Super Monster Gamera B-Movie Review

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SUPER MONSTER GAMERA - 2 Slimes

Unrated

Reviewed by Teddy Johnson on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:

Gamera - Flying, prehistoric turtle and protector of earth when Godzilla's not around.
Kilara - Japanese women's wrestling champ Mach Fumiake! Leader of trio of flying space women who have come to earth and secretly live amongst us.
Marsha - One of Kilara's alien companions.
Mitan - The other of Kilara's alien companions
Giruge - Hot alien chick sent to kill the trio of flying good aliens. Killed with ray fired by own alien race.
Xenon (or Zanon... take your pick) - Alien race riding in Star Destroyers (I kid you not) looking to conquer the earth (natch).
Keiichi - Boy who eats, sleeps, and lives Gamera. Wears pretty creepy short pants too.
Keiichi's mother - Not interested in Gamera saving the world.
Gaos - Flying bat monster with Ginsu oral ray. Gets dropped into a volcano.
Zigra - Metal shark creature with a beak. Gets flambe'ed.
Viras - Squid creature that looks like a pealed banana. Gets frozen and dropped into the sea.
Jiger - Lizard monster that shoots poison Q-tips from its nose. Gets thrown around and ribs crushed in.
Guiron - Knife headed beast with ninja star projectiles. Gets head rammed into the ground.
Barugon - Lizard monster that fires freezing mist from its tongue and a rainbow from its back (again, I kid you not).

The Plot:

"Plot? What plot? It's a Gamera movie! We don't need no stinking plot!" And here that ideology of film making has been taken to its highest degree. Gamera movies have always relied upon outrageous monsters duking it out in epic battles that leave Tokyo, Osaka, or some other metropolitan area flattened, but here, we get nothing but stock footage of outrageous monsters duking it out in epic battles that leave Tokyo, Osaka, or some other metropolitan area flattened.

What semblance of a plot there is concerns three women from outer space, Kilara, Marsha, and Mitan. (Ever come across a Japanese woman named Marsha?) They live among us earthlings in the guise of a pet store clerk, teacher, and car dealer and to unwind, they like to hop in Kilara's flying van and sail around Tokyo (apparently unseen by the millions of Tokyo denizens).

Anyway, these gals are under heat from the Xenon aliens who are looking to conquer the earth. To make sure the alien women do nothing to help the earth, they send down another beautiful alien woman, Giruge. To begin their conquest of earth, Xenon sends down bat monster Gaos (from "Gamera vs. Gaos"), who proceeds to smash up buildings good.

The alien trio meet up with a young boy named Keiichi who proceeds to tell them about the giant turtle monster known as Gamera. The alien women decide that Gamera is earth's only hope against the invaders and call him from wherever it is he goes to between films. Gamera then proceeds to trash ninety minutes of stock footage enemies, flying to a planet on the far side of the sun if need be to defeat his enemies. Gaos, Zigra, Viras, Jiger, Guiron, and Barugon all fall like dominoes in the wake of the titular Super Monster. During this mishmash of older Gamera footage, Kilara and Giruge run into each other and engage in the film's highlight, a knockdown, end-all, drag-down cat fight, but Giruge only succeeds in shooting herself in the leg.

After the crew has ran out of footage to cull battles from (including some shots from "Galaxy Express 999" and, in the Japanese version only, "Space Cruiser Yamato"), Xenon announces that they are going to destroy the earth themselves (gee, I'd have LOVED to see the expression on his face as these guys sailed over George Lucas' house). Gamera will stand for none of this, and going against all odds, jets into space to meet them head on... ...for a collision. Xenon's spaceship is destroyed, but in the process, so is Gamera. With the flying turtle no more, the spacewomen take Keiichi on an aerial tour of the world (or Tokyo at least) as the series of older Gamera films falls onto a conclusion that can only be described as tragic.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Japanese wrestling champs should not sing.
You will never hear the three tenors in a Japanese monster movie.
George Lucas doesn't really mind copyright infringement.
Mazda thanks you very much.
Pet store clerks, car dealers, and preschool teachers are aliens.
Japanese people don't notice flying orange dots.
Spacewomen obtain their power through Showgirls-style tai chi.
Never try to pick up a spacewoman, no matter how hot she looks.
Japanese boys sound like twenty year old women.
Spacewomen do not understand economics.
Japanese moms have the uncanny ability to convince their children to send their pets to certain death.
Japanese kids can NOT sing.
Aliens have traffic jams covered.
A trio of alien women are inevitably lesbians.
No one in Japan has good teeth.
Gaos is actually a giant Pez dispenser.
Gaos worked as a matador in Spain.
Japanese kids mumble while leaving school.
Gaos bleeds Pepto Bismol.
Neither Japanese moms nor reporters have any interest in world affairs.
The Tokyo populace doesn't notice people popping out of thin air.
Japanese kids are impressed by bad blue screen effects.
Gamera wields supreme control over the laws of physics.
Controlling Gamera's brain waves is wholly different from controlling Gamera.
Space alien keyboards have x-ray specs.
It's easier to backflip during a fight than to move backwards.
Gamera is actually played by Cathy Rigby.
Gamera hates leprechauns.
The first plasma televisions were unpopular largely because they had to be operated by organs.
Japanese boys can be inducted as spacewomen.
The Tokyo populace doesn't notice women or little boys sailing through the air.
Being flown through the sky of Tokyo makes losing the Guardian of the Universe and Friend of Children a-okay.

