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MITCHELL - 1 Slime
Rated R
Copyright 1975 Allied Artists and Essex Enterprises
Reviewed by Stefan Robak on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Mitchell - Joe Don Baker (the dad from Mars Attacks)! A smelly unlikable cop who makes Chief Wiggum look like a useful member of society.
  • Walter Deaney - John Saxon (the dad from Nightmare on Elm Street)! One of the villains bent on plaguing our hero. Gets toasted in a dune buggy.
  • James Cummings - Martin Balsam (the Grandpa from the TV movie Kids Like These). OK I'm pushing the Dad thing a little far) an evil guy bent on being evil and getting away with it.
  • Greta - Linda Evans (Yanni's wife)! Hooker with a heart of gold.
  • Merlin Olsen - Who would name their child Merlin? I think Gandolf, Bilbo or even Lancelot are so much nicer. Anyhoo he's Cummings' personal thug/butler (a lousy one). His character's name is Benton.
  • Mitchell fodder: Various thugs given the Mitchell treatment. (Not 200 pints of Jack Daniels, silly. DEATH!)

Buy It!

The Plot: 

You know, I think I know how this horrible TV pilot came about. My theory is that some executive demanded that his network needed a show about a bad cop on the loose (an early version of Det. Sipowicz). One of his foolish underlings misunderstood and thought he meant an incompetent cop like Barney Fife. To find this level of incompetence, the foolish underling figured he'd get the actors to act like cops and the one who did the one the worst would be the hero of this program. The underling came across Joe Don Baker (who actually came for the free food) whose unwashed, boozing, unlikable personality won him over. They shot the movie immediately and "Mitchell" was born.

A wonderful story, wasn't it. Not like the story in this flick. Mitchell goes to solve a murder at a rich white Walter Deaney's house and then generally makes a nuisance of himself. Deaney's making drug deals with James Arthur Cummings (I think. I've never been good with plots when I'm tired) and generally the rest of the movie is Mitchell sitting outside Cummings' house. Sometimes inside too for a change of pace. It all ends with a water boat battle and him dragging Linda Evans off to jail just to prove he's unlikable. But generally nothing happens in this movie worth noting except a dune buggy chase (not seen on MST3K!) and a horrible sex scene. It was close to being worthy of a skull but I know that being bored isn't enough for a skull. Although the sex scene made me want to wretch.

A side note: the box that Mitchell came in features a drawing of Mitchell hanging on to a helicopter while holding Linda Evans with one hand. This never happens. Also on the box it has the tag line: "Action and excitment has a new name: Mitchell." Ummm... no it doesn't

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Cops lives aren't as exciting as most action movies would suggest.
  • Chalk and smack are not the same thing.
  • Women love a man in uniform... ...for the right price.
  • Hell hath no fury like a Mitchell scorned.
  • No one steps on Cummings, cause he steps on people and he's got a big shoe.
  • There is a definite communication problem between young people and old people.
  • Some TV pilots are better left without shows.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 11 mins - Thanks for the overdone analogy, pal.
  • 22 mins - Oh, dear God! Oh, wait it's just his gun.
  • 26 mins - What a great accent
  • 29 mins - Could this chase get any more exciting?
  • 42 mins - OH MY GOD!!! MITCHELL HAVING SEX!! At least we don't see little Mitchell.
  • 58 mins - Mitchell being chased by dune buggies? This movie just keeps getting better.
  • 64 mins - This is the stupidest argument ever!
  • End Credits - Theme sung by Hoyt Axton. If he weren't already dead I'd kill him.

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