RETURN OF THE ZOMBIES
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1973
| | Reviewed by Rob
on 'a long time ago' |
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- Sergio Chekov - Arrogant young man who is the heir of his uncle count's castle in Italy.
- The Inspector - Inspects a number of crimes across Chekov's castle, suspecting Chekov most of the time. He's wrong, of course.
- Doris - Whiny young girl who is the daughter of a mad scientist.
- Igor - Creepy gravedigger who enjoys having sex with dead people more than with the living. Gets zombified and later decapitated.
- Ivan - Asshole who has a fetish for his switchblade. Gets zombified and later cremated.
- The Count - Chekov's dead uncle who comes back as a zombie. Kills his daughter, then later gets cremated.
- The Zombies - Reanimated corpses who kill for apparently no reason at all (they don't even eat people).
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| My apologies for not knowing the rest of the characters' names or for being accurate on the time frames at the bottom of this page, but this movie completely sucked ass. No, I didn't spell the title wrong - that's how they spell "zombi" in Italy and other places. Anyway, I had gone to a video store wanting to rent "Zombie," which is also an Italian zombie film and is supposedly meant to be the prequel to George A. Romero's immortal masterpiece "Dawn of the Dead." Instead, this movie was in the case when I got home. God, this movie was incredibly bad. Anyway, this guy (I think he's Russian) inherits his dead Italian uncle's castle. He comes to Italy to find a girl hanging from a tree outside a graveyard and later discovers that the girl is the stepdaughter of the daughter of his deceased uncle (or something like that). The castle comes complete with two beautiful women who like to romp around naked and a mad scientist who works with reanimating dead neurons. One by one, murders begin to take place all over the castle, and the blame is put on Chekov, the new owner. As time goes on, they discover that the murders are being made by (gasp!) zombies which are the result of the mad scientist's experiments. For some odd reason, the zombies decide to stop following their master's orders, however, and begin killing indiscriminately. Well hey, these dead heads would get along just fine with Dahmer, Gasey, and Bundy - and these three can take the damn movie to Hell with them! In the end, good triumphs, and the zombies are burned to ashes along with their creator. I'm still pissed that I had to watch this wretched piece of shit over "Zombie."
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Italian zombies don't eat people.
- Italian zombies know how to drive a carriage.
- Nothing spoils the romantic mood like occult objects in a woman's room.
- Maggots eating away at a corpse's eyes resemble cheddar cheese (I hope that you weren't eating while reading this one).
- Nude undead girls aren't very appealing (except maybe to necrophiliacs).
- Attach electrodes to a dead frog's hind legs and cool things will happen.
- If you want to stay alive in Italy, stay out of the cemeteries.
- Autopsies aren't very bloody at all.
- Laboratory animals such as frogs and mice are kept in confining jars next to eyeballs, brains, etc.
- Native Italians and Russians can all speak flawless English - and with a British accent.
- Cadaver innards look like cheese on pizza.
- Castles conveniently have catacombs beneath them which lead to nearby cemeteries.
- Don't fall in love with a necrophiliac.
- One lantern can set an entire tomb and the expansive catacombs beneath it on fire.
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- 2 mins - I have a bad feeling about this movie already.
- 5 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DEAD GIRL'S TORSO!
- 10 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 20 mins - ANOTHER RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 30 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A MEGALOMANIAC ASSHOLE!
- 40 mins - They are eventually going to show ZOMBIES in "Return of the Zombies," aren't they?
- 70 mins - What the hell just happened? Did he burn those two zombies with the lantern? Where are the bodies?
- 80 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A NECROPHILIAC ZOMBIE!
- 90 mins - Yeah, like we never saw THAT coming.
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