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Not Rated (Should be G)
Copyright (If there is one.) 1997 Warner Bros.
Reviewed by Stefan Robak. on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Ice/Tori Olafsdotter - Woman who gets Ice powers by spilling dried ice and water, um, I mean chemicals all over her. In the comics Ice is dead. (Which is strange 'cause the unwritten rule is only Bucky stays dead.) Too bad this ain't comics.
  • Flash/Barry Allen - A super speedster superhero loser who always almost gives away his identity but luckily for him everyone in the movie is stupid. In the comics he was intelligent and bravely sacrificed his life to save the multiverse. (Also still dead. It would have ruined the story otherwise.) Here he is the poor man's Woody Harrelson.
  • Green Lantern/Guy Gardner - In the comics he was one of the stupidest character's and was once thankfully knocked out by Batman in one punch. (Guy started it.) Here he's the coolest member, but I use the term loosely here. His ring can make any object he imagines except it's green. (And he keeps using lame stuff here too.)
  • Fire/B.B. DeCosta - Has pyrotechnic powers and is a struggling actress. I think I know why. I think she's dead in comics too.
  • The Atom/Ray Palmer - In the comics he is described as "the world's coolest professor." Here he's the Urkel of heroes.
  • Martian Manhunter/J'onn J'onzz - Founder of the League. I wish they'd stop turning these cool characters crappy!
  • Weather Man/Prof. Eno - Lame knock off of the Weather Wizard. (Who wasn't that great anyway.) His costume looks like a chrome surgeon and talks like a panicky Darth Vader. I keep expecting him to say: "Luke... I am your Doctor." (GROAN.) Defeated by Juicy Fruit. Makes sense.
  • Martin: Creepy stalker guy.

The Plot: 

JLA writer Mark Waid (Not half as weird as JLA writer Grant Morrison.) once called this unreleased TV pilot "80 minutes of his life he'll never get back." Well said. The story: some geek called the Weather Man (Weather Wizard was a bad name, but at least a Wizard is more threatening than a guy in front of a weather map.) is threatening New Metro (The poor man's Metropolis.) with cloudy weather, but his weather is defeated by the Justice League (Who wear costumes that Joel Schumacher would laugh at.) who don't really need civilian identities 'cause they don't have non-hero friends. Soon they discover a young woman who freezes everything she touches and can't control her power. (How come her clothes and purse don't freeze?) The JLA is planning to let her join after they decide she isn't the Weather Man (I thought her being a woman would give that away.) and introduce her to the Martian Manhuter (Who claims Mars is much hotter than Earth. Either that or he's not from Mars. But then why the name? AAARRRGGGHHH.) and there's a subplot about a stalker. They beat the bad guy, but he's already escaping (Shouldn't the cops look him over for weapons?) and Ice freezes a tidal wave. There are interviews with the characters between scenes to remind us they are people too. (Or to remind you this sucks. One of the 2.) Thank God it never made it to TV.

Many thanks to Anne's Internet Shrine of Matthew Settle for the pictures.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Heroes steal invitations, sneak into buildings and kidnap people.
  • Heroes watch "Touched By An Angel."
  • Every mechanical problem can be solved by gum.
  • Heroes aren't afraid of using their powers in public.
  • Mars is very hot.
  • Earrings are the only sure way to figure out secret identities. Forget build, face, voice, haircut etc.
  • When a wall falls pyrotechnics go off.
  • Walls are put up before construction frames.
  • The ill tempered and ominous guy is never the villain.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 3 mins - Does the Flash have a pager in his ear? There's a beeping sound and he touches his ear.
  • 4 mins - That's the Weather Man? Looks like a surgeon performing in Vegas!
  • 6 mins - Those are some intimidating violinists.
  • 7 mins - Really bad joke: girl in a banana costume says she's "Gotta split"
  • 8 mins - Despite being caught in a hurricane that kid seems happy.
  • 9 mins - A wall falls and completely unexplained pyrotechnics go off.
  • 10 mins - During the Hurricane the Atom uses his power to get a cat from under a house. Aren't there people to save? Isn't a cat safer under a house than outside during a hurricane?
  • 16 mins - After Flash cleans his house and makes him diner Guy says he doesn't know what to think. How about "Thank you" you jerk.
  • 17 mins - Angry red herring suspect. Just like on Scooby Doo.
  • 22 mins - Gum fixes TV. (Plot point.)
  • 26 mins - Flash delivers mail. Reminds me of that mailman joke from Double Dragon.
  • 29 mins - This guy's creepy! He's stalking you!
  • 32 mins - Very fake Hail
  • 36 mins - GL just stole something! Flash, out of costume, uses his speed power and no one notices!
  • 43 mins - Was that limbo under the infrared light necessary?
  • 55 mins - The guy's a stalker! Get a clue!
  • 59 mins - Underwater Spaceship base! It's like watching Seaquest only it's more annoying than that dolphin's voice.
  • 61 mins - Wait, he scoured the universe for heroes and didn't stop at Earth first? It's the nearest freaking planet to mars.
  • 69 mins - HE'S A STALKER!
  • 70 mins - So she figured out Fire's ID from the earrings? Is everyone stupid?
  • 76 mins - Gum used to fix control panel. (Told ya.)
  • 77 mins - 300 degrees is a beach day on Mars? Does Mars ever get that hot? There are beaches on Mars? I doubt it!
  • 83 mins - Cops didn't search him for weapons? They don't see him cutting through the cuffs?
  • End credits - Thank God

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 



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