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Not Rated
Copyright 1994
Reviewed by Stefan Robak on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Hoahmaru - Guy with a sword and apparently one of the six Holy Warriors. That's all I know.
  • Nakoruru - Girl with a bird and one of the six Holy Warriors. That's all I know.
  • Wan-Fu - Big guy with a necklace. That's all I know.
  • Galford - Some geeky blonde guy who is yet another one of these Holy Warrior guys. He has a dog named Puppy. Naming an attack dog Puppy does not strike fear into the hearts of evil doers.
  • Charlotte - Another Holy Warrior with an extremely bad French accent. I think she loves Hoahmaru but I didn't understand much about this film.
  • Tamtam - The last of these Holy Warriors. This guy wears a crazy, South American looking mask and fights people. JUST LIKE EVERY FREAKING CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE!
  • Amakusa Shiro Tokisada - Evil woman who plagues our heroes with an evil plot to take over the world. I think she kept her plans secret from the writers. WHAT'S GOING ON? In the end she repents and helps the good guys, after dying. Oh yeah and she pulls a sword out of her chest.
  • Assorted Freaks - Just to make sure everyone from the game was in the movie they put in (I forget actual character names): Kabuki guy, Deep voiced Ninja who can become a shadow, Eyepatch guy are the good guys and Earthquake (the only name I didn't look up on IMDB, they weren't all there), a cross between a hunchback, Freddie Kruger, and a Gremlin and some bland guy.
  • Big Evil Shadow Thing - I spent a long time trying to get names and I don't know if he has one. He's summoned by Tokisada and then beaten.
  • Children - I don't think they did anything in the film.
  • Villagers and Hoahmuru's mom - Slaughtered by ninja.
  • Ninja - Evil henchmen. Most of them stand around getting slashed in the second half. I guess anyone can be a ninja these days.

The Plot: 

Actually I'm not sure. Though I probably lost some of it during all the heckling me and my friends gave this film, but all the same it didn't make sense. Usually I like anime (even dumb ones), but some are just too bad. From what I can gather the Hoahmuru guy is a warrior who's pissed off cause ninja off his Mom. As he goes after the ninja leader he's confronted by warriors from various ethnic backgrounds who claim he's one of them. Them being the six Holy Warriors who are also trying to kick the ninja leaders ass. So they go off and beat the ninja like ugly step children, but walk into Tokisada's trap and she tries to turn Hoahmuru evil by tempting him to kill her (rip-off, I mean shades of Return of the Jedi), but he and Charlotte escape while the others are held by their arms legs and torsos in green stuff (I think it's slime but it looks rather hard). Hoahmuru is unconscious for a week, but after a mind battle in the astral plane (don't ask) they go to stop Tokisada. Oh, by the way, the other warriors were there for a week and apparently didn't eat or go to the bathroom or anything and look OK. They get free and beat Tokisada then a big evil thing. There are subplots but I'm too tired to make sense of it. I don't even know if this review makes sense (hope it does). This got three slimes cause of the hecklin' factor only.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Ninja bleed milk.
  • If you're in the astral plane and someone blasts you in the face it will be OK... ...your armor, however will fly off.
  • Ninja don't move when a fighter is better than them, except towards the blade.
  • Evil forces can be summoned by a bingo game.
  • There are very few, if any, good movies based on a video game (with the exception of Street Fighter II: the Animated Movie, it had a soundtrack with some cool bands).
  • If you take on a swarm of bees and think you've killed them all before they sting you, look out!
  • It takes mothers a real long time to die from an arrow through the chest.
  • You parents will only tell you they found you in the woods during a crisis.

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Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

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