Stuff To Watch For:

1 min - They produced the hell out of this movie.
2 mins - Filmed in Paint-a-Vision.
2 mins - A newfound appreciation for Carl Sagan.
3 mins - A starship with too many damned names.
4 mins - Noise making earrings?
4 mins - Preschoolers who sound like their teachers.
5 mins - A van with a transformer/mood synthesizer in it.
6 mins - Where's Mork?
7 mins - Tinkerbell!
8 mins - Alien anti-rape beam.
10 mins - Japanese boy buffalo shot.
11 mins - One word: EQUUS.
12-82 mins - Gratuitous stock footage.
12 mins - Bloody hell!
13 mins - Mt. Fuji's pissed.
14-15 mins - A kid who can't even ACT like he's playing the organ.
17 mins - So that's El Nino?
18 mins - Gaos does a flyby.
20 mins - "Dude, where's my car?"
20 mins - Japanese boys wear hot pants.
22 mins - "What about that Godzilla dude?"
23 mins - Gratuitous tai chi.
23 mins - A wrinkle in time!
24 mins - A monster Chuck Mangione!
24 mins - Gamera, now a carnival ride.
25 mins - "No, it's Gamera from St. Louis."
25 mins - Not a very good Angus Scrimm impression.
27 mins - STRING!
28 mins - "Sunrise, you'd better take care, if I find you've been creepin' 'round my back stairs."
29 mins - Gratuitous puppets.
30 mins - What exactly just happened?
31 mins - Gamera, now with luggage rack.
34 mins - This is what a Doors music video might look like.
35 mins - So that's what happened to the Valdez...
36 mins - How does he do that underwater?
37 mins - Gratuitous puppets.
37 mins - Gamera wants his power sander back.
39 mins - Ringo's job is safe.
40 mins - A little boy gets to the heart of the matter the way only Truman Capote could.
43 mins - Gratuitous tai chi.
44 mins - Gamera at the par 3 of Pebble Beach.
45 mins - Viras was on Star Trek!
46 mins - Gamera, now with jet ski action.
47 mins - Gamera and Viras, now at Six Flags.
49 mins - That's Japanese for "If this van's a rockin', don't come a knockin'."
49 mins - Boss Hogg can find the Boys even in Tokyo.
49 mins - Poof?
50 mins - Gratuitous tai chi.
50 mins - That's what happens when you park in a no-parking zone in Japan.
50 mins - Someone trying to kill you qualifies as "big trouble."
51 mins - How convenient.
51 mins - More goddamned gratuitous tai chi.
53 mins - The Japanese military springs into action for their ceremonial ass whuppin'
53 mins - Demon toothpicks can bring down jet fighters.
53 mins - This is what happens when your city doesn't have an SPF Inspection.
54 mins - New! The Jiger Weight Loss Program!
54 mins - Gamera: He's everywhere you want to be.
55 mins - Gamera gets a piece of tail.
57 mins - The prelude to Home Depot's unheard of 4th Quarter.
58 mins - Ahhhh...
60 mins - MORE gratuitous tai chi.
60 mins - The alien spaceship needs a V-8.
62 mins - Gratuitous hot pants.
62 mins - "I can see you shiver with antici... ...pation."
64 mins - Kid's coppin' a feel!
64 mins - acting... ...Acting... ...ACTING!!!
65 mins - Ginsu sends Xenon reinforcements.
65 mins - Gamera and Guiron breakdancing!
67 mins - Cocaine helps heal monster wounds.
68 mins - "No ticket!"
69 mins - Evil spacewoman can't remember if she's a pedophile or not.
72 mins - Kaiju mud wrestling!
73 mins - Another wrinkle in time!
75 mins - And the point of that was?
75 mins - "What about that Godzilla dude?"
77 mins - This is what the showdown in "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" would have been like if Sergio Leone were a talentless hack.
78 mins - Kamikaze Gamera.
80 mins - Boy's going for a very chilly ride.
81 mins - Spacewomen are about as spacey as Pink Floyd doing Mere Haggard covers.
82 mins - Or is it?

Quotes:

Narrator: "Out of the never ending night comes a spaceship bent on murder and destruction. That spaceship is Xenon, the pirate spaceship - the messenger of death."
Xenon Captain: "If you dare go against me, I'll crush all earthmen. No one will survive!"
Kilara: "Wow...we're in big trouble this time!"
Marsha (as Gamera flies overhead): "Is that Gamera the kid talked about?"
Kilara: "Sure is."
Keiichi: "You're a bad spacewoman! You don't even look happy when Gamera wins each time!"
Xenon Captain: "Giruge, you've failed again. Prepare for punishment!"
Kilara (after beating the daylights out of Giruge): "I don't like hurting or killing people. Take back your gun."
Kilara: "Keiichi, you must be brave. You're a spaceman now."