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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 24 March 2007

The Characters:  

  • Hayata - The kind of guy who chases glowing balls through outer space.
  • Ultraman - This fellow needed to take some defensive driving classes. I guess that invulnerable beings can afford to be lousy drivers.
  • Captain Muramatsu - Good job on the search and rescue for your downed pilot.
  • Hoshino - Kid, shut up and sit down. Nobody cares what you think.
  • Ide - Suspicious of Hayata's story, but wormy enough to avoid a direct confrontation by accepting the human/alien hybrid's meager explanation.
  • Fuji - A woman who can fly a rocket plane.
  • Arashi - He is the chubby guy in the background.
  • A Group of Campers at the Lake - Probably going skiing for next year's vacation.
  • Bemler - What do you get when you cross a pug with an alligator? Beset by the Science Patrol before Ultraman breaks its back and then blasts it.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Hayata is patrolling a random sector of outer space when a pair of glowing, wobbling balls speed past his shuttle. He immediately hits the thrusters and pursues the UFO's, but is unable to keep up with them as they enter Earth's atmosphere. One of the globes drops into a lake, while the other crashes into Hayata's ship. Back at headquarters, Fuji repeatedly calls into the radio, hoping to hear from the missing member of the Science Patrol.

First off, is patrolling outer space really that productive? We are talking about huge expanses of nothing and part of the patrol area would be obstructed by the planet. If the Earth was under constant alien attack I could understand the precaution, but in this case it seems absurd. The second bit of goofiness is the glowing balls used for Ultraman's and Bemler's spaceships. I am not kidding when I say that they wobble and bounce their way through outer space. If aerodynamics matter that much in a vacuum, maybe the intergalactic geniuses who designed the spaceships should have used something other than a sphere.

Alerted to the fact that their companion probably crashed near the lake, the members of the science patrol take off their clothes. They are wearing tight orange jumpsuits underneath! Well, I guess it helps to be ready when the stuff hits the fan. In just a few minutes the other male members of the science patrol are on their way to the scene of the crash; Fuji stays behind to bite her nails and suffer Hoshino's company.

Ultraman, a galactic protector from Nebula M78, is apologetic to the dying human. Realizing that the tender, fragile mortal will die without aid, the being from Nebula M78 combines their life forces. Whenever Hayata needs the awesome power of Ultraman, he can call on it by using the Beta Capsule.

Did you notice that Hayata is unconscious when Ultraman tells him all of this? He must have a serious head injury too, but our hero remembers everything he is told. My wife likes to tell me things when I am half asleep. Want to know how often I remember what she told me? The answer is "very rarely." I would have woken up and wondered how I survived and what the heck the Beta Capsule was and why raising it over my head would turn me into a silver giant.

The creature that Ultraman was chasing is called Bemler. It rises up out of the lake and scares the pants off of everybody. Except, that is, the Science Patrol in their tight-fitting jumpsuits. They zap it with their ray guns until the monster dives beneath the surface. Now, as far as I can tell, the Science Patrol opened fire on Bemler because it looks stupid. I felt sorry for the creature. He was chased by Ultraman, splashed into a lake, then a bunch of hairless monkeys started shooting at him when he surfaced for air. Talk about a bad day to be a Bemler. This is especially true after Hayata directs Fuji to deploy a rocket-powered attack submarine in the lake. He climbs aboard and starts shooting Bemler in its scaly butt with rocket torpedoes. When the monster finally gets tired of that, it catches the submarine in it mouth and spits it onto shore.

Hayata climbs out of the damaged submersible and turns into Ultraman. The augmented protector of Earth wrestles with the huge amphibian for a while before breaking its back and hurling the limp carcass into the lake. When Bemler emerges from the water, again as a glowing sphere, Ultraman zaps it with his specium ray.

Things I Learned From This Show: 

  • The Japanese have had custom ringtones for their telephones since the 60's.
  • Never fill a piñata with hydrogen.
  • Submarines can use propane propulsion systems.
  • Being shot in the butt will make anything grumpy.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 1 min - Is that an orange RP Marbalizer chasing a purple Diablo Nightmare?
  • 7 mins - Ultraman was flying without insurance. Busted.
  • 11 mins - The lake is full of disco! Run for your lives!
  • 22 mins - You figured all that out by looking at a blinking light on the chest of a gargantuan android from outer space?
  • 24 mins - And, somehow, both the wingtip rockets have been reloaded.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note ultraopi1.wav Hayata: "Hayata reporting."
Fuji: "Hayata, come in. You sound as if something's wrong. What is it?"
Hayata: "I've spotted an unidentified flying object heading east over Ryugamori Forest."
Green Music Note ultraopi2.wav Ultraman: "I am Ultraman. I am from the Nebula M78, beyond the fortieth galaxy."
Green Music Note ultraopi3.wav Hoshino whining.
Green Music Note ultraopi4.wav Hayata: "Ultraman. How do you like it?"
Ide: "Well, it uh, sounds ultra good."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 



 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipultraopi1.mpg - 2.8m
Hayata is shooting Bemler in the butt with rocket torpedoes. The Science Patrol is flying above the lake and shoots at the monster every time it surfaces. Bemler is understandably upset.

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Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

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