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Rated PG
Copyright 1986 Troma Team
Reviewed by David Emery on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Richard Clark - Mild mannered reporter that bears a striking resemblance to Clark Kent. He's always eating chocolate bars on his quest to uncover the big story.
  • Cliff Johnson - Richard's rival, he always calls him "Dickie Boy." He dresses like a gameshow host, and Richard kicks his ass.
  • Diane Bennett - A biology professor at the local Chestnut Hills college, she has a theory that a snake-like creature is killing the murder victims. She also goes from nerd to her change bodies throughout the movie.
  • The Professor - Diane's genius son, I guess. Everyone calls him professor. He's conveniently always recording sounds on his tape recorder. He builds a laser beam because he's that smart.
  • Dr. Philip Pennyworth - An Einstein look-a-like that figures out how to communicate with the monster with the Professor's xylophone. He gets killed by the monster.
  • Father Martin - A priest that gets really offended at the idea of killing the monster because it's one of "God's creatures". He's always brandishing a cross at EVERYTHING.
  • The General - A Lloyd Bridges look-a-like that is really hardcore into blasting the monster apart.
  • Sam Katchem - Local police sheriff that spits every 5 seconds. Gets killed by the monster.
  • Ben "The Chief" - Richard and Cliff's boss who promotes Richard for his dumb luck.
  • Marylou, Joe and Roy - Victims of the closet monster.
  • The Closet Monster - Just what it sounds like...stop laughing.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

There are several mysterious deaths in a small town, and the local police department is on the case. All victims are found dead in their closets with two small holes in their chests.

Richard (or Dick) is talking to his boss when Cliff interupts and tells him about the laughable case (that he dug out of a garbage can when Richard wasn't looking). Richard takes the case and runs into Diane and the Professor at the police station. Diane is bringing up her snake theory to the sheriff and laces into Richard for feeding her kid chocolate.

Meanwhile next door another murder occurs and Richard finds a claw at the scene of the crime. He takes it to the college where Diane works and Dr. Pennyworth analyzes it. Richard gets invited to dinner and he hears people screaming close by. The closet monster is on the loose as he kills Katchem with an Alien-esque head that shoots out of its mouth and escapes into the night. Dr. Pennyworth overhears the sound the head makes before it kills a victim and puts it to music, playing it on a xylophone.

The group tracks the monster to a school, where it almost kills the Professor. Pennyworth is killed trying to "communicate with it," and a city evacuation goes into effect. Dick and Diane rig up a broadcast system and they play the xylophone to lure out the monster. Pennyworth's dying words told them to destroy "all of something" (he dies before he finishes), and they take this to mean destroy its energy. This of course doesn't work...the closets must be destroyed. Duh. The closet monster falls in love with Dick when his glasses fall off (he's a handsome dude) and carries him around San Francisco until its energy wears out and it dies.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Don't ever steal a blind man's seeing-eye dog, it will really piss him off.
  • Obituaries are the backbone of newspaper circulation.
  • Everyone working in a newspaper office has a nickname.
  • PG rated movie cameramen should watch those dipping camera shots in shower scenes.
  • Killing a cockroach violates the 6th commandment.
  • Nerdy women change their appearance when the right man comes along.
  • If you want to lure a closet monster into the open, play it's death shriek on a xylophone.
  • The United States Army can't aim worth a damn.
  • A town can be evacuated due to closet monsters with no resistance whatsoever.
  • The end of the world is no big deal.
  • Working together, a biology professor and a reporter can construct a broadcast system and electricity field.
  • Nerdy guys turn into Brad Pitt when they take off their glasses.
  • You can't kill a monster with a toy bugle and a laser beam.
  • A college biology teacher can talk the world into destroying their closets.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 12 mins - No one notices Cliff digging that old article out of the trash bin? He's in plain sight!
  • 15 mins - Watch the microphone dip into the shot.
  • 16 mins - Okay, he looks like Clark Kent, and his name is Dick Clark? Please tell me this isn't a coincidence.
  • 25 mins - Stop talking, Doctor. Now.
  • 26 mins - What the hell is wrong with Diane? She spaced right out!
  • 29 mins - So that's what a closet monster looks like...
  • 39 mins - There she goes again! Dick, put your glasses on!
  • 44 mins - Everyone makes a big, dramatic motion. For a second it looks like Dick is about to rip his shirt off to reveal a big red "S" underneath.
  • 50 mins - Minutes have passed in the school, yet they've been on the road long enough for the sun to set.
  • 53 mins - Don't try to communicate with at will, boys!
  • 62 mins - Kick his ass, Dick! Oh no! Dick, the glasses, the glasses!
  • 75 mins - The closet monster is a woman! Either that or he's gay...
  • 79 mins - You probably could have taken your clothing out before wrecking your closet...

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note monstercloset1.wav Woman: "It killed my husband! It's in the closet!"
Green Music Note monstercloset2.wav Dr. Pennyworth playing the xylophone.
Green Music Note monstercloset3.wav General: "Frogs? What do I give a ding-dong about Frogs? For Christ's sake get back in the ballgame Pennyfinger."
Green Music Note monstercloset4.wav The Closet Monster's congested snarling.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipmonstercloset1.mpg - 2.3m
Dr. Pennyworth communicates the fact that he tastes like chicken.

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