|Copyright 2000 UFO (Unified Film Organization)
| Reviewed by Christian Salabert
on 19 April 2001
- John Cooper - Bike riding hero; steals peoples' girlfriends and kills giant snakes for fun.
- Greg Larson - The town's deputy. Unlucky enough to have John steal his girlfriend and seems to get over this a bit too easily.
- Kristin - Johnny's girlfriend. One of the few people not completely freaked out by the snake.
- Theresa - Tommy's girlfriend and suffering from ophidiophobia; gets attacked by the python in the shower and surprisingly lives. Does the usual "run and scream from the monster" bit, then becomes helpful.
- Dr. Anton Rudolph - Robert Englund! Scientist that might have created the snake; commits suicide trying to destroy it.
- Special Agent Bart Parker - Casper Van Dien! Not as quite as dumb as his character from "Starship Troopers," but ten times as hotheaded. All that, plus a really stupid accent. Gets run through by the snake's tail.
- Brian - Johnny's brother (yeah, right). Owns the family's plating plant.
- Griff - The town's police chief; feels it necessary to bare his teeth a lot.
- Tommy - Theresa's not-too-bright boyfriend; one of those characters that acts like he's high even though he doesn't take drugs. Gets chomped.
- Lou - Annoying, incompetent fool of a deputy.
- Kenny "the Closer" - Snobby real-estate agent. Gets sprayed by the snake's acid.
- Francesca - Jenny McCarthy! Slutty woman with the oddest facial expressions on Earth. She tries to buy a house from Kenny and gets decapitated by the snake's tail.
- The Python - A one hundred and twenty-nine foot monster that was bioengineered from various snakes in Southeast Asia. Eventually gets split open by acid.
|During a rough storm, a plane is shipping a giant snake. They foolishly open the crate to see what's inside and are eaten. The plane crashes and the snake survives, making its first snack a couple of lesbians in the woods. It continues its rampage and innocent bike rider John is being blamed. Mainly because one of the women was an old girlfriend of his (looong story), plus her body was melted down by acid, and of course he works at a plating plant with two huge tanks full of the stuff. Said plant is also in danger of closing down, much to the dismay of his "brother."
Meanwhile, somewhere else, Dr. Rudolph is brought in to Agent Parker to explain what happened to the plane and its crew. After realizing that Parker can only understand very basic English, he reveals the cargo was a giant python with enhanced night vision, great strength, and can travel up to fifty miles per hour. They plan a massive assault on the snake once they find it. So a team is sent out, lead by Agent Parker and Dr. Rudolph. When a solider sees it slither by, they unleash machine guns, bazookas, and anything that's not tanks or jets against the reptile. It turns out that the snake was molting and all they hit was the dead skin. It also turns out that the snake used the skin as a decoy; it attacks the group and kills everyone but Dr. Rudolph.
John and Greg get into a rather silly fight over Kristin. After knocking the stuffing out of each other on a children's playground (don't ask), they make up. John, Kristin, and their friends Tommy and Theresa, go up to a cabin near the lake. The snake, of course, follows. It enters Tommy and Theresa's cabin and attacks Theresa in the shower. Taking the time to put a towel on (damn!), she fights the gazillion-foot snake off with a rubber ducky and some shampoo (she was trying to injure its eyes, unfortunately, it was a no-tears formula). She calls Tommy to help and escapes the snake's clutches, though Tommy is killed in the process.
Theresa jumps into her truck (still in nothing but a towel) and drives off, the python right behind her. It eventually crashes her vehicle, though she is uninjured and runs. Right about here you're thinking "Man, that towel sure stays on good!" It's probably stapled. The python has her trapped between some rocks when John and Kristin arrive. They get the snake's attention, drawing him away from Theresa. He attacks their jeep and so they get on their bikes and outrun a fifty mile per hour snake! They meet up Dr. Rudolph in Agent Parker's base and Theresa also arrives. She replaces the towel with more decent clothing while they come up with a plan to trap the snake in the base and blow it up. Greg shows up and they get the snake inside and Theresa presses the detonator, but nothing happens. The detonator was knocked loose when the snake entered the base, or some nonsense, considering the detonator wasn't anywhere near where the snake was supposed to be. Dr. Rudolph, trying to make amends for creating the thing, goes in. Just as he is about to fix the detonator the snake shows up and prepares to snack. Nevertheless, he fixes the device and the whole base goes up in flames.
