. Try drinking along with the actors, but may I suggest keeping a full bottle of hard alcohol at hand to refill your glass since it is going to magically empty itself often.
Things could have remained a glowing celebration of the Betty Ford Clinic if our title character had not arrived, but she finally does. Her ship seriously damaged by hitting the atmosphere at too high of a speed (darn women drivers), the Nazi poster girl lands close by the pub and decides to while away the repair time by screwing with the natives.
She is on a mission to collect specimens of men for her barren world, because Mars endured a violent race war which climaxed in the destruction of the male species. The females killed every single male on Mars! One has to imagine whichever devil girl shot the last devil guy said something along the lines of "Oops." Needless to say, I hope the same never happens here on Earth. The opposite sex might be entirely maddening, but remember, they're also a whole lot of fun.
Theorists often imagine technologically superior and socially mature races will act in ways unfathomable to humanity. None of them had a hand in this movie. While Nyah impatiently waits for her flying saucer to repair itself she mercilessly taunts the assembled alcoholics about how inferior they are. Stuff like "we have a perpetual motion ray" and "our race has perfected negative fission reactions." Very impressive Nyah, now please explain how they work (which would probably get you shot).
The amazing robot... ...HEHEHEHEHEHE! You honestly have to see the robot in action to understand my fits of mirth, the thing brings back childhood memories. Take one cardboard box and put it over your head. Now you're a robot, complete with the box swinging around on the pivot of your head and smacking against your legs. The great thing is how proud our little space traveling female Nazi is of this.
The company of humans make multiple attempts to kill the conqueror of worlds, unfortunately bullets and electricity are useless against her dual chromosomes and their efforts only anger the maiden. Concurrent with the rest of the plot, Michael has recognized "Albert" as being an escaped murderer and the latter spends a lot of time hiding. Not a bad idea when some dominatrix from another world is wandering around being uber mean. When all else fails, can you guess who sabotages the reactor and saves mankind (literally) from conquest and slavery? The man who murdered his wife of course. Bravo Robert, I wouldn't look forward to being hooked up to a mechanical sperm milking machine either.
With two pairs of star crossed lovers in evidence there are plenty of opportunities for kissing (they certainly needed the practice) and breathless admonishments. Poor Nyah never finds the man of her dreams though, perhaps she is lucky and meets up with Count Zartharn in the afterlife, they would get along famously.
Just one review of many for the B-Masters Cabal effort at exposing female mad scientists:
|Things I Learned From This Movie:
- Scottish people should lay off the drinking at times, like when planning roads.
- Fish are thieves and pickpockets.
- Pubs have their own street signs in Scotland.
- Flying saucers do not have to pass emission inspections.
- Anything will cool off in two hours, no matter what it is made out of (or how hot it is).
- Brandy will instantly render one drunk.
- Women are grounded.
- Children are naturally without emotions or fears.
- Nuclear reactors should not be left uncovered.
- Opening Credits - They are going to explain why the plane blew up, right?
- 2 mins - So why did the plane blow up?
- 5 mins - Look damn it, why did the plane explode?
- 11 mins - It is obviously very cold, we cannot see their breath and they were driving with the window down.
- 28 mins - Slow down! Help! Somebody stop the plot, I want to get off!
- 35 mins - All those brains and not a lick of common sense, why were you not holding a stick in front of yourself? Idiot.
- 41 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TREE!
- 41 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TRUCK AND A SHED!
- 68 mins - I am certain we will all be safe from a perpetual motion ray (whatever in the heck that is) in the basement...
- Nyah: "No doubt you were having a council of war. It amuses me to watch your puny efforts."
|Audio clips in wav format
|Starving actors speak out
|Michael: "Hello! Hello, hello! Here I am with a flying saucer in my lap, not to mention an escaped convict, and I can't get this phone to work."
|Nyah: "You are a scientist?"
Nyah: "You are a very poor physical specimen."
|Michael: "Mrs. Jamieson, may I introduce your latest guest, Mrs. Nyah. She comes from Mars."
Mrs. Jamieson: "Oh, well that'll mean another bed...she's come from where?"
Michael: "From Mars!"
|Nyah explains "static negative nuclear fission." Ouch, my head.
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|Nyah is showing off her robot (hehehehehe) to the primitive humans and is quite proud of the fact that it can disintegrate trees. Does anyone else think that a meter reader somewhere is very upset?
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