|Copyright 1998 MGM/UA
| Reviewed by Adam Eshack
on 'a long time ago'|
- Press Lennox - Played by "Reservoir Dog" Michael Madsen. Reprises the cool hitman role in the first; hired by Burgess to find Patrick and stop him.
- Eve - Natasha Henstridge, kind of reprising her role from the first, only more of a good guy; she is a duplicate of Sil; spends most of the movie in a glass room going crazy and dressing up in Victoria's Secret type clothing; has sex with Patrick; choked to death by Patrick with a tentacle through the throat.
- Laura Baker - Marg Helgenberger reprising her biologist role from the first, only now more of a weak character and often whines about how awful the situation is.
- Patrick Ross - Astronaut who's making history being the first man on Mars until an alien specimen turns him into a horny alien that wants to bang every woman he can find; actor keeps losing his little Southern accent throughout; melted up by Dennis' blood.
- Dennis Gamble - Played by Bubba Gump! The black guy and comic relief of the film. Astronaut on flight with Patrick; has special sickle-cell anemia so that his blood can be used as a weapon against the aliens and is used against Patrick; complains about not getting "booty" throughout the movie.
- Colonel Burgess - Chubby colonel with a glass eye who hires Laura and Press to find Patrick.
- Senator Judson Ross - Patrick's strict father and foul mouthed senator; Patrick stabs him with a tentacle through the stomach and out the mouth.
- Anne - Astronaut on flight with Patrick; infected with Specimen; alien bursts out of her stomach after having sex with her husband.
- Melissa - Patrick's girlfriend; stomach explodes after sex.
- Debutante's - Horny sisters who sleep with Patrick; stomachs explode after sex (with kids).
- Herman Cromwell - Played by an uncredited Peter Boyle, who obviously needs a quick paycheck; figures out about the alien specimen in Mars, but the Pentagon doesn't believe him and sends him in a mental hospital.
|The sequel that nobody asked for. Even though I was expecting a better film, it's so lame and gruesome that it definitely deserves a look. It's a lot of fun too. Patrick Ross, a young astronaut, is making history as the first man to go on Mars and brings along a type of alien specimen, that he gets infected with and it makes him really horny, and he starts banging women all over, giving birth to loads of alien kids, and hoping to "f*ck the human race into extinction." Press Lennox is hired to find Patrick with the help of fellow astronaut Dennis Gamble, the scientist Laura who seemed to have a crush on Press in the first but acts completely different here than the first, and Laura's creation Eve, which is a duplicate of Sil from the first. I was surprised how bad this was coming from director Peter Medak, who did some great films including "Romeo Is Bleeding" and "The Krays." This film is definitely a high rank for a b-movie; with it's wooden acting, laughable dialogue, lots of flaws and plot holes, gratuitous nudity and sex, a typical silly horror movie ending, and loads of gore; which makes for a great movie that late night and b-movie lovers will love. I had a good time with it and if you want good laughs and a couple good of shocks, give it a try.|
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- You don't want to have sex with an alien.
- Sickle-Cell Anemia is used as a weapon against aliens.
- Women who have sex with aliens will give birth to babies that look like 10 year old kids and come with gray shirts.
- Senators really are loudmouthed jerks.
- Astronauts are very horny.
- Aliens are equipped with tentacles which come out from all places of their bodies when either horny or angry.
- You don't want to try and stop horny aliens.
- 1 min - Now we know that this film is sponsored by Pepsi, Sprint, Miller Lite, and Reebok.
- 7 mins - Richard Belzer as the President!
- 12 mins - Ah, some Natasha cleavage to wake us up after a boring 10 minutes.
- 19 mins - Here's Patrick's ridiculous speech about his trip; what's with his southern accent that he keeps losing during it?
- 21 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 22 mins - Pretty neat baby bursting scene.
- 24 mins - Pat, aren't you forgetting about your Southern accent?
- 27 mins - Cool heart ripping scene.
- 32 mins - How come Laura doesn't even act like she knows Lennox?
- 38 mins - ANOTHER RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 40 mins - This scene feels very similar to the birth scene in "Body Melt."
- 47 mins - Interesting disappearing, reappearing head scene.
- 52 mins - AND ANOTHER RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 52 mins - Obviously, no one notices the first man on Mars in that strip bar.
- 53 mins - Now that's a lot of kids!
- 56 mins - Gratuitous chase scene; out of all the women Pat could easily get, why would he pick one in a supermarket? Still, no one seems to notice the superhero walking around.
- 57 mins - Clever cereal box spoof.
- 59 mins - No one would even help or notice this screaming girl when Pat's dragging her to the van.
- 62 mins - Don't get in the way of this horny man.
- 64 mins - Yummy tongue sequence.
- 76 mins - Man, Eve really needs to get laid now.
- 79 mins - And now for the big, freaky alien sex scene!
- 80 mins - Tentacles coming out the nipples?
- 83 mins - Can that alien even stay on it's feet?
- 87 mins - Ending a little bit too obvious; after this, I don't think we need a third one.
- Laura: "Oh, this is awful. This is just awful!" (Complimenting the movie.)
- Colonel Burgess: "This isn't the f***ing 'X-Files,' goddammit!"
- Press: "How the hell does she know how to drive?"
Laura: "Her favorite show is the Dukes of Hazzard."
- Press: "They could f**k the human race into extinction."
- Laura: "If he's reproducing, we've got potential offspring."
Press: "I think it's safe to assume he's banging cocktail waitresses two at a time."
- Dennis: "Man, a brother just can't get no booty. You know what I'm saying!?"
- Dennis: "Boy, there's enough fine booty out there to cure what ails me."
- Dennis: "Damn man! What is up? I can't even get no play from an alien."
- Dennis: "I'm taking this because I'm about to go Africa on somebody's ass." (After picking up a rather large knife.)
- Colonel Burgess: "Sit tight, son. We'll explain everything later."
Dennis: "Well it's kinda tough to sit tight sir, I haven't been laid in eleven months. That's, that's unusual for me..."
- Dr. Orinsky: "No sexual activity for at least ten days. And that means all of you."
Anne: "Oh, you've got to be kidding!"
- Senator Ross: "I'm going to give you a piece of advice, boy. You keep your dick in your pants and your eyes on the prize. Oh, I know what you've been doin,' and frankly I don't give a damn. But I have seen too many young men with promising careers piss it all away on a piece of ass."
- Press: "Last time I fought with that alien she-bitch... ...I almost got myself killed."
- Hotel Clerk/Pimp: "They come and they go. You know what I mean... ...they come and they go"
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Colonel Burgess: "Take a look at those beautiful welts, just beautiful, beautiful!"
||Patrick: "Stop thinking about the master plan and help me all right, I'm scared!" |
Senator Ross: "God damn it! Quit acting like a spoiled child!"
||Colonel Burgess: "We have a national f***ing emergency on our hands!"
||Dennis: "Well it's kinda tough to sit tight sir, I haven't been laid in eleven months. That's, that's unusual for me..."
||Press: "How the hell does she know how to drive?" |
Laura: "Her favorite show is the Dukes of Hazzard."
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