Dr. Rudolph's sacrifice is meaningless, as the unscathed snake exits the base and charges our heroes. They lure it to Johnny's plating plant and finally kill it by pressing its midsection into a tub of boiling acid. Six months later, the acid plant is refurbished into a sports bar / bike shop. Greg becomes an officer of the FBI, Kristin gets pregnant with Johnny's child, and Theresa is a waitress at the bear wearing a shirt that reads "I killed a giant python and all I got was this stupid t-shirt."
The ending was kind of a bummer. No, I was glad it was over, but I was kinda hoping there would be one of those things at the end where they'd show a new giant snake emerging from the lake or something like that. Like at the end of Lake Placid or TriStar's Godzilla. A movie with a "They're baaack..." ending.
The best character is the snake and the best human character is Dr. Rudolph, mainly because Englund is the only person in this movie who can act. This is the only movie that has made me say "This is MESSED up!" and mean it. It's funny, but it's obvious that it wasn't supposed to be. Unless you like movies that are so bad they're painful, you're sure to enjoy Python. Otherwise, please avoid it at all costs. You won't be missing anything.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Snakes love gay women. For food, I mean.
- There is always at least one idiot on the police force.
- If people are being killed by acid, you should not work at a plating plant.
- Shooting powerful direct fire weapons, without a target, is okay.
- If it ain't human, then Casper Van Dien don't like it.
- If you're face-to-face with a hundred and twenty-nine foot snake and the only way to live is to stay completely still, pull out a gun and shoot it.
- Pythons, a constricting snake, use their tails to stab their prey.
- Bathroom towels stay on better than regular clothing.
- A snake can ram its head into boulders without any injury.
- Normal bicycles can go faster than fifty miles per hour.
- Lethal acidic burns look just like stab wounds.
- 3 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT! (Man, they didn't waste any time gettin' to this, did they?)
- 7 mins - I have a headache and we're not even past the opening credits!
- 9 mins - Okay, he's a good biker. Can we move along now?!
- 13 mins - It means you suck.
- 25 mins - She was so much better in "BASEketball."
- 28 mins - It wasn't that complicated.
- 34 mins - Oh my God, they killed Kenny the Closer! You bastards! Sorry, I couldn't resist...
- 61 mins - THAT skin came from THAT snake?
- 61 mins - God, don't overreact.
- 63 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST CASPER VAN DIEN! Well, I guess that's not a bad thing...
- 71 mins - What kind of towel stays on like that?!
- 84 mins - Now why did you take that off if you were just gonna put it back on?
- 94 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A HUNDRED AND TWENTY-NINE FOOT LONG PYTHON!
- Lisa: "Please excuse my improper alliteration in a moment of ecstasy."
Roberta: "Look, I know you see guys sometimes. I just hope I'm the only girl you see."
- Kristin: "How do you know Lisa?"
John: "EVERYONE knows Lisa."
- Kenny: "Would you like to see what I've got in the back?"
Francesca: "I'd rather see what you've got in the front!"
- Tommy: "Dude, ya got me outta bed for a snake?"
- John: "Whaddya say? How about it?"
Teresa: "I say we kill the motherf***er!"
- Teresa: "This is for you, Tommy." (She presses the detonator and nothing happens.)
- John: "Let's just say there's this little..." Greg, Teresa, and Kristin: "LITTLE?!?!"
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Coroner: "All I know is that burns like that don't happen just going for a midnight swim."
||Agent Parker: "But nowhere in the manifest is there so much as a mention of exactly what it was you were transporting. So I'm asking you, doctor, in simple laymen's terms... ...what... ...was... ...it?"
||Dr. Rudolf explaining the python's acid reflux attack.
||Dr. Rudolf: "We are talking about a perfect killing machine. A one hundred and twenty-nine foot all terrain vehicle. Capable of speeds exceeding fifty miles an hour, with skin that can deflect an antitank round, enhanced night vision, and voracious appetite for human flesh. It will slaughter your men before they have a chance to blink."
||Kristin: "But if it has all these features from all these different kinds of snakes like you say it does - it couldn't have evolved naturally." |
John: "Yeah, but maybe it didn't. Maybe it was created in some kind of secret government operation. What? I've seen it a hundred times in the movies, they're always doing stuff like that."
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Theresa was showering (in the basement) when the python trapped her and only by using a towel and rubber ducky did she manage to hold it off. Tommy then wisely decides to distract the snake by making it eat him.
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